Can someone give me advice

[random]

Thanks for all the help everyone. Guess I have a lot of stuff I need to figure out.

[MikeW]

Thanks for all the help everyone. Guess I have a lot of stuff I need to figure out.

'Hell boy', I was just thinking… (spoken in my native Kentucky-ana drawl)… 'when I was ur age and goin' ta school at the Institute of Design of the Illinois Institute of Technology, South-side Chicago, not ONLY did I have a mad-love crush on a crazy hot gay friendly rugby player named Tom, I was hooking up regularly with a bi-sexual fellow student who I eventually ended up living with in a ménage à trios with the woman he eventually married and fathered two children, one of whom is now older than you and gay, while cavorting regularly on weekends with several older out gay friends who lived on the North-side -- and all this was going on almost half a century ago back in the late 1960s and early 1970s. So, what the hell is holding you back and has you hiding in the closet in this day and age???'

Leaving the accent behind… the point is that whatever it is that has you all fearful and such and desperate for attention from men who aren't available to you, it's more a figment of your imagination than anything to do with today's social reality in Chicago (of all places). Yeah, of course accepting one's homosexuality and living it isn't quite as easy as being "straight" -- but for many it is a hell of a lot more fun! But, fun or not, it isn't necessary to torment one's self repeatedly with unavailable men. So, yeah, you have a lot of stuff to figure out… but don't think you have to figure it all out alone! There are *resources* -- and this forum is one of them. So, talk to us… ask questions… tell us about yourself and your circumstances… what's been holding you back all these years? Don't be shy, we don't bite… except for [MENTION=21084]Virge[/MENTION]… but even so his bite was never lethal and in any case he's leaving us as he's getting hitched and hasn't time to hang with us anymore.

[princealbertofb]

Hello, Random, and to GaySpeak. My first thought here, and of course it's easier said than done, was that you needed to get out of that closet, tell the world you're gay and start attracting the right kind of guy-s. But of course, it's all very easy for me to say.

Unfortunately, there will be men out there who will be only too glad to use you if you have the sort of vulnerability you display by not wanting to be out, and it just suits their purpose of having a quick fling on the side while not having to deal with the day to day issues of a romance or a relationship.

If you are looking for a relationship, then you must stop pursuing the wrong kind of men. It's a simple fact, but one that too many people in your circumstances are ignoring. The other thing is, people change. Young men are quite happy, it would seem, to try anything sexual out once, at least until it's either out of their system, or it's quenched their curiosity. Once they've decided it's not their thing, they go off to the ladies, and I'd say it's probably the way most cookies crumble.
I'd say this goes with the old saying that before find your Prince Charming, it's likely you'll have to kiss a few (or a lot) of toads first.

Take it in your stride, but honesly, if you could admit to yourself that you're gay and looking for a relationship, it would make things so much easier for those who would wish for something similar and who don't want to have to cope with closet cases. There's nothing more likely to break up a relationship than two people not being on the same page. It's a strain on most relationships when one of you can't be seen as being IN the relationship. I think it sounds to me as if you're about ripe to come out and tell the world what really rocks your boat. Why not make that (daring and useful) move?

[princealbertofb]

@MikeW, loved your post, darling. (Did I give that "daaaarling" enough twang? )

[EvenOlderButWiser]

to the forum random.

Lots of good advice on the thread already, so Im not going to bore you with repeating it over again.

Your 22 years young and really just starting out on your journey called life. You have to find you niche and go with it. The good news is that the world today is much more gay friendly that it ever was for the majority of us oldies in the forum

Coming out of the closet is something that most of us go through at some point. Some (much) younger that others (I was 40 when I came out, but everyone is different for different reasons)

Looking for a work based romantic encounter, while seeming easy is actually not thefts place to form a same sex relationship. Things can get very complicated should you split for whatever reason, especially if your still in the closet.

Look online for some LGBT support groups and go along and just widen your circle of friends.

You'll be fine.

[princealbertofb]

As for normal, sorry to tell you this but you are acutely, profoundly and perhaps irretrievably normal.

Here is the deal.

Once you come out of the closet and start hanging around other gay men that love you seek will eventually happen.

Keep barking up the straight trees and you will get nothing but dead leaves after the fall.


"I didn't really pay much attention to him because he was usually an asshole"

Another danger point here is that you are attracted to assholes. You best better figure out what it is about assholes you find so attractive and work on not pursuing such interests. I assure you this opens the doors for your being attracted to users and abusers and that never ends well.

Not to go all the way to "gays are all interested in anal sex" , but pursuing assholes can be a gay pursuit...

[princealbertofb]

Thanks, OBW, for your insightful post. Most of the guys here seem to think it's pointless to seek a love relationship in the workplace, but that's what a lot of people do, or have been doing, so it wouldn't be unfair to say that it's a normal place to go looking. However, your chances as a gay man are only of about 1/20th (is that right?) ie only one man in 20 is likely to be interested, and some professions seem to pack that one twentieth a lot more than others.

It is not unreasonable to go looking for a gay romance or relationship in the workplace, but it may be a little fraught if your profession does not attract such types very much. Also it could be awkward, indeed, if something goes wrong, but that's nothing weirder than a straight relationship in the workplace going sour. One of you just needs to pick up his bags and find employment elsewhere. Just one of those life hurdles, you know?

However, if you realise that there are small pickings in the work world for a gay-interest relationship, the right thing to do would be to go looking in a better pool. Let's go with a few clichés... but I always say that you need to join a group that does something that you enjoy outside of work. Maybe it's going to the cinema, maybe it's dancing or singing or acting, maybe it's riding mountain bikes, or gardening, or cooking, or rare bird watching... then you are likely to find a relationship in an outside activity that you will be able to share. First of all, not only will you make friends, but once those friends know you're actually looking for a partner (in cream), they are bound to know the "right" person who is also looking for a relationship (a serious one) or hook ups (not so serious, but hey!!!). So either you pick that man yourself from the available ones or someone will find him for you.
Open your horizons outside the work pool and see if you don't land us one big fish soon. Good luck. :biggrin: