I can't accept the truth, no-one would understand anyway

[meridannight]

Last year someone made a bad joke about one of my friends and me dating, an innocent joke, but, being the catholic school it is, some wrong clique took it for serious and teased us in the locker room showers. Most embarrassingly, my willie tried to get my attention ever so often due to my abstinence and the guys thought I was getting semi-hard because of what they said.
They beat me up real bad, I couldn't do much because I'm tiny and scrawny, and my friend ran to get a teacher but I had a wound that needed stitches.

The school called in my parents to talk about the situation and my dad got so angry at me he hit me at home, harder than usually when he is upset. My mom supported him because they said I must have provoked the rumor - I'm emotional at times and I cried a lot that day, so they thought that tustve been it - and I must make sure this doesn't happen again. I mustn't dishonor the family, boys don't cry, or I'll be sorry.

from everything you said in your post it is clear you are homosexual, and not just curious. or even bisexual. and what you family did to you was very very wrong. even by religious standards. what they are doing to you is child abuse.

i wouldn't worry about college (unless it's some type of catholic institution). things are a lot different in college, there are other gay guys around, and old high school prejudices vanish in that environment. the high school clique thing doesn't exist there. it will be a liberating environment from what you've experienced till now.

however, if it's a catholic institution, you shouldn't go there. that has the potential to mess you up even further.

you are not wrong, and you have done nothing wrong. it is not wrong for a man to be sexually attracted to another man. it is not wrong for a man to cry or show emotion. everybody who says so is the one who is wrong, and has an inadequate and misguided understanding of human nature. in other words, they don't know what they're talking about. if your parents don't know how to fly a plane, would you consider letting them get in the cockpit of an airliner and ''flying it'' and then being on that plane yourself? i don't think so. and this is exactly the same with their opinion on homosexuality. they don't know a damn thing about it, and you should get off the plane on that one too. they will crash it.

your family is not trying to get you to do the right thing. they are trying to force you to adopt some artificial principles and their way of thinking, disregarding that you are a person in your own right, and that you have a say about what you can or can't do. they are in essence, bullying you. i'd try to get as far away from them as possible. if there's any real chance of that happening or making it happen, you should seriously consider it. everyone, including you, has the right to develop their own worldview and beliefs freely. and they are denying you that freedom. that's a crime of sorts.

I'm not sure what the school told them, but they signed me up for religious correction camps where priests talk to a group of boys about how wrong masturbation and sex are.

that thing is brainwashing. and abuse, in fact. do you have an opportunity to talk to a counselor outside your school? i would recommend that.

if you need to spelled it out though -- there is nothing wrong about masturbation or sex. it's a natural part of being human, it's a way to connect with another human being, and it's a beautiful thing. adult mature men have sex, it's part of being a man. don't let anyone tell you different.

not only that, abstaining from masturbation and sex can cause medical and psychological problems. it's not just not wrong, it's also healthy.

[MikeW]

Yeah, what [MENTION=21405]meridannight[/MENTION] said, you are a victim of abuse by ignorant people. That two of them happen to be your parents only makes it worse. Also what he's saying about adult sexuality. It's true HUMANS LIKE SEX! And it really isn't any one else's business HOW or with whom we enjoy it. But all this may take a bit of time to settle down and become clear. Us telling you may be a bit of help but what you really need is to tell yourself and believe the truth of it. That will come in due course.

[Albie]

I was in a bit of a similar situation when I was young. The whole thought I would grow out of it and surrounded by religion and fanatics. What I did was get out. I moved to a dive when I turned 18. I wasn't in college, but was working as a dishwasher to support my rent. What I am saying is that you need to get away from people who make you feel guilty for how you feel. Trust me. The guilt feelings will stay for a long time (they did for me), but eventually you will start to feel more liberated.

If you can stay at a dorm in college, that would be best. It would keep you away from your family and others as well as give you someplace to sleep at night.

[Cinestry]

I agree with people suggesting moving away from your family and I think college is a great opportunity to do so.
I grew up in a very religious area as well, although your situation sounds a lot more extreme. All those narrow minded people and their judging made me nervous too, so I moved away when going to university. Doesn't mean that I don't have any contact with my family anymore, I actually have better contact now than when I still lived at home.
All I can say is just try to hang in there, school is almost over and there is a time with loads of opportunities for change coming.

[Lexington]

Welcome to GS! A few things to keep in mind.

You are not a failed heterosexual. You're a homosexual. Your parents might try to make you feel like a failure, but you're not. You simply are what you are. A professional athlete isn't a failed scholar, a doctor isn't a failed lawyer, and a gay man isn't a failed straight man.

Your problem isn't your sexuality. I often use this analogy. Let's say you're living in a house built for really short people - like three feet high. So you're forever bumping your head on doorways, and you have a devil of a time in the shower, and you have to curl up into a tiny ball to get into bed. This might start leading you to think "If only I weren't so tall, everything would be OK." But the problem isn't your height. Your problem is - you're in the wrong house.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but you didn't get a good draw when it comes to parents. Especially if your father "hit you harder than normal" after this gay-shaming incident. And this might start leading you to believe the problem is you being gay. It isn't. The problem is you being gay AND your parents (and environment) being homophobic. And the solution is the same as the house analogy - you need to get out of there as soon as possible.

Start planning your escape. The good news is - you're headed for college soon. And nearly every college is more accepting of alternate sexualities than the one you currently reside in. So you'll at least have several months out of the year where you won't be getting grief for it. But you presumably will be returning home for holidays and/or the summer, and you certainly won't want to prolong that time if at all possible.

So, start planning now. You want to be able to head out after graduation, and not look back. You can still maintain a relationship with your parents, but a distant one - at least until they warm up to the idea of you being gay. So keep that in mind - what studies do you want to take? What kind of job can you get fresh out of college? Where can you move? How much money can you save to make it so you can get a place fresh out of college? Any way you can avoid going home for the summers and/or holidays?

I'd second the suggestion to join Empty Closets. This site is great, but it doesn't have a ton of traffic, and we do tend to skew older. EC is more teen/young-adult oriented, and has a lot of people available to be your support network any time you need it.

Eyes on the prize. Go kick ass.

Lex

[Rareboy]

Lex and the others have nailed it.

[TwisttheLeaf]

You've been given some really good advice here. What especially stands out and I think you should pay very special attention to is what [MENTION=21778]Lexington[/MENTION] has shared with you.

Aside from that, I have a further suggestion. You state you are "tiny and scrawny". Some of the best martial arts experts in the world are (or at one time were) "tiny and scrawny".

I'm not saying you need to take a martial arts class, BUT.... I am saying contact a few of them and get into a self defense class. Many martial arts studios offer self defense classes on the side and you'll fit right in, as everyone is a beginner and unknowledgeable from the start.

If nothing else, it's time to learn to to 1) fight back when appropriate and/or 2) how to break free and get away or minimize the damage others do when they catch you.

[Pyromancer]

I was in a bit of a similar situation when I was young. The whole thought I would grow out of it and surrounded by religion and fanatics. What I did was get out. I moved to a dive when I turned 18. I wasn't in college, but was working as a dishwasher to support my rent. What I am saying is that you need to get away from people who make you feel guilty for how you feel. Trust me. The guilt feelings will stay for a long time (they did for me), but eventually you will start to feel more liberated.

If you can stay at a dorm in college, that would be best. It would keep you away from your family and others as well as give you someplace to sleep at night.

You lay this out so matter-of-factly, but I'm reading it as pretty damn awesome. At 18, you knew yourself and were determined to BE your authentic self. Some people go their whole lives without achieving that sort of clarity and focus.

[Albie]

Thanks, Alex.

It wasn't too awesome, I didn't really know who I was then but I knew I was in a place I didn't want to be and wanted to find out who I really am. I knew I couldn't get that knowledge by being where I was.

[rubeus]

Mate,

High school will soon be a distant memory and I am sure you will take pride in the person you will become years from now. Acceptance about your sexuality has to come from the inside at I am sure I am speaking for most people here, it is a long journey!

Letting go of destructive relationships, even your family is paramount to being happy. If they cannot accept/understand a fundamental part about you, they need their own time to process. It is hard and torturous to turn back on ones family, but their beliefs are in the way of you truly coming to terms with your sexuality.

Best of luck, I truly feel for you.

R.