Really Needing Advice Please!

[BarryAndBryan]

Thank you Mike....and I don't think you are being harsh....and he is my HUSBAND....not my nd...we would never just up and leave each other....we have been through so much together....and the reason we can't just leave is because we gave up our home and our jobs to be here for her...we do have new jobs that we start tomorrow...thankfully....I just don't know how to get him through this until we can get out of here....I don't want to lose the relationship we have always had due to the stress this is putting on us both...

[princealbertofb]

Ah, now things are clear. You upped and went to live with mother in law.... that was not very clear. So good luck getting those jobs going and soon being able to afford your own accomodation.

[MikeW]

It's a bit unnerving that OPs don't give us the information we need to give a full response… You gave up your jobs and moved in with the mother… Well that right there was obviously a HUGE mistake.

Water under the bridge, you have to get out of there and the sooner the better. What's stopping you from getting an apartment? Ok, so you're married… to me that is ALL THE MORE REASON why this should not be happening at all. Husband and husband come before husband and parents. ALWAYS. That's what it is all about. It's a new union, new family, independent of the ones we were born into. I know, I know, easier said than lived, but its the truth. You say you would't leave him.. Uh, yeah, I didn't say leave HIM. I said move out of the mother's house. Get your own place. He can come live with your or not. At the very least GET A HOTEL ROOM AND FUCK YOUR BLOODY BRAINS OUT.

Again, my own issues are showing so my apologies.

[BarryAndBryan]

Mike....you really make me laugh...Lol....and I do appreciate everyone's thoughts and opinions....and I do apologize for not giving all of the information at once....didn't want my post to be term paper...Lol....I just appreciate all of the opinions and suggestions...I'm just in a situation that isn't easy to get out of....but it boils down to not losing our relationship in all of this madness....

[meridannight]

She will call my husband away from her to make her coffee, to go to the front door to get her mail, even call him down to throw away a piece of trash when the trash can is sitting directly beside of her.

my sister was like that. i know exactly the type of behavior, although her motivation was a bit different and more childish. but i know what you're talking about.

He wants to leave here even more than I do, and constantly tells me he wants our lives back....that he knows it's gotten to the point that she is only taking advantage of him. THIS is why he is so depressed. She is making him guilty. Making him feel like he can't or shouldn't leave. He has a sister that lives an hour away that stopped coming to visit for this very reason.

you two need to get out of that house. it is as simple as that. just call her bullshit and get out. getting caught up arguing about it, or debating it -- NO. pack your things and get out of there. do not even hear whatever counter-arguments she might have. talking doesn't help with people like that. talking is just another way for them to try to twist the situation to their advantage.

you might not like the rest of what i have to say but hear it out -- the reason she is successful with this is because your partner lets her do that to him and lets her get away with it (he's not doing it willfully though, don't blame him). it's to do with him not firmly establishing boundaries and control of his own life. it's to do with him not being harsh where it's called for. and this needs to be done, at times. you can't treat everybody with gloves on and hope to god not to hurt/offend them. even if they are your mother. life doesn't work that way. you'll get trampled on and used up. and this is exactly what she's doing.

back when i lived with my mom and sister, when my sister pulled crap like that i hit her across the head, or something similarly harsh. i would have none of it and she knew that her bullshit wouldn't work with me. she did it with my mom though. a lot. my mom let her roll right over her. the same way i described above.

it has A LOT to do with how you react to it yourself. you let people like that get away with it, they won't ever stop. they see you as weak and to manipulate with. any such behavior needs to be welcomed with zero tolerance.

likewise, your husband needs to set the record straight with her. establish basic boundaries and show her that she can't pull this shit. you need to make him see this. he needs to step up, there is no other way. it will only get worse from here, if this doesn't happen.

i hope you can make it work.

[MikeW]

... the reason she is successful with this is because your partner lets her do that to him and lets her get away with it (he's not doing it willfully though, don't blame him). it's to do with him not firmly establishing boundaries and control of his own life. it's to do with him not being harsh where it's called for. and this needs to be done, at times. ...

I suspect this is exactly the case. My family of origin literally made me insane. LITERALLY made me such a basket case I considered killing myself and at one point tried to have myself committed to a mental institution (and was, fortunately but no less ironically, told by the on-duty psychiatrist at 3AM that morning, that people who are sane enough to want to commit themselves are not insane enough to be committed, LOL!!!). There came a point in my life where, for my own sanity and survival, I *had* to set boundaries and maintain them. If you and your husband aren't familiar with this concept, it is time you became aware of them. Google "personal boundaries" along with keywords such as "setting" and "maintaining".

[BarryAndBryan]

Hello, this is Bryan, Barry's husband. This thread actually helped me and my husband to have a long conversation about how we both feel about the temporary situation we're in at the moment. When I first read this thread I got angry, I'm not going to lie. And btw, I knew my husband was on here he's the only that sparked some interest in me to also get active on this website. I've always enjoyed helping others through rough times, bumps in the road, and giving my honest advice hoping I made a positive difference. He told me what he was writing about and how he felt about the issues I'm dealing with as well as the way he feels and is dealing with. It's 50/50 for us.

I'm an empath when it comes to reading people; feeling vibes. When I first started to read the thread I got angry because everyone doesn't know on a personal note what my husband and I are truly going through. When I read posts saying, "I would leave" I interpreted as people giving advice for my husband, who is my best friend, my everything, to leave me. I get defensive easily- it's my personality- something Barry has accepted about me. I'm very passionate but he explained how he took it from his perspective. It's something he has to do to help me get through situations.

Anyway...

Nobody understands, which my husband left this part out... my father didn't just pass away- he died unexpectedly. I had no time to prepare for my father's loss. The day before he died they were going to release him to come home with my mother. They did studies on him and couldn't find a reason or cause why my father was going into complete organ failure. They couldn't explain to us why they were giving him blood transfusions- 8 pints of blood a day. He finally started to improve in health, his liver and kidneys were functioning normally 3 days before he passed away, and the doctor walked in and told us that my father would be released and able to come back home. We were excited to get my dad back.

We had just started working at a call center- a really great job- our lives were awesome and we were planning on getting a better place to live that was going to be more convenient to our jobs. We were preparing for work when my mom's friend (we didn't have a landline phone and there was no cell phone service where we were living- it was my grandmother's old house) banged on our door and told us to get to the hospital quick that it was bad for my dad.

When I got to the hospital they sat me down and told me my father had died- the day he was going to be released. It's hard for me to talk about it. I love my dad so much. I felt like my father died in a fatal car crash. We had no time to prepare. We didn't even have a chance to tell him our goodbyes. The last thing I told my dad was, "I love you dad. See you tomorrow." His words, and I still hear them- it haunts me- "I love you, too, Bryan. Why are you guys acting like this. I AM NOT DYING." We didn't know he was dying, nor did my dad, nor did the doctors. A week later we found out my dad died due to having multiple myeloma stage 4 blood cancer. The doctors explained that in cases with myeloma that the cancer is extremely hard to discover and usually when they do discover it is when the patient dies. I HATED THE WORLD. I HATED THE DOCTORS. I HATED MYSELF FOR FEELING IGNORANT.

I told my mom that we would stay with her for a couple of weeks to help her. My mom fell into a serious depression and she's still depressed. She won't lay off the anti depressant medication that causes her to talk crazy, not to mention she's like a zombie. She has panic attacks to the extreme that she loses feeling in her legs. But she's doing better. I'm trying so hard to stay strong. During the weeks leading up to the funeral I didn't have anyone but Barry. My mom doesn't remember that entire week- she was popping nerve pills like tic-tacs. My overbearing family kept telling me I had to stay strong and not show any emotion- if I cried I got bitched out by my sister (who never comes in) and my alcoholic uncle who is as bigoted as they come. I had to basically make the funeral arrangements myself, help my mom get through legal work, and become the "man of the house". I didn't ask for this. Who would ask for this?

I love my mom but I resent her at the same time. I resent the fact that she uses me. If I don't come at her command she uses threats- we have no money, our car is fucked up, and we have no way to work with the car sitting in the driveway. She talks out of her head. I know this is hurting my husband. It kills me that I am hurting my husband. This is killing me and who I am. We have no life here. And now it's to the point my mom is using me. She won't leave her house. And she acts like she's the only person who lost the love of her life. I lost my dad. And my joke of a sister never comes in to visit unless she needs money. She lives 2 hours away. I've seen my sister twice since my dad passed away back in October.

I want nothing more than to see the day when my husband and I walk out my mom's front door, get in our car, and go back to the life we had. My mom is turning me into a zombie. We can't be loud (sexually and non sexually), we can't leave when we want too because she freaks out. We can't turn the music up or the TV up without it disturbing her. She barks at me to run the errands, fetch the mail, run to the grocery store to get her wine, cash her checks, get her smokes, empty out the trash, clean her house, bring her coffee to bed... it goes on and on. I'm exhausted.

My husband is my life. One of the many reasons I married him. We go through this together. It's not me and you, it's "us" in this "together"... "always".

[BarryAndBryan]

Nobody understands, which my husband left this part out... my father didn't just pass away- he died unexpectedly. I had no time to prepare for my father's loss. The day before he died they were going to release him to come home with my mother. They did studies on him and couldn't find a reason or cause why my father was going into complete organ failure. They couldn't explain to us why they were giving him blood transfusions- 8 pints of blood a day. He finally started to improve in health, his liver and kidneys were functioning normally 3 days before he passed away, and the doctor walked in and told us that my father would be released and able to come back home. We were excited to get my dad back.

We had just started working at a call center- a really great job- our lives were awesome and we were planning on getting a better place to live that was going to be more convenient to our jobs. We were preparing for work when my mom's friend (we didn't have a landline phone and there was no cell phone service where we were living- it was my grandmother's old house) banged on our door and told us to get to the hospital quick that it was bad for my dad.

When I got to the hospital they sat me down and told me my father had died- the day he was going to be released. It's hard for me to talk about it. I love my dad so much. I felt like my father died in a fatal car crash. We had no time to prepare. We didn't even have a chance to tell him our goodbyes. The last thing I told my dad was, "I love you dad. See you tomorrow." His words, and I still hear them- it haunts me- "I love you, too, Bryan. Why are you guys acting like this. I AM NOT DYING." We didn't know he was dying, nor did my dad, nor did the doctors. A week later we found out my dad died due to having multiple myeloma stage 4 blood cancer. The doctors explained that in cases with myeloma that the cancer is extremely hard to discover and usually when they do discover it is when the patient dies. I HATED THE WORLD. I HATED THE DOCTORS. I HATED MYSELF FOR FEELING IGNORANT.

[BarryAndBryan]

Just wanted to let everyone know that Bryan wants to respond to this post...but Where we are new here our posts are being checked by the moderator.. so please check back to hear what he has to say...thanks!!!----Barry

[LJay]

Guys, at the very least you need to establish some time for yourselves and Mom has to know about it and respect it.

When we were babies, our parents made it a habit to have some of their own time, usually in the evening after we were asleep, but sometimes we would go to Grandma's or something. It was important to them to be together and they worked it out.

The second thing you need to do is to help Mom adjust and move on. You might contact the Hospice organization in your area, even if they did not help with your Dad. they know how this works and can help Mom to establish herself. Face it. She has had your Dad around and that is a BIG gap.

The next move is that you have to move out....