My dilemma (intergenerational attraction)

[Barefoot]

I've been wanting to ask someone about this and I hope people take time to understand it, as it seems complicated to me and I'm not always as articulate as I'd like to be. I've been inactive socially, romantically and sexually for a very long time. To get to the point: I'm an older man who finds himself innately attracted only to younger guys. By attracted I mean physically, emotionally and "spiritually" (best way I can think of to say it). I'm not shallow, far from it, but I think a person needs some physical attraction to someone or it's gonna be a boring, uninteresting and sexless relationship. I find that I am not physically attracted to any guy my age or even near it. I also don't relate well to those my age nor do they to me. I've been this way for as long as I can remember; long enough to know it's never going to change is what I mean. I like guys from 18 to about 28 and I'm 60 today. As I said in my introduction post, I'm a very young mind in an old body. I also only like twinks but that's common among some of us. To make matters worse, I'm not great looking and I'm overweight. Younger guys usually don't want someone my age, and not being great looking and overweight, I feel I don't have much of a chance finding someone out of those I'm attracted to. That has much to do with why I haven't been trying for some time. Recently I decided to try again. I really really want a young boyfriend, but I just don't feel I can fall in love with someone near my own age, in fact I know I can't, as this has been the same for many years and I finally gave up. It's just how I am, same as being gay is just how I am. So I go on hoping, and this time I don't want to quit trying, I want to find my lover and be with him until the end. So I guess I'm dealing with some frustration, and I'd like to know what you think and maybe if you think there's hope. Or not. I know I have a habit of being pessimistic. Am I being too pessimistic about this, or am I doomed to being alone? I want to love and be loved and I am a loving guy with a lot to give, but it has to be to someone I can love. I hope I've explained myself clearly as I'm tired and not thinking at my best tonight.

[meridannight]

but I think a person needs some physical attraction to someone or it's gonna be a boring, uninteresting and sexless relationship.

absolutely. i don't think a relationship can work if there is no sexual compatibility.

just, to me, sexual compatibility has never been associated with age. it's more about what we like to do to each other.

I like guys from 18 to about 28 and I'm 60 today.

I want to find my lover and be with him until the end.

So I guess I'm dealing with some frustration, and I'd like to know what you think and maybe if you think there's hope. Or not. I know I have a habit of being pessimistic. Am I being too pessimistic about this, or am I doomed to being alone? I want to love and be loved and I am a loving guy with a lot to give, but it has to be to someone I can love. I hope I've explained myself clearly as I'm tired and not thinking at my best tonight.

i don't think there's anything intrinsically wrong with age gap relationships, but i do think it's wrong if you suddenly lose attraction when a guy turns a certain age. at least if that is what happens with your attractions, then i don't understand how it could possibly work with one guy in long term. ??

sure there's hope. there are plenty guys in age gap relationships. i know one such gay couple currently, they have some 30-year age difference. i myself am involved with a guy much older than me.

the problem is, guys in the age bracket 18-28 are rarely looking for/capable of a committed relationship. it's more about sex and getting their rocks off that time. it isn't till late 20s--early 30s till guys start to mature about that, most of the time. you could pick an odd one out of the crowd, but your chances are that much slimmer.

[Iceblink]

I think some of the replies here will be about where or how to find the men you are looking for, but I have a feeling you will have probably already been doing or tried most of what will be suggested. All I can say, is keep trying. Maybe it will happen. However, what you're calling pessimism, let's think of realism, because it is a very difficult situation. Before anything else, you are dealing with an age where many are not looking for a relationship at this stage in their life and so you already have a great number excluded. And then, like it or not, most are attracted to those around their own age. So look what happens- We're gay so we're already a pretty small group, then you focus on one small segment of this small group, it then becomes an even much smaller group by the requirement that those from that group must be attracted to a much older man, and then from that group they have to be in a stage where they are ready for a relationship. I know there are some that are attracted to very specific things, but unfortunately for those people it is very difficult when you have further fractioned off an already very small segment of the population.

I wish I could you offer you the great hope you are seeking, but if I am to have a realistic view, saying that would just be nice words not something genuine. Here is what I can offer. Keep looking because you never know, but also remember that having that someone special in your life can bring you happiness, but it is not something that is required or the only thing that can bring you happiness. Embrace your friends and family to help alleviate some of the loneliness.

[Albie]

Hoping and wishing for things won't really get you anywhere. Just like you are attracted to young guys, some young guys are attracted to older people. I don't want to sound rude, but you mention that you are overweight and not good looking. Have you tried to get in better shape to attract others that are preferable to you?

[TwisttheLeaf]

Younger guys usually don't want someone my age, and not being great looking and overweight, I feel I don't have much of a chance finding someone out of those I'm attracted to.

I want to reassure you that there are young guys out there that would be interested in what you have to offer. Not everyone is attracted to people their own age, you aren't the only one. There are plenty of young guys who are attracted to older men. So don't give up, man.

One thing you do need to consider tho is that as time goes on, they -will- get older. If you find a 24 year old boyfriend, are you going to be still attracted to them in 10 years? Or are you going to end up dumping them because they're "too old" and you want someone younger?

[East]

Well...I think you are going to have a problem for the most part because you are seeking a very conditional kind of love...and that is your real obstacle .

As others have pointed out...what happens when your 18-28 man gets a bit older? Do you stop loving them? Do you need to find someone younger to be "in love" with? If that is the case...it is more a case of infactuation or even fetish.....and that is OK....nothing wrong with that

I am also curious...if you find a person within that age group and he is overweight ...is that a problem? Is there also a specific look you are seeking or will just anyone in that age group do?

...but here's the thing. Your chances increase dramatically if you call it what it is. I don't really believe anyone can "look for love" anyway...no matter what the circumstances. Of course...there are plenty of people who disagree with me and I understand it is just my opinion and not a fact.

IMO....love just happens...that has been my experience anyway and the experience of all of the long term couples I know...gay or straight.

[Barefoot]

Thanks for all of the great responses. I am going to try to answer all of them in one post. Some of you have said pretty much what I have thought: That we are not numerous and that I am looking for a small fraction of that small number, and then a smaller fraction of that and I agree. I am also in a location where there aren't any places where gay men congregate. So statistics work against me. Some of you have said keep looking, and that is my only option as I can't change how I am and being attracted to young guys is a part of how I am, have always been and always will be. Which brings me to the next point. Some have asked if I will still be satisfied with him when he gets older. I believe I will be. Once in love with someone, a bond develops and there is a phenomenon that takes over whereby a person doesn't notice a partner changing (aging in this case) and I myself will be also aging along with him. The only problem I do see is that at some point he will likely be left alone since he will have many more years of life left than I do. And as for the question about whether I am attracted to any man of that age or just certain "looks", I can say that I have seen many men of that age range who I have found attractive and they have very varied appearances, with only one stipulation and that is that I am not attracted to hairy men; I like twinks. Body hair is a certain and total turn off for me as are muscle guys and tall guys but those things don't change with age. So I do not believe as he ages my feelings will change for him. I'd be more worried about him in that regard. Losing someone after finding a guy I can love would be very difficult for me and I would try to hold tight to him. I also agree that "love just happens". I have been in love before and that's how it always has been. I saw him, and it just took off spontaneously. I am working on my weight problem and am succeeding but it takes time and of course I am impatient. I have never had great looks though, at least in my eyes, although a few have thought so (if they were being sincere, which I wonder about). Emotionally and intellectually I have plenty to offer but not not much in the looks department. I'm a very gentle, very affectionate loving type person but somewhat insecure and very sensitive and easily hurt.

[Pyromancer]

I think that the way you approach a younger guy can make a big difference. From my own experience, I don't do well with guys who start a conversation with coy references to the age difference. They end up sounding like they're fishing for compliments or being defensive or condescending. Call me a "cute young thing" and I want to call you grandpa, not lover...

On the other hand, a guy who simply starts a conversation with no immediate age references has a much better chance of snagging my attention. Sure, if things progress it will have to be discussed at some point. AFTER we've gotten to know each other a bit, age difference seem way less important.

[MikeW]

I've been wanting to ask someone about this and I hope people take time to understand it, as it seems complicated to me...

I've been mulling over a response to your OP since I read it yesterday. Sometimes my mind just isn't sure what to say or how to say it but my fingers don't let that stop me… I just go on typing and then look at what came out.

We have some things in common… Like you I am, and pretty much always have been, attracted to "younger" guys. One difference is I don't necessarily limit that to a specific age. (My first partner was 3 years older than I but had a lot of youthful qualities; my second partner was 10 years younger… both are deceased… but I don't want to go into a whole, long, life story here.) Also like you, I haven't been "looking" (in the sense of actively trying to find a partner) for a very long time now (well over a decade). Another area of difference is, having had and outlived two partners, I'm not particularly inclined to putting any effort into finding another. If it were to just "happen" (more or less) I might be open to it -- but the whole "hunt" thing to me just seems like too much work, LOL! I enjoy my independence and seldom feel lonely.

I've given a lot of thought to my fascination with young men. Here where I live in Berkley, I'm surrounded by them. In general (there are rare exceptions) I don't interact with them but I do notice them. I'm careful to not become… or come across as… "creepy" so I don't stare at them or intrude on their world. I just observe from afar, admiring their youthfulness, agility, athleticism or whatever it may be. Although I allow myself to enjoy sexual fantasies looking at and watching porn, I *never* let my mind go there with any young man I see or know IRL. Besides, for me at least, a lot of my fascination with young guys isn't "erotic" exactly. That's difficult to explain but one analogy I've thought of is I enjoy looking at them much the way one would enjoy looking at puppies playing. Although I can't say there is no "sexual" component to it, its more just an appreciation and enjoyment of their vigor and youthfulness. To me they are just "beautiful" in a lot of ways and the erotic is just one small component.

The way I've learned to work with this is to get to know young men online. I'm not suggesting this for you, just saying this is what I do. In a way its easier because there isn't the intimidating (for either of us) factor of physical presence. Mostly I just try and "hang out" with them, answer their questions, befriend them if they're looking for friends and don't have an age prejudice in that regard. I seldom "flirt" with them and I *never* get into sexualized on-line interactions with them *unless they initiate it* and I'm very clear with myself about this. There's only been a couple instances where the latter has happened and I felt very awkward and self-conscious about it. On the other hand, I've made some good friends that I enjoy being pin-pals and having occasional Skype conversations with. I enjoy being a "mentor" or kind of "uncle," supporting them however I can regarding *their* life path. I'm also quite clear with them and myself that I get something out of that -- IOW, they don't "owe" me anything. I do it because I enjoy it, because I don't have much of a social life, and it helps me feel that I've contributed something to someone's life. Hopefully all that makes some sense. Suffice it to say, I find this much easier on-line than I would IRL where I fear things could get complicated in ways I'd prefer to avoid.

Obviously you are wanting something more. You want real life experiences that may lead to a relationship. In general, I think you're right to assume that the possibility of that happening with someone in the age group you're into is very very slim. There are many reasons for this. As you point out, *most* gay young men in that group are "into" hooking up with guys closer to their own age. Like you, they have their own "attraction range" and -- unless you're an extremely hot (and or wealthy) older guy -- chances are very high you're not going to fall into their erotic zone. Whatever your good qualities may be, they aren't gong to find you sexually attractive.

But that's only the tip of the iceberg. I'd say the vast majority, from say 18 to 24, are not serious relationship material (even with one another, let alone with someone much older). They simply lack the maturity to maintain a relationship, let alone the emotional maturity required for an intergenerational one. Under certain circumstances a few (very few) *might* be willing to play with you sexually, but not likely to get emotionally involved. Or, even if they did, it would more likely become drama of one sort or another. Most young men are still discovering themselves and how they feel about someone one moment may be the exact opposite the next -- especially after the chemical changes that take place in the brain immediately following an orgasm! I don't know about you but drama is something I work very hard at avoiding in my life. (The proverbial, "Ain't nobody got time for dat!")

Beyond 24, with guys who know themselves better, have had some life experience, are out of school and have established a career or life path… I think there is a slight increase of possibility. But, still, there are very very few men in that age group who are going to find you physically attractive. I wouldn't say NONE… life can be full of surprises… but very rare.

Where all this gets interesting, to my mind anyway, is this dynamic balance between "erotic sexual attraction" on one hand and "enjoying spending time with, getting to know, and potentially 'falling in love with' another man" on the other. How does that happen? For sure it means there has to be some 0n-going interpersonal (and preferably IRL) interaction. How you can find that while living in a rather small community -- I'd say it is almost blind luck. Or one could say, "if it is meant to happen it will." IOW, you can't push that river -- or avoid it for that matter.

To increase your chances you're going to have to find an online venue where intergenerational dating is common. I don't know any off hand but I'm sure there are some. You're going to have to search through a lot of chaff to find any wheat -- and you *may* very well have to be willing to relocate to somewhere more populated.

My 5¢

[princealbertofb]

[MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION], oh Mike, oh Mike, such carefully chosen words... I was just wondering when we become dirty old men... your post has just shown that we aren't. Whew!!!