Break-up help

[MikeW]

thanks everyone this has actually been pretty helpful. yes I know he is no good for me and I should have walked away ages ago, but I do love him. It's hard when I go to bed at night because I keep thinking about him. I recognize this as self destructive, but how do I go about cutting him out of my life without regretting it? I know i'm not the first person to go through this. I feel like I can't ever get over him. My heart and head say different things. I don't think I need counselling or whatever. I think it's just one of those things that happen.

It is depressing though. I feel like I've died a thousand times.

It's complicated, isn't it, how we mess ourselves up and make our lives 100 times more miserable than they need to be? Look, this guy cheated on you, right? He has disrespected you and your relationship. If you "love" him then that love is as mis-placed as it would be if he were physically abusive, right? The only difference between physical and emotional abuse is the former leaves physical scars and the latter doesn't -- unless *you* inflict them on yourself.

So, how do you stop? Well… just stop. Seriously. For sure "easier said than done," but "ease" or not, that's how you do it. If it helps, get angry at HIM (not yourself) about this. But most of all just start re-directing your thoughts. I know, I know, "I can't help it, I think about him all the time…" Yeah, I've been there too -- but there comes a point where you realize you HAVE TO take care of yourself. Have to. You're just dwelling on the pain and you HAVE TO move on. It may be a "little by little" thing but you have to do it. So… start now. Go watch a movie or read a book or whatever, something you enjoy doing that DISTRACTS you from thinking about him and feeling this hurt and so called "love" for him. (Why do we "love" people who don't respect us and cause us pain? -- that is a question you need to ponder for yourself and with a qualified therapist.)

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I get the whole "I'm done with men forever" aspect of your feelings, but lets look at this a bit more reasonably.

You have mental/emotional health issues.

1. These are going to lead to your not making the right judgement calls when it comes to men. Your going to fall easier for a charming fella, regardless if this is authentic charm or the scary charm that so many psychopaths and sociopaths and other miserable sorts have.

2. Your going to readily stick with what you have (no matter how bad he is for ya) because somewhere in there there is this voice saying 'I can't do better than this because I'm ________________(fill in the blank with which ever diagnosis you want).

3. Your going to draw more monsters to you. This last happens because the bad guys are constantly looking for an easy mark, a victim.

Your last relationship has hallmarks of all three of these and a wee bit more.

Yes you do need counseling/therapy. Your cutting yourself for God's sake - that ain't a happy place.

You also need to work on YOU for a while after this relationship because you need to rediscover who you are as an individual post-what's-his-name.


I have struggled with suicide, self esteem issues, PTSD, SAD and other garbage for all of my adult life (I'm 48 currently - so we are talking decades). I learned a few tricks along the way, figured out how to deal with and skirt some of the monsters and mayhem humans are prone to. However even after all of that experience I still make huge mistakes. Primarily because I flat refuse to ask for help from professionals - you know, like therapists.

I waited until my 30's to seek out professional therapy - by that time 'bad' behaviors were ingrained and I was hella more stubborn to work on stuff. Which means that since I put it off I had more problems. Now I am facing a similar situation, but this time I'm actually seeking the professional help earlier than I would have 20 years ago.

You're 21, you are at the very best age to actually get more benefit from therapy. I only wish there was an internet and people to tell me about therapy when I was 21 - life would have been far, far better and easier.

Seriously, get a therapist that you can work with to handle your stuff, get a grip on the suicidal thoughts, depression, and cutting. Also learn a little psychology so you can know how others are attracted to you. Victimization happens when a person refuses to break the chain. You can be a survivor, break the chains, overcome, learn to adapt and not repeat the same mistake by dating the same personality type over and over again. Problem is, you need to know what it is that makes you attracted to 'that type'. Therapy is the best solution for that.

[araya]

you really need a help from a pro counselling
you're only 21, there's still a lot of men to date with
saying you won't love anymore but you're afraid of being lonely is like saying you won't ever eat again because you don't want to be fat but you obviously gonna be hungry later

[meridannight]

I don't think I need counselling or whatever. I think it's just one of those things that happen.

cutting yourself when a guy cheats on you and fantasizing about killing his dogs is not one of those things that ''just happen''. the fact that you don't understand this is a problem here too, among other things. in fact, you seem to fluctuate about that, claiming you're worried about it in your first post, and then downplaying it afterwards. that's not a good indicator either.

healthy people don't cut themselves when a guy breaks up with/cheats on them. if it were a single isolated incident, it probably wouldn't be that serious. but you have a whole pattern of behaviors there along with it that would throw off some alarms in most people's heads. as it has done, shown by the majority of responses you have gotten here. that's not a coincidence.

and you have nothing to lose from consulting a therapist (in a lot of places you should be able to do that anonymously, by the way, if you're worried about that). you need an objective opinion/feedback from a person who is expert on human relationships and psychology. that's what a therapist is. it doesn't mean you're sick. but you're in a distress, and this will help you realize things about situations like this and yourself that you wouldn't otherwise figure out on your own.

i can't force you to do it and i've said all i can say here. it's up to you, in the end. but i strongly recommend you reconsider your position on it.

[Rareboy]

thanks everyone this has actually been pretty helpful. yes I know he is no good for me and I should have walked away ages ago, but I do love him. It's hard when I go to bed at night because I keep thinking about him. I recognize this as self destructive, but how do I go about cutting him out of my life without regretting it? I know i'm not the first person to go through this. I feel like I can't ever get over him. My heart and head say different things. I don't think I need counselling or whatever. I think it's just one of those things that happen.

It is depressing though. I feel like I've died a thousand times.

I am going to be firm about this.

From everything you've written, you definitely require professional counselling help. Self harm isn't to be taken lightly or accepted by you or anyone around you as a healthy or reasonable behaviour. Depression to the point of contemplating suicide is not a casual thing.

You need someone who can work with you to achieve a balanced state of mental health and someone who can maybe help you identify what it is that is blocking you from being able to develop a healthier perspective and the tools for emotional problem solving...because the way you are going about it so far isn't working out well as a long term strategy.

Please let us know that you have sat down and talked to a counsellor about this latest episode of self harm.

[supasyd]

thank you everyone. I understand what you are all saying and it makes sense. honestly finding a counsellor and actually booking an appointment and showing up has always felt like a massive effort for something that might not work. I'm feeling a little better today. I'm 22 on Tuesday and I've decided I don't want to waste any more youth being unhappy. uni is actually helping a lot this year as I've made a lot of really good supportive friends and enjoy going out a lot more. Maybe being dumped is the fresh start I need. I have a lot of work to do though because I keep falling into the same negative thought patterns.

[Wolfpack]

Glad to hear that you feeling a bit more positive about life , and like you have said think of this as a fresh start. I would still recommend getting therapy it should at least help you organise your thoughts in a more constructive and helpful way, leading to a better quality of life for you.

[Rareboy]

thank you everyone. I understand what you are all saying and it makes sense. honestly finding a counsellor and actually booking an appointment and showing up has always felt like a massive effort for something that might not work. I'm feeling a little better today. I'm 22 on Tuesday and I've decided I don't want to waste any more youth being unhappy. uni is actually helping a lot this year as I've made a lot of really good supportive friends and enjoy going out a lot more. Maybe being dumped is the fresh start I need. I have a lot of work to do though because I keep falling into the same negative thought patterns.

No it is not a lot of work for something that might not work.

But to be clear about this, you have to be a full and willing partner in realizing an optimal state of emotional and mental health. If you are expecting someone to 'fix' you without doing any of the heavy lifting...it won't work.

Your past and present suggests a pattern of self-destructive behaviour and thought processes that require professional care and support.

At the moment, you will brush this off, because you are feeling better today. But you display a behavioural pattern that suggests that this is transient.

Please, please, please get some therapeutic counselling.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

thank you everyone. I understand what you are all saying and it makes sense. honestly finding a counsellor and actually booking an appointment and showing up has always felt like a massive effort for something that might not work.

1. That is the nature of depression, it makes small things huge even insurmountable.

2. IF you work therapy it works. If you just go there and shoot the breeze and expect the therapist to do all the work then nothing will come of it.

Therapy does work if you work it. How do I know? Because I have been to several therapists in the past and when I worked with them I actually accomplished 'shit' on my 'shit list' and got over and through a lot of things. Granted in my case there is a lot more shit to be shoveled - but I'm working on it.

Unfortunately none of us here can do the leg work for you - you know checking with your insurance which therapists are covered, then make the phone calls. There may be the assistance of your general practitioner/primary care provider - tell him/her 'I'm depressed and cutting, I need a therapist'.