Second Date Snafu

[OceanOfRoofs]

Hello!
I am still very new to this site but I thought I would pose this to all of you!

I went on a second date with a man a few months ago - and although i truly think he is a charming and intelligent soul - an odd occurrence happened that from time to time I still think of and debate if I was right or wrong in the situation. I understand its difficult to give a full picture, but I will do my best.

We met via a dating site, chatted for a while - then met for a first date. The first date was very short - but a blast! Drinks, chatting - very casual.
Soon after we met for dinner for the second date. We arrived at the restaurant and as we had no reservation the wait was 10-15 minutes for a table. We sit at the bar while we wait, pleasantly chatting and having a nice time. He gets up to use the restroom and meanwhile one of the hosts (a man whom I happen to know as an acquittance) comes by to check on us/asks me how I am/totally basic host banter. We politely chat for a minute and then I (in clear jest) say to the host that we better be seated soon as my date "gets VERY angry when he has to wait - possibly even violent"! The host laughed, made an equally of an absurd remark back to me and then left. The host knew that this was only my second date and understood the only feigned impatience was coming from ME, not my date. Soon after my date returned from the restroom the host also came back and said he got us our table a little sooner - we were thrilled and took our seats.

The evening continued to go swimmingly, appetizers came - banter was turning into highly interesting conversation, etc. The host from earlier passes by and asks if everything was going alright. We express our gratitude and comment on how lovely everything was. The host then makes another joke in similar fashion to our earlier banter. As the host is walking away I clarify to my date what the nature of the joke/banter was - and my date was NOT happy with this!

He claimed that it was highly rude of me to be joking about him behind his back and that he does not appreciate being talked about when he is not present to 'defend himself". I apologized for any hurt feelings but expressed how it was obviously taken as a joke by the host and I certainly meant no offense. However he stated he was "hurt" and that it was incredibly wrong of me. I was incredibly caught off guard and found it difficult to understand his perspective, or at least the degree in which he "put me in my place".

I would be lying if I said my apology was not a bit of a band-aid attempt - for while I truly was sorry for how it affected my date I felt I had done NOTHING wrong by making a (clearly) silly little joke. I know my sense of humor can be a bit dry (if not dark) at times - but as its intention was clearly understood by the host I found my dates reaction to be a tad over dramatic. If the roles were reversed not only would I have not cared, I would have replied to the news with an equally "harmless" joke.

We parted ways not too long after and while we are still on friendly terms, a third date has not occurred. I still think he is (overall) a great guy - but its pretty difficult for me to see myself long-term with someone who is (to my view) that sensitive.

Do you think I am right in feeling his reaction was uncalled for - OR do you think I am being insensitive and wrong for trivializing his issue?

Honest feedback appreciated!

[East]

Hmmm..you would never know this online.... I have a well developed kick ass sense of humor... BUT...I totally 86 it online because I know the reader does not know me or my humor...nor can they see my body language and general vibe...

I am not talented as a writer either so I cannot accurately and effectively use my humor in writing...

So for that reason...I leave it at the door when I come online...

I used to pretty much entertain an entire bar full of people when I had daytime shifts and sometimes...I had 30-40 people laughing so hard they couldn't catch their breath...and other times...EEK...I fucking bombed. The people either didn't get it or hated my sense of humor...maybe a combination of the two....

..and maybe (gasp)..I wasn't really that funny....:eek::biggrin:

..and so...I had to suck it up and go on working after some very awkward and humbling moments....and realize that my humor is not going to be understood and/or appreciated by everyone...and that is OK....

..and here is my advice....

Let it go...it didn't work...it wasn't funny to him...there is no right or wrong here....don't give it another thought...

However...if you continue to date him....you may have to leave the humor at the door. Is he worth it to you?

[Elijoan]

I wouldn't make a fuss about that particular event, but I would see it as a sign of future problems.

He seems way too sensitive. Overly sensitive/defensive people are a big problem for me and I'd avoid having more of that. I also don't think it's something that's likely to change over time. I've been with the same person for 15 years and we still have the same stupid arguments over things that were taken the wrong way. (Fortunately, they're minor issues.)

In his defense, I don't like being the target of jokes or talked about when I'm not there, but this guy seems to have read much more into it.

[Camfer]

I vote for neither of your options.

You weren't being insensitive because you did not know about this boundary he has. Had you known, you could have joked with the host in another manner.

He wasn't over-reacting, but doing his best to express how you pushed a hot button for him.

Each of you was simply being himself. As you each learned something about the other, the date was a success, even if you guys decide not to pursue anything further. You don't need a person in the right and a person in the wrong, or an overly sensitive person and an overly insensitive person. It's all okay for each of you to be who you are.

[Pyromancer]

From my point of view, you did absolutely nothing wrong...I don't do Drama Queens and you were probably much nicer about it than I would have been.

He may be a great guy in every other respect, but unless you want to stifle your sense of humor and spend the bulk of your time apologizing, you may want to give him a pass. Seriously...I can't imagine being long-term with someone and always having to watch what I say.

[phillyboy1234]

I wouldn't make a fuss about that particular event, but I would see it as a sign of future problems.

He seems way too sensitive. Overly sensitive/defensive people are a big problem for me and I'd avoid having more of that. I also don't think it's something that's likely to change over time. I've been with the same person for 15 years and we still have the same stupid arguments over things that were taken the wrong way. (Fortunately, they're minor issues.)

In his defense, I don't like being the target of jokes or talked about when I'm not there, but this guy seems to have read much more into it.

I agree.

Assuming it was truly harmless banter, then this guy seems oversensitive and I would take it as a sign of things to come in the future. He may be a nice guy, but it sounds like he has plenty of drama and that it will come out to whoever he dates.

Granted, if he hasn't asked for a third date, I would take it as a sign. Perhaps he misunderstood everything, but reality is perception, and if based on his perception he has decided not to pursue you then I'd take it as a sign to move on. Sorry bud.

[Borg69]

Dating can be rough... People try SO hard to be "Mr. Right", worrying and obsessing over every little "flaw" they perceive they have, trying to hide them, trying to be perfect, all the while putting unrealistic up on a pedestal expectations on YOU (the date) of what they expect you to be for them in return... and then you throw on all those nuances where people often times DON'T get along, or at least mostly see eye to eye (like humor), it's just screaming for disaster.

You didn't find your prince... and you didn't exactly cause WW III. All in All, call it even and consider yourself lucky. He's clearly probably not the one for you. Get back up in that saddle and try again.

[MikeW]

When we dance we sometimes step on toes, or get our own toes stepped on.

IT IS NO BIG DEAL. However, our minds can make it into a huge fucking deal.

The question is, why would our minds do that? If I want to distance myself from someone -- for whatever reason -- my mind can be looking for *reasons* to do so. Damn it, he steps on my toes every time we dance!

Ok, but LOL, how funny it is that with another guy who steps on my toes, I find it a term of endearment! Ahhh... he's a clumsy oaf. he doesn't *mean* to step on my toes! And off we go dancing on our merry way -- until, perhaps, he steps on my toes one god damned too many times and I say, "Jeebitz fuk n balls man!" and proceed to kick him, hard, in the shin.

The specifics are the "observed events"... look at the underling dynamics. You don't know why this is such a sensitive corn for this dude. "Wow, man, sorry, I had no idea this was such a sensitive issue for you..." should suffice. If I were he I'd let it go. If he didn't, well, thats cuz there is something more there than YOU going on.

[reaper]

Everyone is different. Personally, I would not have taken any offense and would have added to the joke. That being said, I'm pretty easy going and find humor in most things.

It is a little strange that someone would react so strongly on a second date to something so simple, but you don't really know the guy.