Break-up help

[supasyd]

I need help working through my problems. Sorry to be a bother. Basically how can I ever trust/love again when my heart has been totally raped?

There is a story behind this; I met my him in January 2014. I have severe problems with depression and anxiety due to things that have happened to me in the past, but we fell in love and I felt better. It was short lived and we split in April, leaving me totally depressed and suicidal and basically just a bloody mess. In July we started seeing each other again. In August we agreed to be exclusive. It was torture because we barely got to see each other. I was always giving a mile and he was always giving an inch. I thought he was just using me for sex sometimes, but then he did seem to care about me.

Turns out he was full of shit and cheating. I am through with men forever. It seems 99% just cheat and lie. He didn't even think he'd done anything wrong!! I started cutting about a month ago, and after finding out this tonight I have gone a bit over the top with it, but I have no tears left in me anymore so it's all I can do. I'm sick of being heartbroken. It's like the moment you get when the person you loves stabs you in the heart, only dragged over 11 months. I can't take the pain anymore. I don't know how I'll ever love again. I wish I was straight, not because of any internalized homophobia, but because I am starting to hate men All my friends have always been women and I just don't understand my own gender at all. I am even feeling ashamed of being male.

At the same time I don't want to be lonely, but I don't know how I can ever love another. My first boyfriend killed himself and I feel like that was all my fault too, and now this happens and I just feel like i'm cursed, only this time I'm not sure if it's my fault or just MEN. I'm worried about the cutting and depression. Just thinking of him sleeping with someone else makes me cry.

I told him to fuck off and go to hell on the phone and called him the c word. My heart has been telling me to forgive him time and time again and up until now I've listened but now I've gone against it. It hurts more than anything to go against your heart, as I've always followed it but now I feel like I just want to hurt him so he knows how i feel. I get fantasies about killing his dogs :/ i need help. I don't know what to do. How can I move on?

[meridannight]

since you're cutting yourself you should definitely talk to a professional. i don't know your history or anything to even begin to approach giving adequate advice on this. nobody on the internet does. therapists are experienced, they've seen these circumstances more often than not; they're familiar with the underlying psychology and emotional reality of the individuals involved. thus, consulting one makes a lot of sense. i think that would be the best approach you can take given the circumstances.

[Albie]

First of all, it is not your fault. It is also not MEN's fault. It is this particular man's fault.

I'm glad that you did not forgive him even when your heart wanted to. I have a friend who always does and then she continuously gets hurt.

This advice may be cliched, but surround yourself with friends and do not jump into another relationship for awhile. Time is the best cure for anything.

*hugs*

[supasyd]

thank you. I guess my dad is the only man that hasn't pissed me off in my life, hence my feelings. I didn't think the cutting was a big deal, but I kind of want to be able to wear t-shirts again. I don't think i'll be in a relationship because quite franky I don't think i'll ever love anyone else, nor do I think anyone else will ever love me. This isn't the first time we've fallen out, but it feels more final than before, and I think it's upsetting me. I hate sleeping alone with this depression as well. I find it too much to cope with.

[MikeW]

The suggestion to seek professional help is right on, especially if you're feeling suicidal and you're doing harm to yourself. We, here, can be supportive and say all kinds of things that may or may not fit with what you need, but one thing is for sure, you're dealing with a problem that you're not truly prepared to deal with. The whole point of professional help is to learn SKILLS that enable you to understand yourself better, choose better friendships/partners, set and maintain better boundaries, and a whole lot more.

So… with that said, points of observation:

1: You are not responsible for your first BFs suicide. It's a terrible thing to have happen and however much you may *think* you are the "cause" I can assure you, you are not. The decision to do something like that and the wherewithal to cary it through, lies in very old (meaning childhood and earlier), emotional scarring that may have only been "triggered" by things in the present. You didn't do it.

2: I understand your frustration with men that can't be trusted. Relationship are difficult and, to be honest, the way I see it is that *most* gay 21 years old guys should NOT be even thinking about finding monogamous LTRs. You (I mean most gay young men of this age) are not truly, emotionally, mature and ready for what a real relationship involves.

3: If you *want* a loving LTR, you have to work on yourself first. Its only at the point where you love yourself enough that you are happy with your own life, enjoying your own life, have a life that is fairly stable and financially secure, that you can begin to think seriously about *sharing* that life with someone who is equally mature and "together." Without that grounding what you (guys your age) are likely to get is DRAMA, repeatedly.

So…

4: It is too early in your years of development to "give up on men." Yes, it is painfully frustrating to have to endure the immaturity of other guys. But you can't change *them*… what you *can* change is yourself, trying to get a more objective view of yourself, view of what you need, what you're truly ready for and what you're not. You need to understand that your happiness is NOT determined by anyone else. Sure having a lover, a good lover, is a wonderful experience. But I seriously doubt there are any loving couples here who have been together more than two or three years who do NOT have to work at maintaing their communication and their relationship. Immature people can not DO that. They don't know HOW to. (And please understand that "immature" isn't a judgement--it is an observable reality. Just because you *can* fall in love doesn't mean you're *ready* to, any more than the fact you *can* get a girl pregnant means you're *ready* to support a family.)

In closing, I'm truly sorry you're having such a difficult time. That *can* change and *will* change if you give yourself the opportunity to delve into and go beyond your emotionality.

[supasyd]

I'm not suicidal and haven't been for a while. Yes, it hurts more than any pain but I don't think I could ever do that to my family. I guess I'm scared I'll never learn to love myself. It's never been something I'm very good at.

[MikeW]

I'm not suicidal and haven't been for a while. Yes, it hurts more than any pain but I don't think I could ever do that to my family. I guess I'm scared I'll never learn to love myself. It's never been something I'm very good at.

I'm glad you're not suicidal. As for learning to love yourself… I wonder if it is possible for us to help you with that? Nice thing is, you are young enough to not yet be totally settled in your ways… so there's room to grow and learn. "Loving yourself" may not be exactly the right way to put it, either. It's a phrase we use but what does it really mean? At the very least it can mean learning to accept yourself, respect yourself. It can also mean learning to identify your best qualities and learning to work with them to deepen and broaden them. There's also the possibility of identifying your weaker qualities so they can be better understood, accounted for and enhanced. So, to me, "loving myself," is basically appreciating who and what I am and building on those qualities. Does that make sense?

[Rareboy]

Please seek proper, professional counselling.

There's so much going on here that none of us are even remotely qualified to give advice about.

You realize that you have serious emotional issues, so please act on this and work with your therapist to sort out the anger, guilt, anxiety and depression.

[Wolfpack]

First of all you are NOT a bother , we are happy to help you if we can.

Get yourself some help NOW , you need medical treatment and support , trying to cope with the distress you are in on your own is not going to work for you.

You need to move on from this guy and let him go because hanging onto him is doing you no good at all. Please do not let this failed relationship colour you judgement about all Men or take you down a road of hated and bitterness , this will do you no good and make life even worse for you. This guy was not right for you but you should find plenty of guys that are.

Get yourself sorted out and most of all be kind to yourself and take care.

[supasyd]

thanks everyone this has actually been pretty helpful. yes I know he is no good for me and I should have walked away ages ago, but I do love him. It's hard when I go to bed at night because I keep thinking about him. I recognize this as self destructive, but how do I go about cutting him out of my life without regretting it? I know i'm not the first person to go through this. I feel like I can't ever get over him. My heart and head say different things. I don't think I need counselling or whatever. I think it's just one of those things that happen.

It is depressing though. I feel like I've died a thousand times.