Advice Appreciated

[Zachary]

Hey,

Kind of joined to post this. Basically some outsider advice, and opinion would be appreciated, plus this is a chance for me to vent to strangers!

Firstly, I've been with my boyfriend for about 18 months now, we're both final year university students and we live together, have done since last July, due to lack of accommodation options. September-December was a pretty turbulent time, followed by another few rough spots. All arguments where caused by both sides - I'm not pointing fingers here. We've got over that. We're contractually obliged to cohabit until mid August, and are looking to continue onwards to that point. Should we not kill each other before then, on that note I should get on with this....

Recently, I feel like I'm on some kind of see-saw of ups and downs and I'm confused as to wether I'm the cause to this or he is, or both of us. We're both very stubborn, however my BF has a very slick tongue and can quite quickly and easily "win" an argument or bamboozle me to the point I don't know what I'm arguing for. To make matters worse his friend (straight) has been living with us for a week now - and could be sleeping on our spare bed for a little while longer so private space is becoming a bit of an issue.

We're currently head butting on various recurring issues:

My BF:
- Thinks I don't smile enough/ look happy enough / grumpy
- Sex isn't frequent enough - he's very vocal about this to friends too.
- Thinks I don't find him sexually attractive
- I'm not a compromiser, with location of my new job etc.

My issues:
- I've never been much of a smiler, and I'm under a lot of stress so my sense of humour is not fantastic right now
- Sex is NEVER frequent enough for him, and fed up of being expected to be receptive 99% of the time. My sex drive is also a lot lower than his, and I'd like to y'know... be the top every once in a while.
- I do find him sexually attractive however his insecurities are starting to grind on me
- There's not a great deal of compromise that can be made... I can't request HQ is moved!

My main feeling right now though, and I've said this to him, is that I don't feel "good enough" as in his constant criticisms (no matter how minor) a wearing me down to the point I don't feel like I can be jokey, or funny, or sexy. Even mundane tasks like making a sandwich require him to remind me to "do it good" which, may to him be harmless (we've talked about this too) but to me it's like a little reminder that the last time wasn't quite good enough.... or the first time I didn't wasn't up to standard therefor I must be reminded how to do it every bleeding' time.

Our sex life has been on-off. Receptive sex for me, for some time, has been quite physically draining. To make matters worse, he passed on a STI to me, diagnosed in Feb, which made sex impossible for some time (still badgered me for it though!) and made me loose total bedroom confidence, something I've only just got back. His vocalness was an issue in the past, and when our new found lodger declared jokingly that anyone has more of a sex life than we do it hit a nerve, something my BF can't (or) won't accept as his fault just the truth and/or harmless fun. I did however finally get him to see oral sex as a form of sex *win* !

His constant moans about how he's not sexy because he's put on weight are also starting to irritate me. I go to the gym, and keep in good shape (not bragging) mainly for his benefit and have not once complained about his looks, as I love his personality not just his body, but he can be quite accusative of me - quizzing if I'd rather have sex with a muscular passer by or accusing me of having sex with every which guy I encounter or am friends with (I have a large social group, mainly of girls and gay men - totally by accident too!). Although I can understand why he may feel a bit on edge and "not sexy" I try really hard to re-assure him I love him and find him good looking. Accusations of infidelity however do hurt, no matter how jokey, as he's in the past downloaded Grindr twice that I know of and twisted the blame around on me. I forgave him, perhaps too soon. Since feb, his confidence seems to have been fine however the ugly head of "YOU DON'T LOVE ME AND WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH EVERY MAN ON THE PLANET BUT ME" has returned with a vengeance.

To sum this massive rant up, if you've not got bored and wandered off yet. I feel, a bit cornered. I do love him, we've been through hell and back together and I understand we're both under pressure. When we are good, we are amazing but when we are bad.... and right now I feel stuck in the bad. I feel like I'm never going to be quite good enough, I'm always going to be reminded to "be better, do this better" etc. Sex is never going to be frequent enough, or I'm never going to be "receptive" enough, (sometimes I wonder if it's worth giving him it 4x a day until he gets bored of it!) and I'm generally beginning to wonder if we're going to destroy each other.

So, here I am, in the dog house because of 5 days without being fucked, not smiling and being a bit of a grumpy dick (I confess to all three yes) - wondering what the hell I do.... because currently this is all being pinned on me being at fault and I don't know how to explain the above to him without him seeing it as an attack on himself or our relationship. And I know this is selfish and something I can't hold against him since I've forgiven him for it, but I can't help but wonder if Grindr will reappear (if it does, he dead!).

So yes, I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself, any experience or opinions would be appreciated

[Pyromancer]

You mentioned his insecurity several times, and I'm wondering if that's what all of this is about. Along the lines of diminishing you to make himself look/feel better. Like maybe if he continually points out your inadequacy, you'll start to believe it and realize how lucky you are to have him and you'd better not think of leaving cuz shit, who the hell else would want you? IDK, this is all just my first impression from reading through your post.

You mentioned something about the location of your new job --- is that something that could potentially separate you two? I'm just wondering if there's something in his head that's spurring on his behavior.

As for advice...I don't know him so I don't know what would work. Do you think you could have an honest discussion with him, or are his defenses too solidly in place? I mean, tell him that you love him but that he's wearing you out with the constant put downs and criticism?

I guess the actual question to ask yourself is, do you really way-down-deep want to stay with him? And you need to think long and hard before you answer that question for yourself...

[East]

I think it will get a lot worse before it ever gets better...IF it ever gets better.

He is projecting his own inner feelings about himself on to you....and in my experience...if he doesn't stop it...it will become the monster for you that it truly is and he won't be able to stop....

I have to stop giving advice at this point because I think leaving is the best option.

Have you ever seen Little Shop of Horrors? People that are that insecure can be like Stanley..the people eating plant...FEED ME...FEED ME....FEED ME.....

The ideal situation would be for him to own his behavior instead of putting it on you...and come to you with the problem that it is and ask for your help and support and love while he works it out...but that is a page out of the ideal world handbook...

Since this isn't an ideal world...you could always try shocking it out of him by telling him that you really do love him best and except for the entire football team you fucked last night..he is your favorite.

[Zachary]

[MENTION=22470]Pyromancer[/MENTION] - I need to think long on hard on that one. I don't like to call it quits and give in on something especially after such a long time together.... but then I guess the question is are we going to get better together, or destroy each other. Starting to sound like a Taylor Swift/Rhianna record.

As with the job, we'd both be theoretically working 40 mins apart from one another, so it's something that could work out. We've had quarrels about this in the past when I've attended/been offered jobs in different locations. I decided to pick this job regardless of it's location as it's bloody good and a hard company to get into. I couldn't let anyone stop me getting it... the location of it, should, hopefully just be convenient.
[MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION] - Oh my god haha, if I said that I don't know how he'd react lmao!

I approached him with the subject today. I spent most of yesterday in a pissy mood (if my above post doesn't signal that) and kept out of the way of him, and our lodger (his friend). He went out last night, and the first thing his hungover self said to me this morning as I headed out for the gym is that I forgot to refill the Brita filter. $£&^@£!!. , then as I was cleaning I clinked two bottles together (I like the noise!) while dismissing claims that was in a pissy mood and was shouted at for "smashing things together while in a mood" ... so after marching around the house in a mood I came back to him and, politely asked, if he'd stop being so critical of me as I'm stressed to the max with university and work and can't take it. Or make a joke of it right now. To which I got a defensive reply, that I was always trying to make him look like the bad guy etc. etc. and that I either stop being pissy or let him help me... which has baffled me as I came out to him and asked if he'd lay it off and help keep me calm.

Meh! Men!

So yes, I think... I need to think long and hard. I love him, I do... but he's worn me down now to the point that I'm anxious about the way I do things now... like why can't I go to the gym without being accused of fucking every man in it? I never, despite his history, question his actions when he goes for a night out. So yes. I need to... think. I can't commit to this relationship in it's current form, and my new job come September. That's far too much stress.

[JohnSomebody]

I have this tendency of having alone time for myself or I get really quiet and is deep in my own thoughts out of the blue so to speak. My very first boyfriend had an issue with this behavior of mine and would always question me as to what is wrong with me? or why am I so quiet? I had to explain to him so many times that nothing was wrong in our relationship...everything is fine ...and a lot of times when I'm quiet ...I am at peace with him and myself. I just like having quiet moments to myself. Throughout our relationship...he never got to understand fully this behavior of mine and always made a huge issue out of it that eventually I started to think that possibly something was wrong with me that I was not aware of. Although...you have to remember that I was really young when I was with him and he was about 17 or 18 years older than me....therefore although he was very attractive...a lot of times he suffered from a lot of insecurities that you would not believe due to the fact that people just look at attractive people and believe that in their lives everything is just perfect.

I love music and would always go into a room by myself and just get lost in the artists' voice, the music, the production, etc. He always interrupted me doing this which I found interesting because he was also a musician. OK...so unfortunately...his behavior had escalated to the worst even to the point of when I was employed (when we first got together...he did not want me working at all) with a very well known global company and my world opened up in a very good way career wise. This did not settle well with him and a lot of times he would make me strip naked when I got home to see if there were any indications that I made have had office sex or got a blowjob....yes...I was a young one who was very vulnerable at the time...I could say a lot more about this..but I will keep the rest to myself...anyway...like one of the other guys had mentioned in their response to you...maybe it would be beneficial for you and him to go somewhere alone and you both can speak your issues with each other privately with the opening option being stipulated where you each listen to each other equally and then after the last one finish speaking...you each give your advice on how to resolve or make the situation better for the both of you but always make sure that you speak of how much you love each other within speaking out to each other. Also...get rid of the "extra roommate". ...having extra company during turbulent times within a relationship does not help matters at all either. Good luck...wishing you the best. JS

[MikeW]

...So yes, I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself, any experience or opinions would be appreciated

Welcome to the forum, Zachary!

Other people are saying he is projecting his insecurities onto you... which may very well be the case.

But here's the thing: IT TAKES TWO TO TANGLE. Whatever mess our relationship is in, it is because we're both putting something into the pot, making it a "not so merry-go-round".. . the "go-round" being the RECURRING issues.

Here's the thing (EVERYONE, HEADS UP!): PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE. People think if they just SAY this or SAY that or type this or that, that they are communicating. SO NOT!

Communication is a two-way street. It requires both speaking AND listening, and of the two it is the LISTENING that is the most important. It also requires honesty and no small degree of self-awareness, what I call "knowing your truth." If you know what is true for you you're better able to speak that truth. But your truth has to be *heard* by the other person (and you have to hear THEIR truth) in order for COMMUNICATION to be happening.

Put differently: If either of you are not speaking you truth and/or if either you are not hearing the other's truth, you are NOT communicating.

Learning to communicate takes time and a willingness to do so. No relationship can get beyond the knots you guys have yourselves tied up in without it. The first question is, do you BOTH want to TRY (no guarantees) and salvage this relationship? If there isn't a willingness, then there is no hope. If there is, then that willingness has to translate into ACTION... which means a) learning HOW to communicate (speak truth, hear truth) and b) make other agreed upon changes in the way you relate to one another.

So, that's the first question: Do you both *want* to relate better and are you willing to do the work necessary for that to happen?

[Zachary]

I have this tendency of having alone time for myself or I get really quiet and is deep in my own thoughts out of the blue so to speak

I'm exactly the same, some days I'm an extrovert and I'm chatty and happy... other days I just want to be alone. Figure out what's bugging, keep my self to my self. We've had the same issue, and I've had in a previous relationship with an older guy (5 years my senior) where when I'm quiet it's assumed I'm unhappy, when actually I'm just giving myself some space. If I can't physically have space and distance from a situation, or person, then I go quiet.

So, that's the first question: Do you both *want* to relate better and are you willing to do the work necessary for that to happen?

Thanks for the welcome!

In terms of communication, I get that. Not a new issue, we both know that we've had issues and have issues with it - and we've both worked to tackle that. My BF doesn't like to leave anything unsaid he'd rather deal with issues at hand then hide them - I'm the same way inclined however I know that sometimes there's appropriate and inappropriate times to bring things up. My BF knows this and we've spoke on it, and tried to work through it but we're still dealing with this critique demon. I will let things slide, a few times, and if it really pisses me off and it's happened on loop I'll bring it up. My BF likes to make sure I know, every time I get something wrong. Kind of like dating Sheldon Cooper haha (he has OCD too). We spoke again last night and I tried to tell him why it's upsetting to be critiqued all the time but he insisted he doesn't critique me that often and if he didn't I'd not learn. Anyway we kissed and made up for now.

As for your question, yes - I'm willing to do the work for it to happen, we'v had 3 big bust ups and worked through them, however if things in the next few months slide down hill, or we go back to that big argument stage we've both agreed that space and time apart is needed to evaluate things.

[Rareboy]

Hey Zachary.

I don't know why you say he is your BF. You make it clear that you are more or less contractually obligated to live together. Can you just move out and let him keep the flat with his straight friend?

It sounds like you'd both be better off with someone else...or on your own. Seriously. You're both just wasting time working toward the inevitable end of your relationship. Why not just make a cleaner break before one of you really damages the other in a race to hurt the other?

[Eth21]

Welcome to the forum!
Yeah I'm also very much the same in that I tend to become very quiet when I have something on my mind and quite often go for very long drives by myself..
From what I've heard from my friends at uni it's a super stressful time with all the exams etc so it's a shame your also going through this as well... I'm no good with advice really but would suggest that you do really need to think long and hard about your relationship.. Is he have exams etc as well that he may be stressed about? Once uni is over could things potentially get better? Last year of uni is hard but maybe things can get better when it's over. Hope despite all this you can focus on the final bit of uni and best of luck!!

[Zachary]

I don't know why you say he is your BF. You make it clear that you are more or less contractually obligated to live together. Can you just move out and let him keep the flat with his straight friend?

It sounds like you'd both be better off with someone else...or on your own. Seriously. You're both just wasting time working toward the inevitable end of your relationship. Why not just make a cleaner break before one of you really damages the other in a race to hurt the other?

Hey Rareboy - He's my boyfriend because I do still love him, and he still (I hope haha) loves me. Would it be different if we didn't live together... I don't know. I wouldn't say we're heading toward an inevitable end - not this early anyway. As for the flat, we're both in a contract to live here and it's a one bedroom apartment (with a cool fold out of the wall bed in the lounge) so there's no way out of here... nor would I want to move home at this point in my uni degree. It's not a cheap place to live in by yourself so if one of us went someone's going to be paying double rent. I'm in no way in a race to hurt him though, and I don't think he'd do that to me - things would have to turn ugly, real ugly for that to happen - and if that day ever comes then I'll pull the cord on the thing before anyone can get hurt.

Yeah I'm also very much the same in that I tend to become very quiet when I have something on my mind and quite often go for very long drives by myself..
From what I've heard from my friends at uni it's a super stressful time with all the exams etc so it's a shame your also going through this as well... I'm no good with advice really but would suggest that you do really need to think long and hard about your relationship.. Is he have exams etc as well that he may be stressed about? Once uni is over could things potentially get better? Last year of uni is hard but maybe things can get better when it's over. Hope despite all this you can focus on the final bit of uni and best of luck!!

Hey Eth21 thanks - he also has a lot on his plate, does a medicine based degree so lots of placement hours etc. before he qualifies.

Forgetting about the relationship - this is the toughest time for both of us academically. We have job offers, now we need to forfil the grades to get them. I think, time is needed, I'm not a rational decision maker and I'm not ready to call it quits just yet. I think the stress of a break up would be too much to handle right now and I'm not ready to surrender just yet.

Thanks for all of the feedback guys it's nice to not rant at my friends for once haha, I'm sure they're sick of me!