Attraction in the Workplace

[Justme]

So, I've been at my new job for almost 10 months & there's this guy there who I've become attracted to.

For the first couple months everything was normal. We worked together & kept everything work related. We sort of developed this playfulness where we would talk trash to each other in passing. It was dumb, but it seemed to make the day go by faster. Then, one day he came to me & asked if i would rub some icy hot on his back& shoulder, but I told him to have someone else do it. I immediately knew why I denied him: I was attracted to him. I was afraid of my reaction to physically rubbing him down in such a public area. I didn't think it would look appropriate.

In the last few months, he has opened up to me about troubles with his wife (separated). I listen & feel for him. Whenever he talks about me hypothetically being in his situation with a woman, he always corrects himself with "or a man." I never give him any confirmation. Then he told me he's ok with someone who's gay, AS long as they don't bring it on him! Lately, he has been doing things that are confusing me & strengthening my attraction.

He constantly shows me his six pack & loves to break out doing push-ups. He has this thing where he grabs his crotch. Plenty of guys do it. Its a man thing. One day he was doing it excessively. I asked him why does he keep doing that. He asked me why was I looking. I didn't answer. Ever since, every time he talks to me while I'm sitting in front of him, he constanly grabs his crotch. Its so hard NOT TO LOOK! Then, last week he slapped me on the butt with the handle of something he was holding. I was completely shocked. I have no idea why he did that. I didn't know what to say, so i didn't react.

A couple days ago, he was chatting with a female co-worker who dislikes me for no reasons unknown. She's the flirty type when she wants something from a guy. I ignored their conversation & kept at my work. After she walked away, he came over & asked if I was okay. Then he said, "don't be jealous." My verbal reaction was,"of what?!?!" He never responded & we didn't talk to one another for the rest of the day. Funny thing, I was jealous.

Yesterday, he treated me to lunch & everything was fine. But today, we didn't talk at all. I caught him staring at me several times, but in passing he never said anything & neither did I.

I don't know what to do. I know my attraction for him is changing the way I interact around him. My thing is, what is changing the way he interacts with me? I keep going back to the "I'm ok with gay people as long as they don't bring it on me" comment he made. Its possible he's seeing a difference in our friendship on my end & is backing away. Its possible all of things he does is entirely innocent & I'm letting my attraction to him warp my judgement.

I don't know how to go back to the way things were before. I don't want to mix work with play. I don't want there to be any animosity on either of our end. I'm not looking to lose our friendship, but what if there is fall out? I'm not looking at leaving my job over him & I'm sure he feels the same.

So do you guys think I should talk it out with him? How do I get over the attraction I have for him? At this point, it's mostly physical, but if I'm getting jealous cause he's talking to some skank & he's able to notice... there's something emotional developing & i don't want that. I don't know how to handle this.

Any suggestions?

[LJay]

If you don't wnt it to develop into a problem then don't let it. Limit contact. Quit fooling around and joking with him. Grow up and look the other way.

He is lonely and perhaps teasing you because of it. Keep in mind that this is your job. Do you need to make a living more than you need to get off with this guy?

[Iceblink]

What kind of a place are you working? A gym or surf shop? I'm just trying to imagine what kind of work environment is a place where a guy grabs his crotch, people show each other their abs, drop and do push ups, and put icy hot on each other.

Although people often disagree with me, I am one of those people that advises against workplace relationships. In the U.S., some employers have rules against it. In your case, I think it is even more problematic because it seems to involve a lot of drama. The guy is married (separated is still married), there's a woman who doesn't like you that is flirting with him, and he is perhaps not sure or not honest with himself concerning his sexuality . Unless this is a job you do not need, I would be careful, especially since (and this was the reason for my question), unless you are working in a very casual environment, I'd be surprised if the playfulness has gone unnoticed. You do not have to be friends with everyone at work, just pleasant and cordial. Remember the main reason you are there.

[MikeW]

...Any suggestions?

Yeah, as other people are saying, work-place relationships can turn into unwanted drama.

It's true, some straight boys like to flirt with gay guys (whether he *know* or not, he obviously suspects). Exactly why may vary from guy to guy but sometimes it is teasing, sometimes it is because they have their own agenda, sometimes it is because they're repressing their own inclinations… who the hell knows what is up with that.

The thing is, you're in a work environment, right? So… I don't know about Florida but you need to be aware that there are laws against sexual harassment. Is he harassing you sexually? If he's flirting, he could be.

What I'd do is tell him flat out, "Look, dude, I'm gay and I really don't appreciate your flirting with me like this. It is a form of teasing and it is disrespectful. So cut it the fuck out or I'm taking this problem to management."

Also, I'd advise DOCUMENTING what is going on. Write it down, date and time, when he did what. Very important should you truly want to take this further in the 'harassment' direction.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Workplace relationships are a BAD IDEA. This is your JOB. Where you make the money you use to support your life. It isn't a club, a dating site, etc and treating it as such is a good way to end up losing your job.

[ShiftyNJ]

I think you are wise to keep it professional (such as the icy hot decision) ... if he wants to behave inappropriately that is his business but do not engage in anything that someone else (including the woman who seems to have it in for you) could observe and use against you.

As I mentioned in a thread a few weeks ago, there's a guy at my job that I'm like 99% sure I went out with a few times, about 18 years ago. Neither of us has said anything about it, and as much as I would like to know what's going on in his head about it, I'm not bringing it up unless/until he does and/or maybe one of us left the job.

[Darius]

He suspects you are gay and he is being a cocktease. Don't fall for it, especially at work.

The only thing worse than office romances is office romance with drama involving multiple people and that is what you have. Besides, he has a wife. Forget about him, don't even be friends with him. This will bite you in the ass, I guarantee.

[Justme]

What kind of a place are you working? A gym or surf shop? I'm just trying to imagine what kind of work environment is a place where a guy grabs his crotch, people show each other their abs, drop and do push ups, and put icy hot on each other.

I work at a company that designs & creates electrical devices for home & commercial use. Its not how you are probably thinking about it. He doesnt walk around doing this stuff in front of everybody. He only does it in front of me. The department he works in is sort of closed off, so its a lot easier to get away with goofing off back there when no one else is around.

[Bricg1970]

Or he may just want to use you as an experience to see if he is attracted to men, he may be in the big confusion. Also you don't mention why did he separated, you can some fun or a big deception

[Justme]

Thanks for the suggestions. I think its best to just drop the friendship. I deleted his phone number & kept away from him all day today. He asked me if I was ok. I acted like everything was fine & he proceeded to bring up getting a divorce. I told him it sounds like he is still in love with his wife, he's hurt & needs to figure things out on his own. I guess I'll just have to continue to keep my distance as much as possible & hopefully he gets the message. And hopefully my attraction to him will wane.