Lonely Heart

[lonephoenixx28]

I'm embarrassed to admit how lonely I am, it's baffling to see others happy with their significant others. While I have no one of my own, hell I've only been in one relationship when I was about 18 that lasted until I turned 20 but that relationship was built on a foundation on lies and deception. Now 28, I'm yearning for more but at the same time I feel inadequate; not attractive enough or skinny enough nor smart enough for someone to find me remotely interesting. I'm a lost soul, looking for answers.

[Iceblink]

Are you putting yourself out there, trying to date? And in a variety of settings, not just online and apps? Do you go to bars and clubs? Have you joined teams or organizations? Are you out to people to allow you to possibly meet people through friends or acquaintances? Not one of those things I just mentioned are very successful on their own, which is why you should be doing more than one method to increase your chances. Also you need to put yourself out there and take the risk of getting hurt, because you likely are going to get hurt sometimes, and have to deal with feelings of rejection, and meet some turds, but if you are willing to put yourself through the abuse, it will all be worth it when you finally meet your prince. Too many men and women put up walls to try to protect themselves from the hurt that can come along with dating, but the price of that protection is loneliness.

[Radbot42]

This is how I feel sometimes, and now I might be on the virge of starting a relationship with someone way out of my league.

[lonephoenixx28]

Are you putting yourself out there, trying to date? And in a variety of settings, not just online and apps? Do you go to bars and clubs? Have you joined teams or organizations? Are you out to people to allow you to possibly meet people through friends or acquaintances? Not one of those things I just mentioned are very successful on their own, which is why you should be doing more than one method to increase your chances. Also you need to put yourself out there and take the risk of getting hurt, because you likely are going to get hurt sometimes, and have to deal with feelings of rejection, and meet some turds, but if you are willing to put yourself through the abuse, it will all be worth it when you finally meet your prince. Too many men and women put up walls to try to protect themselves from the hurt that can come along with dating, but the price of that protection is loneliness.

Thanks for your response, you put things in perspective. All the things you've mentioned I kind of gave up on honestly, either I feel out of place or uncomfortable if I try to step out of my comfort zone. And yes, I've put up a wall wrapped in barbed wire with vicious dogs standing guard. I don't know the first thing about starting a conversation with someone let alone keeping it flowing. My communication skills suck do to me not being very social. I've been told I'm predictable or unapproachable. I want to try get out but I get trapped in the whole thought of no one will want me for me, just sex or what they can benefit from me.

[Borg69]

Thanks for your response, you put things in perspective. All the things you've mentioned I kind of gave up on honestly, either I feel out of place or uncomfortable if I try to step out of my comfort zone. And yes, I've put up a wall wrapped in barbed wire with vicious dogs standing guard. I don't know the first thing about starting a conversation with someone let alone keeping it flowing. My communication skills suck do to me not being very social. I've been told I'm predictable or unapproachable. I want to try get out but I get trapped in the whole thought of no one will want me for me, just sex or what they can benefit from me.

This is an unavoidable part of life you have to deal with. You're going to run into these types. Even in Disney Princess movies they have to deal with these types before they find their Prince.

[Watermark]

I don't know the first thing about starting a conversation with someone let alone keeping it flowing. My communication skills suck do to me not being very social.

Don't worry about this too much. You aren't the first shy person in the world and I'm rather sure that there are many shy people out there that are trying to find the right one. Just be brave - you have nothing to loose but everything to gain.

[princealbertofb]

Even the shyest of people will at some point feel the urge to get out there and finally start making a difference, if only to themselves. For some it might mean taking on acting classes, or a singing class or something where they will be expected to perform and if they push themselves hard enough, they'll finally manage to project what's inside (and it'll no doubt be interesting).

Without having to go to those lengths, [MENTION=22655]lonephoenixx28[/MENTION], and without having to come out too much of your comfort zone, I'd suggest you tried to join a group of people who look after other people. This could be people who need visits in hospitals, in jails, old people's homes, orphanages, dealing with the down and out (any social service or church would probably know how to use your skills or where to direct you).

I'd like to think that you wouldn't even need to be talkative or have great social skills. My mother who wasn't lacking in social skills, far from it, used to work in a food bank, and she would tell me these extraordinary things about all the people she met. The variety of helpers, but also the variety of people who needed help, financially and grocery wise, even if it were only a temporary situation. That's where you will start meeting people. OK, it won't be love at first sight (or maybe it will, the future's surprising like that sometimes), but just by being out there helping out, you can focus more and other people's worries and difficulties than your own. At the same time it can make you feel more value in yourself because your energies are set on "healing" others' ailments not your own.
Do you play an instrument? Maybe you could offer to play for people who'd enjoy a bit of music.
Are you good in the kitchen? Maybe you could work in a soup kitchen just as a helper... Are you clever with your hands, clever with computers? I'm sure there's a help organisation that could use your skills.

There are solutions for those who feel lonely, but oftentimes it's just deciding to shift your mindset to being a carer and giver rather than a potential receiver that'll make the difference. Think about it. Good luck, and to GaySpeak.

[Thundanton]

I'm not a shy person at all really, I make new friends all the time, but I still feel almost the same way, that there aren't many kind, decent people out there that just want to start a honest relationship. But I think my views or should I say all of our veiws can tend to be quite biased already to beginning with, especially if you've grown up with parents that are split up and your friends parents that are split up and so many others even in the media with celebrities, doesn't help to the cause. But I still yearn to be in a relationship, so I will keep on fighting for it, just for my own sanities sake.

[MikeW]

As someone who has been socially awkward most his life, let me give all you wallflowers a clue…

THE REASON we feel "afraid" to just chat more or less randomly with the people around us, especially people we find attractive, is we're afraid of rejection. (Yeah, I know, this is a generalization and over-simblification but it's more true than not, right?)

So… WHAT IF it didn't matter? Or, WHAT IF, there was *nothing to be "rejected" for*? What if we just started talking to people we didn't know just to have a conversation in that moment, WITH NO OTHER AGENDA? Think about that. Imagine it not being about sex or relationship or anything else other than just two human beings speaking to one another, more or less just shooting the breeze.

Now, this is not to say that it couldn't go further *if there were some mutual interest*… it could, theoretically. But it imagine it goes "further" along the lines of "interest"… not some agenda. Can you see the difference? Something the other person says interests me so I ask them about it and they start talking and perhaps they find something I've said interesting and they ask me questions about it and so, on we go until we run out of things to say to one another.

You could practice this kind of thing anywhere. Think of it a a way of getting out of your shell (or barbed wire fortress)… This is just an exchange. It could last 10 seconds of 10 minutes or it could go on longer. Just don't make it about something that is NOT happening in the moment.

Easy? For us at the beginning for sure not but, interestingly, it does get easier -- more comfortable -- with practice.