A question about grooming or "manscaping"

[Camfer]

It seems to me that the real opportunity for you Barefoot is to get back into the loop by developing a wide circle of friends and stop focusing about finding a boyfriend until much later. As a metaphor, you don't pick up running as a sport right off the couch, you start by walking.

As you develop more caring, platonic friendships with people, you will begin to fulfill your need for social interaction and figure out what is possible for you. It is never too late to break out of your routine and have some more people in your life.

Who knows, at some point you might even find that your don't need to carry around a laundry list of physical attributes for potential boyfriends. In the mean time, make friends with more people, even if they're old, fat, and hairy. Or young, skinny, and waxed.

It is like a Buddhist koan: what is the gender of a child of a woman who isn't pregnant? If you can answer that question, then I will tell you all about your future boyfriend.

[Lexington]

I think Cam's got the right idea. You do seem out of the loop - not just on "how the kids date these days" but the entire mindset behind it.

I'm more apt to see this thought process with young closeted guys, but it isn't surprising to see it in you, as well. There's this mindset where they look at "finding a boyfriend" as if they were shopping for clothes. "Oh, this one's too small. This one's too old. This one looks terrible. Well, this one might work with some minor alterations." But here's the thing - a shirt doesn't care whether or not you buy it, and its preferences don't come into play. But when you're looking for a relationship (or even a hook-up), you're not just the buyer - you're the seller (and the product).

There's nothing technically wrong with being as narrow and specific as you want to get with your "specifications" - thus my comment about the left-handed Eskimo pipe-welders. But then you have to hope one of those very specific types is (to continue the metaphor) interested in shopping, and interested in what you're selling. And when they aren't...well, that's when I get messages like "Gay guys are so shallow. All they care about is my looks/age/cock size. They can't see what a good person I am inside." Well, perhaps, but coming from somebody who wouldn't give anybody a second glance unless they met some pretty specific criteria, that complaint is going to thud pretty hollow on most ears.

Which is why I think Cam has the right idea. Interact with people. Work on the social skills. See if anything develops. You'd be surprised how many people end up falling for somebody outside of their "type"...mainly because there's suddenly somebody REAL in front of them who's interested.

Lex

[Beaux]

Yes I get your point, and this is why I said in my last post that I'm out of the loop. Meaning that I'm way off track in all of this. I've simply been alone for too long and in all that time I've lost my perspective. I've gotten used to being just me, no one else to think about or consider. For this reason I'm thinking it might not be appropriate for me to try to get into a relationship after all this time and at my age. I'm an old man now; it's time I accepted that. That's been my problem - not accepting it.

Wow...the first half of your post (above) is the most positive, self-owning statement I have seen from you! Good Job!
The second half though....

Look. You are NOT too old, too fat, too set in your ways (ect...) to have a relationship, but I do agree with you that you have been disconnected for too long (based solely on your previous threads and posts) and that you have lost perspective.
So...does that mean it is just time to throw in the towl and give up? Um, no. Things in life are rarely black or white, good or bad, all or nothing. You have to learn to recognize and appreciate that. Give yourself some slack, and give others the SAME slack. No one is perfect, so if you are holding out for the "perfect guy" then your gonna be holding out for a LONG time. Luckily, your not perfect either! So if you meet a guy who is able to over look your imperfections and love you anyway, then maybe you should try returning the favor..?
~Beaux

[East]

Yes I get your point, and this is why I said in my last post that I'm out of the loop. Meaning that I'm way off track in all of this. I've simply been alone for too long and in all that time I've lost my perspective. I've gotten used to being just me, no one else to think about or consider. For this reason I'm thinking it might not be appropriate for me to try to get into a relationship after all this time and at my age. I'm an old man now; it's time I accepted that. That's been my problem - not accepting it.

LIfe is a constant exercise in gaining new perspective..and that is a good thing...

The realtiosnhip thing...seriously...the best relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself and no one is EVER too old to nourish that. When you are comfortable in your own skin and you respect yourself...you may easily attract someone else...but maybe not on the terms you have now. Who knows...your terms might change as you do.

Age has alot of crappy side effects...but there are a few nice surprises as well....

...having a hard time accepting our age is a very common problem....I think probably everyone struggles with it....

[Barefoot]

Well I do have trouble accepting my age, and I avoid even thinking about it, which is easy to do because I still feel and think young inside. I feel out of place with people my age (I am quite old chronologically after all). People in their twenties and thirties I feel like I relate to best. Older people (my age) tend not to accept my younger and less "mature" ways of thinking, so it seems anyway.

Well enough of that. Thanks guys, you've given me very good advice in these last posts and some things to think about and work on. Very soon I'll be breaking out of my winter hibernation and spending my time in a much more gay friendly place with a lot of gay guys. I'm in a desert here when it comes to gay people. I have a gay neighbor who agrees and he's leaving permanently. Where I'm going I'm just going to hang out, observe and be around people and find my way back into society. Just be part of the scene and see what happens. When I'm there I'll keep all of your advise in mind and I'll try to put it to use if any opportunity comes along. I'm shy in public places and tend to keep to myself but maybe I'll get noticed. As for being out of the loop, I've never really been properly in the loop, even at my best times. I'm a loner and an introvert. I've always been socially awkward and inept, it's nothing new. My communication skills aren't good either, which is what I meant by not being articulate at times. I have trouble getting my meaning across, and that's been a factor here also. It's always been. It's easy to become discouraged and give up.

There is one thing I do want to clarify, since this thread started about asking guys to shave. It's not how a guy looks that bothers me with regard to being hairy; that doesn't bother me at all. It's when I'm intimate with him, I like to feel smooth skin. It's how his body feels, not how it looks, that I'm hung up on. I never made that clear; whether or not it even matters in the context of this thread I don't know. That's my poor communications showing that I mentioned earlier. Anyway I didn't mean to start a war on here. I didn't realize I was going to, but I forget that people can't read my mind and again, I'm very bad at getting my thoughts out so anyone can understand me. Knowing all of these things about myself it's just been easier to stay alone. I cause fewer problems for myself and others that way. Even people who really like me tell me I'm "weird" but they like me anyway. I have trouble accepting compliments and I have trust issues. None of this is new. But I know that sitting here thinking about it, it seems worse than it probably will be when I get out there, at least I hope so. If it's not I'm in real trouble.

[Barefoot]

LIfe is a constant exercise in gaining new perspective..and that is a good thing...

The realtiosnhip thing...seriously...the best relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself and no one is EVER too old to nourish that. When you are comfortable in your own skin and you respect yourself...you may easily attract someone else...but maybe not on the terms you have now. Who knows...your terms might change as you do.

Age has alot of crappy side effects...but there are a few nice surprises as well....

...having a hard time accepting our age is a very common problem....I think probably everyone struggles with it....

Just reading your post here and it made me think of something about myself that I'm having mixed feelings about. "the best relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself and no one is EVER too old to nourish that". I'm well aware that the best relationship I'll ever have is with myself; perhaps too aware. I've nurtured that relationship for decades; I know myself, researched my personal psychological issues, been to counseling about relationships at one time, and I like who and what I am. But I have trouble believing other people will. There are some skills that I've never been able to master, articulate and effective communication being chief among them, and social awkwardness that I've never been able to overcome. I'm a nerd in the fullest sense of the word. Excellent skills in technical things and very poor in social skills. Someone noticed it and jokingly told me when I was about 8 years old and I still have that problem. Sometimes it seems like perhaps I like my relationship with myself so well that maybe (I don't like to admit this, not even to myself, hence my use of the word "maybe") I'm reluctant to let anyone else into my little world. I've had chances for relationships through the years and either never pursued them or rejected them. Usually I just went my way and paid no attention, partly figuring it likely wouldn't work out anyway I guess, and partly caught up in my own little world. I know I probably seem to contradict myself. I seem that way to myself too. It's a conundrum, and it does concern me. Humans are very complex and I'm no exception. Two nights ago a guy online 26 years old wanted to meet me for a hookup and I said no. He was close by, a few miles only. But most of the time I'm not even aware if a guy is interested in me because I don't even look when I'm out and about. I'm not aware of my surroundings. My mind is on my own thoughts and doings, and I just don't see. It's an old habit, long in the making. But I would like to change it now. I don't really ever feel lonely, I'm fine in my own skin. I just think it would be nice to be with someone after all this time, and sex would be nice too. I do have doubts about whether I can fall in love. It's been such a long, long time. I guess that's what the things I'm saying in this post really boil down to. I don't think it's common for people who have been alone as long as I have to change. I'm not sure what means but it seems like it must mean something.