Advice on giving advice...

[mvoco]

I'm a little stuck on how to support a friend of mine who has had a really tough 2 years. Her marriage broke down, her husband became abusive and the divorce has been difficult to say the least. But only a couple of months after leaving her husband she started seeing another guy, moved in with him and recently announced their engaged! She also just had a miscarriage.

I've tried being supportive as best I can through all this, but I think she made a mistake getting involved with someone again so quickly. And now their talking marriage and almost had a child together! She pretty much told me once that she was only with this guy because he was "nice" and he made her feel safe. I don't feel like that's enough and I'm afraid she's setting herself up for more heartache - am I wrong?

Should I tell her what I think? Or just pretend to be happy for her? I didn't voice concerns when she first started seeing her ex and regretted it massively. But she had made it clear to others that she doesn't want to hear anything negative about her current relationship. She says she knows what she's doing - or did pre-miscarriage, at the moment she seems all over the place. I don't know how best to help her.

[Lycanthropist]

You could talk to her until you're blue in the face, but that won't change the fact that she will do what she wants. I suppose the best you can do is catch her when she falls again. Good luck.

[MikeW]

Is she *asking* for advice? Doesn't sound like it from what you've said. Generally speaking, advice not asked for is not given much attention; indeed is often experienced as meddlesome.

One thing none of us can do: Save someone from themselves.

[Albie]

I agree with Mike. If she isn't asking for advice, then you should not give it. If you do try to give her advice, it will only look like you are judging her and she may resent you for it.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I would pull her aside and tell her that this is the first, last and only time I'm going to say this:

"Its too soon, you are in a rebound relationship, you barely know this guy. By all means date and try to build a relationship with him, but no babies until you marry, and no marriage for at least a couple years. I just don't want to see a 'nice guy' to turn out to be like your bastard of an ex."

Then you need to drop it, let her make up her own mind and do whatever she does. Just be there when the fall comes and try to be a supportive friend.

Let go and let God/Fate/Destiny - whatever - play out.

[mvoco]

Is she *asking* for advice? Doesn't sound like it from what you've said. Generally speaking, advice not asked for is not given much attention; indeed is often experienced as meddlesome.

One thing none of us can do: Save someone from themselves.

She did ask what I and other friends thought of the new guy after she had a row with her mother about how quickly this new relationship was going. But despite asking what we thought, once someone suggested that they agreed with her mother that things were going too quickly and maybe she should slow things down she went off on one!

It's like she wants our opinion but only if it's in agreement with what she's already doing. She lost a lot of friends during her marriage as her husband was quite possessive and didn't like her seeing friends much. I don't want to see her losing more because of this relationship, I think it will just leave her even more vulnerable than she already is.

[Albie]

Doesn't sound like she is looking for advice and is rather looking for confirmation that what she is doing is right. If everyone tells her the truth, she may be mad at everyone but may come back around in time. But that is only a chance.