straight but curious

[as1]

I am curious about being with another man but must be discrete. I have been in a straight relationship for many years but don't have anyone to talk to about my feelings towards men. Is there anyone that is straight but curious and feels the way I do?

[Lexington]

Let's not beat around the bush. Are you looking for a straight-but-curious guy to cheat on your girlfriend/wife with?

Lex

[LJay]

While Lex is probably right that disloyalty is often frowned upon, it is not hard to understand curiosity. I think I hear Dan Savage in the background saying that you should get this cleared with your partner. It is not necessarily disloyal to have the urge to experiment.

There are certainly guys out there. What would make you think otherwise?

[Lexington]

It is not necessarily disloyal to have the urge to experiment.

Hey, I get the urge to punch some people in the face once in a great while, and I think everybody would agree that that's a natural thing to have happen. It's if I actually give into the urge and slug them in the fact that I'm going to have some problems. And yeah, my answer was a bit on the curt side, but then again, I'm gay and old, and that leads to being at least a little cynical.

So let me ask again, this time hopefully a little more friendlier...

What do you want? Do you want to talk about these sexual feelings of yours? Do you only want to talk to other straight-but-curious guys, because you feel they're the only ones who can truly understand your position? Do you want to try to do something more than just talk about it?

Lex

[LJay]

Gosh, Lex, if you are old then I am calling the casket maker.

[East]

Hey, I get the urge to punch some people in the face once in a great while, and I think everybody would agree that that's a natural thing to have happen. It's if I actually give into the urge and slug them in the fact that I'm going to have some problems. And yeah, my answer was a bit on the curt side, but then again, I'm gay and old, and that leads to being at least a little cynical.

So let me ask again, this time hopefully a little more friendlier...

What do you want? Do you want to talk about these sexual feelings of yours? Do you only want to talk to other straight-but-curious guys, because you feel they're the only ones who can truly understand your position? Do you want to try to do something more than just talk about it?

Lex

I am glad you are taking a turn...I just had mine so I got it out of my system and I can refrain from commenting....'til the next time.....

It is an important contribution to any conversation that regards possibly deceiving someone who trusts you. It needs to be said....

[Lexington]

Gosh, Lex, if you are old then I am calling the casket maker.

You know the five age groups:

0-18 Off Limits
18-19 Barely Legal
20-24 Experienced
25-28 Well Seasoned
29-up Dead

Lex

[indianajones]

I can never understand how a straight guy ever be curious to experiment with men! If he really feels that way, i would surmise he is more likely to be a curious bisexual. This is not to say that straight men can't sleep with men, they definitely can. I have slept with scores of straight (actually straight!) men, who weren't generally attracted to guys, but were quite okay to have casual fun with them. However, sleeping with guys while also feeling attracted to them is quite a different ballgame altogether. Bisexuality is one of the most confusing forms of sexuality, in my opinion, hence, i can't say much about what goes into the minds of bisexual men. My suggestion would be, if you have any sort of inclination towards men, go ahead and experiment, but please ensure it doesn't affect your existing relationship in any way. I don't support cheating on your partner at all, but as you haven't explored this part of your personality yet, you might want to do that now. Better late than never. I have no idea why you have realized this so late!

[LJay]

There are times when the Pharisaical mincing of words can get in the way of human experience.

[Lexington]

I can never understand how a straight guy ever be curious to experiment with men!

There are times when the Pharisaical mincing of words can get in the way of human experience.

This, pretty much.

One of the things that delayed me realizing my sexuality was the belief that "gay people are like THIS. And since I'm not like THIS, I can't be gay". In fact, for a very short period of time, I thought to myself "I'm not GAY. I'm just a guy who digs guys. That might be something gay guys do, but that doesn't make me GAY."

Which of course is stupid. "Being interested in the same sex" is the one and only qualification to be gay. Everything else is something some (or even most) gay guys do. Being gay doesn't automatically make you love show tunes or Madonna, or dislike sports, or care greatly about fashion. If you dig guys, you're gay (or bi, if you dig women as well) - that's it.

But I've seen this mindset in plenty of other guys, either early in the coming-out process, or firmly camped on the river DeNile. And they often use terminology similar to that used by the OP. They're not bisexual. They don't have "bi-curious tendencies". They're "straight but curious". And, in many instances, that mindset continues on from there. They don't want to "have sex" with another man (let alone "make love" to one) - they want to "fool around" with one. Because that adds another layer of deniability. They weren't having sex, you see - they were just messing around. You know, just guys being guys, you understand. And quite often, these guys are looking for "another straight but curious" guy to "fool around" with. Because sex with a gay guy is...well, that'd make it official, wouldn't it? That's not "fooling around" for the gay guy - that's just sex. It's what he does with other guys. And besides, who needs a gay guy passing judgment on him? Better to have another "straight but curious" guy to "fool around" with, because then it's really just "fooling around". (Feel free to continue this conversation along the masculine/feminine dynamic if you so desire. )

The thing is - it goes both ways. Not only are bicurious guys likely to use the term "straight but curious", but gay guys are far more likely to respond to it. After all, finally, here's your chance to have sex with a straight guy! Let's not ruin it by calling him "bisexual", shall we?

I once had a friend looking to start hooking up online. He wasn't getting many offers, so I suggested just one change - swapping "I'm finally convinced I'm gay, so I'd like to start experimenting" with "I'm straight but curious, and I'd like to start experimenting." No points for guessing how well that worked.

Lex

Lex