Bad issues in the relationship

[Luca]

Hi, my name's Luca, I'm a teenager and I've recently been in a long-distance relationship that lasted about 7-8 months. It's been my first real relationship.


I loved my partner more than anything else in the world(and still do), the start of our relationship was perfect, we were both really happy and it was like a dream come true, we always spent a lot of time with each other (online, of course).
The point is, after a bit, things started getting so much worse. I started doing things that hurt him, a lot. I've always been the problem in the relationship.

Stuff like breaking promises, not making the right choices for the relationship, etc. He's always been there for me, though, forgiving me and helping me
to solve all the problems we had. And I'm so thankful for that.
But things got worse and worse, because of me. I started hurting him more frequently, even though I obviously didn't want to. He obviously was upset and annoyed at me, because i didn't really help him, every time it took me a lot before i actually managed to help him feel better.

This started happening so often that we broke up a few times, but we always managed to get back together, until it just became too much (well, it already was) for him.

That's when he started being depressed, really really depressed, and well, that was just horrible. Knowing that the person you love is depressed because of you, is just horrible, I don't even wanna think about how bad it was for him, it makes me feel so bad. This went so far that he even tried to kill himself, more than once. That's just so horrible, he did it because of me.

These last months have been like

-3 days feeling bad
-1-2 day being actually together when i managed to make him feel better about the relationship.

It's been like this for so long, until, well, we broke up, for real, a few days ago.

I understand his choice, i really do, i just wonder, what's wrong with me? I've been such a horrible boyfriend to him, I've basically ruined his life, but i love him, more than anything.
He's given me so many chances, but nothing, i never change, i keep hurting him, even when i don't think id be able to. I never try to, i never want to hurt him but i always end up doing it, i just can't be a boyfriend, but I want to, that's all i want, i just wanna be with him again, my life is nothing without him. I tried to change, but then something happens and i make mistakes.


I really don't know what to do, I wanna be with him and I don't wanna hurt him, I wanna be with him for all my life, no matter what it takes. I'm depressed now, I feel like I'm worthless and like I've just been a horrible boyfriend to him. It's really unlikely that we'll get back together and I know that, but I dont wanna give up, I wanna do all I can to to get back with him, he means everything to me and i want him to be happy. I really don't know what to do, maybe i should see a psychologist or something, I don't know. Thanks to everyone who will reply.

[Lexington]

Welcome to GS!

You seem to know what the overall problem is. I'll just quote: "I started doing things that hurt him, a lot. I've always been the problem in the relationship." And you sort of treat that like "well, that's just how I am". So let me ask. Why do you do these things? What are you hoping to achieve when you actively try to hurt him? Are you hoping to "gain the upper hand in the relationship"? Are you "testing him"? Do you enjoy hurting other people? What's your mindset when you do these things?

Lex

[Luca]

Hey, thank you and thanks for responding. No, I didn't do it to test him, I just don't know why I did all those things, none of them were done to hurt him, so I didn't want to achieve anything, its like if he told me to not to do something cause it bothered him but I still did that thing, that's kind of all the things I've done. My mindset was just like "uhh, whatever", I tried to not think about it. And no, I'd never like to hurt him and I never felt like I had "power" over him, I have never forced him to do anything. Again, thanks for replying!

[meridannight]

you're a teenager. too early to go i-wanna-settle-down-for-life. you're too young to understand this, but at your age you don't know what a mature and a healthy relationship is, or what it takes to be in one, much less make one last ''all your life''. you simply don't have the necessary experience and perspective.

if you were older, i'd probably think the therapist would be a good idea, but i think you might be overdramatizing it. like a typical teenager you make it look like everything revolves around you. that is a superficial treatment and rarely the case in real life. you had your part, the other guy had his. accept the fact that neither of you is suited for being in a relationship (with each other) right now, and move on.

as you get older and more mature things will settle down and you might find yourself better suited to make a life with another person. right now, you have to let that guy go. you can't stop yourself from hurting him and have no self-control, he can't stop from saying no and walking away = you two should take a break. period.

[Luca]

Yeah, I'm young and I don't have much experience but I love him. I'm in control of myself, I know I can change, I don't care if it's hard or not. I don't wanna lose him, I might be young but I know how I feel and what I want. And I also had time to get used to the relationship, nearly a year.
I'm not gonna give up just cause I've made mistakes in the past.

I know we're made to be with each other, I know we can be happy together. He's the best boyfriend I could ever ask for, and I know I can be like that to him too. There's no one like him, he's like the best thing ever to me and I can't live without him. He's literally the reason why I live. There's no way I'll ever give up on the relationship. No way, I'll always keep fighting for it, because I truly love him.

[Darius]

Maybe you're just selfish and don't know how to give to another person instead of always just taking?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Live and learn. That is what life is about.

What you choose to take away with you from this experience is up to you. What you do with that knowledge is also up to you.

You know the problem, now work on the solution.

[Luca]

Maybe you're just selfish and don't know how to give to another person instead of always just taking?

I thought about that, it could be, but it's not 100% of the problem. I think I need to make more effort for the relationship? Probably, I don't know

Live and learn. That is what life is about.

What you choose to take away with you from this experience is up to you. What you do with that knowledge is also up to you.

You know the problem, now work on the solution.

Yeah, that's what i wanna do

[TwisttheLeaf]

To be honest? When I read your post, the first thing that came to mind was the possibility of a BPD (borderline personality disorder).

This is something about yourself that's bothering you, and I think your best option would be to get into therapy to get worked out what's triggering this behavior so you can find a way to fix it.

[Luca]

To be honest? When I read your post, the first thing that came to mind was the possibility of a BPD (borderline personality disorder).

This is something about yourself that's bothering you, and I think your best option would be to get into therapy to get worked out what's triggering this behavior so you can find a way to fix it.

Thanks for replying, i thought about it a few weeks ago and yeah, i could have it (I have some of the symptoms) but it shouldn't affect the relationship much, I don't think so. Anyway, I don't want to think about it too much or I'll start thinking that everything I do isn't my fault (that's how I am).