A Little Confused

[Noema]

he's gay and he knows I am,it's understood but he gives me mixed messages and i'd like to be sure

There's a chance that if you treat him as a friend, you'll miss out on if anything more is even possible. What if he's too shy or uncomfortable to speak up?

If you want something more with him, the best idea would be to ask. Before someone else who's interested steps up and asks in your place and you miss your chance. :eek:

[MikeW]

...Bottom line is that I do like him as a friend too and I don't want to lose what we already have.Friends are important too.There's other guys out there for sex and love.So that's how I decided to handle it .How does this all sound?

Well, I agree with [MENTION=22476]Noema[/MENTION] , if you don't ask, how will you know? I understand you may be shy, I understand not wanting to have your "bubble burst," and I understand not wanting to loose a potential friend but, OTOH, he could be just as shy and uncertain as you are.

So you see this guy in a certain context. I gather that he has some way to contact you outside of that because you say, "He apologized for not getting in touch for a few weeks." And you also say, "I'm at the point now where I want to know one way or the other.Even if the answer is not what I want to hear it's still better than not knowing and being stuck in limbo." Yeah, well, I agree.

You say you see him at Paneras, but you don't give the context. Are you a customer and he's a waiter or other employee? IF the only way you've seen this guy is in a specific context, do you *want* to share some time with him outside of Paneras? If so, think about what other time you'd like to spend with him. It doesn't have to be a full on "date". You could invite him to meet for coffee or lunch. You could say you're going to a movie or performance or social event and ask if he'd like to accompany you. I don't know, I'm not there and don't know how to read what's really going on but, although I know it is intimidating and there's always the risk of getting shut down, I think there's a point where, if I'm really interested in someone, I just take it up a notch and see what happens.

Going out with someone or spending time with them outside a certain context, certain roles, doesn't preclude anything… It just gives us an opportunity to get to know one another a bit better. It's just another step and who knows if there will be further steps to take? If he says no then you have an answer. He might say, "Oh, I've already seen that movie…" then the question is does he come up with an alternative, "…but I'd like to go see __________ would you be interested in that?" You can say yes or no. I mean, that's how it works, right? We take the risk of inviting someone to spend more time with us. They either say yes or no or they offer some alternative to our invitation. Then we just take it from there. Even if it doesn't go any further than that, it doesn't mean you're necessarily going to loose what you have, does it?

Maybe I just don't understand. :\

[CellarDweller]

Just ask him out! He seems friendly enough where if he's not interested, he'll be gentle about it.

[Darius]

Why should he make it more obvious that he wants romance if you won't?

[abcd1234]

Mike, he works at Paneras and i'm the customer.We have a lot in common and we have been out for coffee a couple of times.I also forgot to mention that he's at least 20 years younger than me.I don't know if that means anything.He never asked me my age.Another thing is that I don't look my age as I have a baby face.He's definitely responsive every time I speak to him but he does have a very busy schedule and maybe that's why I only see him sporadically.What do you think?

[MikeW]

Mike, he works at Paneras and i'm the customer.We have a lot in common and we have been out for coffee a couple of times.I also forgot to mention that he's at least 20 years younger than me.I don't know if that means anything.He never asked me my age.Another thing is that I don't look my age as I have a baby face.He's definitely responsive every time I speak to him but he does have a very busy schedule and maybe that's why I only see him sporadically.What do you think?

Dude, you're driving me to dribblin's …

What do you want to have happen?

[East]

I need your advice on something.The guy I'm interested in is very busy with his job and schedule.I know him a few months now and there have been plenty of signals like eye contact and some touching.He definitely is interested in what I have to say and looks forward to seeing me when I come to Paneras.He apologized for not getting in touch for a few weeks. He also checks me out when i'm in there.I'm getting very frustrated playing,"He loves me,he loves me not" I'm almost afraid to be more blunt because I have a fear of rejection and I happen to be nuts about the guy.On the other hand it may work in my favor and that's a plus.I'm at the point now where I want to know one way or the other.Even if the answer is not what I want to hear it's still better than not knowing and being stuck in limbo.I don't want to feel that i'm wasting my time.Even my therapist and my friends say that it sounds like he's romantically interested in me but I want more than subtle hints.What should I do ?

I have no idea if he is romantically interested or not....but I do know what I think you should do...

ASK HIM if he would like to date...or fuck...

I'd go for the fuck first myself...and then a date or two afterward if it works out in the fucking department...but that is what I am comfortable with...you should do what it best for you...but DO make a move and find out one way or the other....

[Pyromancer]

Have you asked him if he wants to fuck?

IDK man...don't you think that may be a little too subtle? I kinda tend to go with the club on the head and drag back to my cave approach...

[Iceblink]

When I first looked at this thread I did not notice your age, abcd1234, so forgive for being a little direct, but I do not intend it to be mean and I might be the first here to say it, but I doubt I am the first one to think it. You are much too old to still be "a little confused" about these kind of situations.

This sounds like one of the many threads from the late teens and early twenty somethings here, but they're new to the dating game. We even give a pass on this to those somewhat older than that because in the gay world many of us start later in life those early years of learning by experience when it comes to dating. When these kind of situations arise, by now the process should just be you weigh the options of asking him if he is interested in possibly something more or if you should just be friends. Once you've made a decision, you just live with it and do not give it much more thought, but at your age this should not really even be thought of as a process. This kind of thinking should just come naturally and without much effort. Look at the responses here. They pretty much all say the same thing. You are making something very difficult that is not really all that complicated. Maybe you should have some discussion with your therapist, not about how to ask a guy out, but if there might perhaps be some social anxiety or some other problem. An expert can help get to the heart of the problem, but not being an expert does not mean that others cannot recognize there is a problem and a 58 yo man still having such a quagmire in life about whether or not to ask a person in his life if the person is interested in something more is rather unusual.

[abcd1234]

But the thing is I am so afraid of rejection.Most of the guys I was with were very easy to read as they made their interest more overt.On the other hand subtle signals are harder to read and I don't want to misread them.Also this guy is at least 20 years younger than me and really handsome.Don't get me wrong I'm a nice looking man too for my age but I am very flattered that a young handsome guy could be attracted to someone old enough to be his father.The reason I have my doubts is because I'm thinking,"Is this too good to be true!" Do you understand where I'm coming from?