dunno if i am suffering from depression

[Rareboy]

yup. Depression.

Seek help from your doctor and therapist.

[reaper]

Well like others have said, you really should seek professional help. It sounds like you've been sad for so long you don't know how to be happy.

We've all had ups and downs, it's part of life.

When I've been down in the past and felt like I wasn't in a good place I would read spiritual books to help me put things in perspective.

I would read A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle.

I found it very helpful and insightful. It helped me change my perspective on things. pain and suffering, depression, and all other negative emotions that are rooted in fear are not really caused by events, but by the way our minds interpret and focus on those events.

Reading a book obviously won't change your life situation, but it can change the way feel about your life situation.

I would still look into getting real help since it seems you have drifted to such a dark place, but in the meantime I would get this book and read it without judgement.

The author was depressed and has suicidal thought at the beginning of his journey....