So, I have been having the WORST luck with dating. I will try to give a little background before explaining this.
I live in a pretty small town in Oklahoma. The majority of gay guys in this town have grown up around country guys and an overall perspective of the gay lifestyle as something shameful. You can guess that this has created a lot of gay guys who prefer "straight-acting" partners, whether or not they might admit to it. As for me, I don't really care one way or the other, as long as I am in love with the person. The only limit would be that I would prefer dating a male -- not that I would not support someone who wanted to become transgender, of course. It really just depends on circumstances with that kind of situation.
Anyway, the very, very few gay bars that were here (a whole one bar) have disappeared, making the possibility of meeting other gay men slim. So Grindr or Jack'd seems to be the only option. I hate using them to meet guys, but I have tried. So far, I've met about 6 guys from there that ALL have ended up doing the same thing to me.
Usually, we meet. We go on a date, and we may or may not have sex then or on the second date, if we do at all. What usually happens is that they are SO EXCITED to meet me, which makes me nervous now because I seem to always disappoint their expectations. A couple have contacted me after the first meeting, calling me "sexy" or whatnot, wanting me to hang out again. What keeps happening, though, is usually they end up saying they want to "just be friends" (I never suggested dating to any of them, mind you), and after that conversation, nothing. No texts. They might add me Facebook, but there's no further contact.
Is there something wrong with me? I can't for the life of me figure out what I keep doing that scares away these guys. I feel as if they are expecting the perfect Prince Charming; it's as if when we start talking and we get along, they believe that I'm going to be the perfect guy, I think. I just cannot fathom what I'm doing wrong. I've had 2 long-term relationships, and both break-ups were not awful -- we are still on friendly terms.
Are these guys I'm meeting the ones who are bad at this? I need help knowing what to do for future dates!
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
•
I think I found your problem.
elprinciperojo Wrote:I live in a pretty small town in Oklahoma.
...yep, there it is. 
Seriously, though, it's really impossible to say with the information given. Maybe something about you in person turned them off - your clothing style, your laugh, your taste in music, your political views, or any of a number of things. Or maybe they're really just looking for hook-ups. Or they found what they consider "better fish" to pursue than you. Or they're just flighty. Or a bunch of other options.
If they've added you on Facebook, or if you still have contact information for them, it wouldn't hurt to simply ask. You might not like the answer, but it's probably not a bad idea to find out if they're willing to share.
Lex
•
Yeah, you're right. I've tried that with one guy who never answered, though he was younger anyway, so meh. Maybe I keep finding the ones who just want hookups!
And you're right about the small town being a problem. Like I said, A LOT of them are almost DEATHLY AFRAID of femininity, it would seem. I'm not even THAT feminine, but considering that I don't have a problem with it, I've probably done something that they consider "too gay."
•
I'd be lying if I didn't say I went through that phase myself. I recall deciding to myself that I actually wasn't gay - I was just "a guy who digs other guys". Neglecting the fact that, of course, that's the definition of "gay" right there.
And that IS another huge advantage of being in a larger city. Not only is the pool deeper, but most of the people there have come in contact with enough different "types" that they tend to adapt a more "live and let live" attitude towards them all.
Lex
•
You are going to find many of the same problems with guys in a big city that you do in your small town. There are exceptions to that "looking for straight acting/looking for masculine" thing and the advantage a big city will have is that with a larger population you will find more of those exceptions. Years ago many gay men moved to the same places, San Francisco, NYC Chelsea, Boystown Chicago, Palm Springs, Key West, Miami and few others. Much of it was for safety in an unfair world, but much of it was also the fear of living a life of loneliness if you stayed in your hometown and risked never meeting the love of your life. Times have changed and those 'gay' cities do not have quite the same draw, but even today that need to try to find someone in life within our small numbers still makes larger cities a draw to many gay people. I have never had to use gay apps because they came along after I was in already in a relationship, but you would think it would have been a solution for small town boys. From all of the threads I see in forums it doesn't seem to be working out that way. If it is important to stay in your small town, you might want to consider being a frequent traveler to increase your chances of meeting someone or if you're not adverse to moving to a large city, that might be something to consider. There are no guarantees, but you can do things to increase the odds.
•
Posts: 2,698
Threads: 34
Joined: May 2014
Reputation:
0
Starsign:  Capricorn
Mood: None
I think this is the third thread in as many days of gay guys complaining about how difficult it is to find dates and relationships off apps and dating sites.
Yeah, for sure, OP… It isn't easy to find a compatible partner even under the best of circumstances -- that being a more populated sea of fish. That or its just dumb luck or fate or whatever you want to call it that your lover just happens to live across town or right next door. All you can do is keep your eyes open and your gay-dar tuned.
.
•
elprinciperojo Wrote:So, I have been having the WORST luck with dating. I will try to give a little background before explaining this.................
Are these guys I'm meeting the ones who are bad at this? I need help knowing what to do for future dates!
I think you living in a smaller town is what causes all this mess. Its just hard and actually i'm on the same situation. What i did though is now I just let it go... I'm not seeking for love and letting love find me... the natural way I guess... regarding the dates, they just want to see you personally and see if they like you or not... its really bothering if they start to ignore you, but you can't really do anything about it... have you tried Tinder?
•
No, I haven't tried Tinder. I think I'm just going to have to accept the fact that this is going to happen. In the past, before we had Grindr and all that, I barely ever met gay guys around here. Now that I can finally see every gay dude in town, it's exposing me to more rejection than I'm used to, I suppose. It's hard, but I need to learn to accept it.
•
Iceblink Wrote:You are going to find many of the same problems with guys in a big city that you do in your small town. There are exceptions to that "looking for straight acting/looking for masculine" thing and the advantage a big city will have is that with a larger population you will find more of those exceptions. Years ago many gay men moved to the same places, San Francisco, NYC Chelsea, Boystown Chicago, Palm Springs, Key West, Miami and few others. Much of it was for safety in an unfair world, but much of it was also the fear of living a life of loneliness if you stayed in your hometown and risked never meeting the love of your life. Times have changed and those 'gay' cities do not have quite the same draw, but even today that need to try to find someone in life within our small numbers still makes larger cities a draw to many gay people. I have never had to use gay apps because they came along after I was in already in a relationship, but you would think it would have been a solution for small town boys. From all of the threads I see in forums it doesn't seem to be working out that way. If it is important to stay in your small town, you might want to consider being a frequent traveler to increase your chances of meeting someone or if you're not adverse to moving to a large city, that might be something to consider. There are no guarantees, but you can do things to increase the odds.
Thank you. It's true that Grindr is helpful for the small town crowd because our bars are no longer operating. BUT...Grindr is just terrible, I think, when it comes to trying to socialize. I prefer meeting face-to-face to begin with. I do plan on moving to a bigger city, I just do not have the funds to do so right now. I should just focus on finishing school and starting my career rather than these petty ordeals, but dating or relationships just seems to be a hard aspect to give up altogether! Maybe I'll move to a city pretty soon and things will start to look up for me. I think there are more guys in the cities that would not mind just being friends; in this town, the concept of gay guys being friends seems to be impossible for people to grasp.
•
MikeW, I'm sorry that you keep having to see these threads. It seems to be an ongoing phenomenon, especially for the guys stuck in small towns with no gay bars or the like to be able to socialize in person.
•
|
