Hopelessly Searching for Love?

[MikeW]

Iwe could never determine what might pigs unhappy except being food.

No, no, that never crosses a pig(or, as so many sheeple will inadvertently demonstrate, a sheep)'s mind. It would be the *absence* of slop that would spoil their piggy party, right? In the meantime lets get jiggy!

[Rareboy]

A hamburger is terrible when judged by the qualifications of a steak...but that doesn't mean a hamburger is terrible. Similarly, no, a hook-up isn't an expression of unity and love between two people in love...but that doesn't mean it's a terrible thing. If it doesn't interest you at all, then fine - don't have one. But don't go into one expecting the other. To pull my other analogy back, I've eaten at Denny's...and enjoyed it, because I was EXPECTING Denny's.

Lex

god. now I want a big fat juicy burger.

[MikeW]

...I've eaten at Denny's...and enjoyed it...

EWWWW... Dude, your international



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[Lexington]

god. now I want a big fat juicy burger.

EWWWW... Dude, your international



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Lex

[Camfer]

Welcome new guy! Hang out on this forum for a few weeks and you'll find that another guy in his 20s will post another thread just like yours: "Gee my first 2 relationships didn't work out, so I'm giving up, or should I really give up?" So let me tell you a few things that you'll probably learn later in life, and if you're a quick learner you can pick it up now.

People who give up never get anything in life. Every success in life is preceded by a bunch of failures. It is those who persist through failures who most likely eventually find success.

Mr Right is not found. Mr Right is created by being with someone and working through all the issues that arise with an open heart and mind. You start with someone you find reasonably attractive and compatible, period.

In your 20s you think you know things. You think your experience is totally unique. Later in life you know less, and you know that you're just a guy like a lot of other guys. It becomes a relief to know less. It becomes easier just to be a regular guy who brings his gifts to the world, whether those gifts be large or small.

It's not easy to find someone you find attractive and compatible. Keep looking. I live in a village of less than 500 people. I found my guy on a hookup app and we had a great hookup. Years later I'm still with him and him only. It's not about where or how you find him. It's about how you interact with him and what you create together.

Every relationship you have ideally teaches you some things you can bring to your future relationships. Find the patterns so you don't repeat the same mistakes. Eventually you have enough relationship skills that you can work through issues with your partner. Just because a relationship is done does not mean it was a failure. Take the time to learn what you can from each person you are with.

[meridannight]

god. now I want a big fat juicy burger.

me too! i'm thinking of stopping by at the McDonald's tomorrow and getting a Big Tasty. i haven't had that in months. or maybe i should get the grill out and invite a few friends over....the weather is really nice for it.

[cestmoi77]

Couple of things:
a) hookups - if you want a long term relationship, delete those apps from your phone. Right now. You're not going to find what you're looking for. Whilst I respectfully accept what Camfer says, it is statistically quite unlikely that you'll find what you're looking for there.
b) bear in mind - you're in your 20s. Most people - straight or gay - in their early 20s are, to be honest still working out where they are in life. Use these years to get to know yourself and what you like.

[shamelesslyINTP]

First off let me say how appreciative and surprised I am by the amount of honest and caring responses, I am genuinely grateful!

I know that Grindr is primarily a hookup app, I am not jaded on this, lol. I have many a profile across many a platform; I regularly go to places that I think would attract the people with which I may well connect.

As to my tone being "rigid," I know that my writing style is much more articulate than the demeanor in which I present myself naturally. I have a hard time talking about my emotions and must use exacting language to do so in a manner that satisfies me and also conveys precisely to the reader what I'm thinking.

That aside, I do agree that I have settled in the past, maybe it was quick but three years is a long time in my eyes. I have never gone into a hookup expecting anything other than that, to what I was referring was my own internal disappointment in myself--my inner voice saying: "You know you can do better,"
Sex, to me, is no big deal. Everyone everywhere has sex if they're even a semi-normal human being. I don't regard sex as disgusting or as a basal animal quality; I simply do not value it. At all. If I wanted to get off, I have an entire Tumblr for that!

I know I can be a condescending twat sometimes, this is not lost on me. Its a character flaw I have been making great efforts to rectify, and in comparison to my younger self, I would say that my progress is marked if not outstanding.

MikeW, your questions of whether I am ready for an LTR are quite relevant. After my first relationship, I did indeed have no idea who I was or what I wanted to do in the world, I lost my identity trying to make something work between us when there was nothing left. I would say though that recently I have been making great strides in coming to terms with who I am as a person and being completely and utterly in love with it. These many small and great epiphanic moments are undoubtedly what led to the demise of my last relationship; he wanted me to be his sex toy, to be shown off and used to get sex that he himself could not accomplish due to his...stature, or lack thereof. After rejecting him trying to get me naked and high at parties, he became more and more persistent in trying to get me to "relax" and "have fun," as he so disgustingly put it. I am not comfortable with being in the spotlight and such situations are the quickest way to make me very angry and self-conscious. If I didn't give it up, I was a prude that thought he was better than everyone, if I did, then I was some floozy whore and they would expect me to do it EVERY time I was around. That's just not me.

I know what I want to do in life; I've had my major picked since I was 15 and it hasn't changed a bit since. I am an intellectual first and foremost, I accept all connotations of such a thing, positive and negative. I want to teach at the collegiate level and am currently on track to start a master's and eventually a PhD in Metaphysics.

I am a very sensitive person and the people who know that know it is easy to use my emotions against me to get what they want. Its taken me way too long to realize this and I am trying my hardest to protect myself against such manipulations while also not allowing myself to become some unfeeling and non-empathetic logic machine (or Vulcan for the Star-Trek inclined).

Borg69, this brings me to you, in that yes, I was looking in the entirely wrong places. My exasperation comes from the mere fact that finding these guys is hard as FUCK. My previous thoughts were: "well shit, nobody on MeetMe but over a thousand on Grindr...quantity over quality!" Yeah, stupid idea, I know. Starting a club doesn't sound like such a bad idea but then again I'm so bad with crowds and talking to people that I would have to come up with some way to accomplish this and not lose my mind and clam up and run away to my solitude.

"It's not easy to find someone you find attractive and compatible. Keep looking."
Camfer, this right here is the one problem that I cannot get around. Without being egotistical, I am not ugly. I dress well and swam my whole high school career; I take care of myself. I am far from Adonis but I have kept my game up in the body department. Finding someone who is just as equally attractive as I am and also an intellectual equal AND gay...the statistics seem to be against me at that point. The men locally only see that I LOOK like a good Mormon boy (I so am not) and only want to bang me because they feel like they're taking some purity away from me. They never look deeper and see the world of a billion thoughts and ideas and my mind goes entirely unnoticed. Which makes me intensely sad because I see into them quite well usually and sometimes I'm disappointed by the emptiness and other times I'm pleasantly surprised to see that they're not in fact totally stupid. Rarely though do people enjoy being analyzed in such a fashion, liars hate those people who constantly seek out the truth in everything they do.

So anyway, thank you guys for responding. Even if things don't change with any immediacy, at least I have a sounding board with legitimate responses and ideas that I can mull over.

Oh yeah, and I got that juicy burger, compulsive little shit I am! y'all are great

[MikeW]

So anyway, thank you guys for responding. Even if things don't change with any immediacy, at least I have a sounding board with legitimate responses and ideas that I can mull over.

I'm not worried about you finding a guy to have a good relationship with. I'm sure that will happen in its own good time. I've been in two LTRs (both now deceased) and, if you ask around here, you'll see that most guys who are in them... well... they just sort of "happened". You meet someone -- it could even initially be for a hookup or something -- or something completely different -- and there is some kind of interest or spark. You end up going out, getting to know one another and, little by little, spending more time together. There's lots to be considered. For example, if you're going to be getting a masters in Metaphysics, that's a commitment and rather time consuming. So, whomever you meet at this point in your life would have to 'fit' with that plan, right? So you don't know what this other guy's plans or commitments may be. It becomes something that at some point has to be worked out... how do you and your lives fit together? So part of "being ready for a relationship" is two guys being ready and willing to make space for someone else in their lives. So, it -- meaning the relationship -- becomes a 'new life' so to speak. Does any of this make sense?

To me, relationships have to be "real" ... not some fantasy of "oh wouldn't it be nice to have a boy friend, a lover, a partner..." Well, yeah, sure, it is... but relationships require commitment and work, too. It isn't all roses.

[JohnSomebody]

I have to say that I do agree with a lot that MikeW had mentioned in his response (MikeW...I love the way your mind rationalize things...awesome!!!). However...for me...I became wise at an early age that you should never search for love because nine times out of ten...you will always wind up with a "Loser" or someone who is just interested in a temporary "hook up". I've had four boyfriends in my life which were all basically a substantial amount of years for a solid relationship and because I believe they were all long standing because everyone happened unexpectedly. The thing is with me is that because of my boyfriends all being older than myself..I guess a lot of their ways have rubbed off on me because I am not one who is into hookups. I've done a few ...but at the end of the day...I'm not into them. I like being with someone on a commitment level which is something since I've been single that a lot of guys who have approached me find this to be (cray-cray=crazy) character of me to have. Nonetheless..I am what I am and I am proud to be this way. All this is being said to help you gain some insight and if you are looking for love ...it will happen if you don't go out searching for it....just my opinion...Good Luck..