Had sex with my best friend and scared I spoiled everything

[David838]

Hello guys! I probably won’t be here for a long time and usually I’m used to solve my problems on my own, even now I’m still not sure whether I should tell strangers what’s happening to me. However this is something that’s hard for me to keep to myself. I don’t have that much gay men around me and I cannot tell this problem to just anyone so I joined this forum.
I had sex with my best friend and now I’m afraid I’ll lose him. We’re both close to our thirties and we know each other for many years. We were like brothers, going everywhere together, doing everything together. He’s straight but when I came out to him he supported me like no one ever has. I moved to a new apartment and my friends and me, we were having a small party because of it. Of course, with booze and everything. When everybody left, my friend stayed. We drank a bit more and then we started to make out. I don’t remember who made the first move, we were both drunk but still we realized what we were doing. I remember the most of it, probably not everything because we had too many drinks that night but honestly it was wonderful. I liked it a lot and I think he did too, at least during the night he kept telling me all the time how good I was and how good he felt with me. The next morning we were both quite confused because of both hangover and what happened. One moment I thought that as I’m gay, he was going to say I took advantage of him but luckily he didn’t. He was like „we’re both guilty, we were drunk, let’s just pretend that thing never happened”. I agreed, what else could I do. It seemed that he remembers less than I do.

However things are completely different now. More than a month is past and we haven’t even had a normal, friendly chat. We could talk our hearts out before. Now it’s just some short, laconic phrases like „hi” and „bye” and his answers when I ask him something. Before we used to have lunch together, lunch breaks are approximately at the same time in our jobs and we always went somewhere to have a meal. Now there’s nothing but a bunch of excuses – he’s not hungry, he’s busy, he has a lot of work and similar, something different every day. He doesn’t want to go out with me anymore. At weekends we used to go somewhere to relax and have fun, now it’s the same thing I mentioned before – excuses, excuses, millions of excuses. Just the day before that party he complained me how boring his job is and how much he’d like to quit it and now all of sudden he has so many things to do. I also know he’s lying about being all busy, because when a friend of ours was inviting all of us to her place, first he agreed to come but when he found out I’m going to be there too, he changed his mind. Sometimes he doesn’t even answer my calls and says he didn’t hear his phone ringing. Well, considering the loudness of his ringtone, he must be deaf to not hear it.

He says everything is ok but I feel that I’m losing him. If everything is ok like he says then why is he avoiding me all the time? I asked this question to him too, he says I’m imagining things. But I can see very well that everything is completely different from what it was before. It’s as if he was replaced by some other person, like this person is not my friend because my friend wouldn’t act like that. We know each other since we were children, he’s very important to me and I cannot imagine not having him in my life. It’s hard to believe that this one night has spoiled all the friendship we had. And I don’t know, maybe he has really managed to forget what we shared but I haven’t. Every day, memories of his body come back to me, I can’t help it. Even though we were drunk it was still beautiful and I don’t want to forget it. I know he’ll never respond to me romantically as he’s straight but I don’t want to erase the moments with him from my mind.
If he wanted to talk about it, I’d be open, I'm ready to help him with everything but he always says „dude, forget it, it never happened, I don’t want to talk about it”. I even thought that maybe he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore, he said „ no, we’re still friends, everything is fine”. He says it was a stupid mistake and that I’m making problems out of nothing but I can literally see our friendship crumbling. He distances himself from me more and more everyday and I’m afraid that one day he’ll be gone forever. I don’t have any clues how to restore our friendship if he insists that nothing is wrong. I know he probably feels ashamed, maybe disgusted that he went to bed with another man. If everything really was ok, if we still had normal relationships, probably I would do like he says – pretend it never happened but everything gets worse and worse.

[LJay]

Ask him to come by and sit down over a cup of tea and talk this out. There is no reason either one of you should lose a friend over it.

[Darius]

I think he is ashamed and the only way he can deal with it is to avoid you. I don't think he is ready to talk, either. You can't force him to talk and he doesn't want you to keep bringing it up. The truth is, you love him as more than a friend. He's afraid.
Give him some time and space. I bet he already misses your friendship. Continuing to bug him might only make matters worse. Just cool it for awhile.

Sorry you are having to go through this, David. Hang in there.

[MikeW]

...He says everything is ok but I feel that I’m losing him. If everything is ok like he says then why is he avoiding me all the time? I asked this question to him too, he says I’m imagining things. ...

Well weird things can happen when straight men have sex with gay men, especially if they are good friends to begin with and especially if alcohol or other drugs are involved. It can be a lot for them to process, especially if they're in denial or not wanting to process it. I suspect he is avoiding you to some extent and is in denial about that -- and may be in denial about a lot of things. Hard to say without knowing you and him very well. One thing we do know is that a "horny" brain is tripping on dopamine, where a brain post-orgasm very quickly goes back to serotonin baseline.

My suggestion is you cut the guy some slack. I don't know if you're pestering him but it sounds like you could be out of your fear of loosing him as a friend. Being fearful and needy could backfire on you. Just let him know you'd really like things to go back to the way they were before and whenever he's ready to hang out again, to give you a call... and then see what happens. Don't text or call or bother him. See if he comes around. If he doesn't... well... there really isn't much you can do about it. You can't very well force someone to be your friend or to behave in a way you want.

Good luck!

[David838]

I wouldn't say I'm pestering him, I just try to do the same things we did before it happened. Then he didn't see it as pestering, I guess.

I know we should't have done it and it hurts when I think about all the years that we know each other and I'll never forgive myself if I lose a lifelong friend because of sex.

[Radbot42]

Just leave him alone for a little while. Let him come to you. If a few weeks to a month come by and he hasn't reached out then try again. It will be hard but you don't have many options

[meridannight]

maybe you just need to back off for a while. stop asking him if things are alright, stop seeking out his company, stop calling him, stop everything. he obviously needs some distance and space. you're not gonna force him to get over it and go back to how things were. he has to do it. since he's not doing it through initiation on your side, you need to stop.

i know it's difficult. but there really is not that much you can do here. forcing him to talk about it, or acknowledge it when he's not ready is not gonna work.

i don't know why some guys have such a difficult time with this. i also think that it is a beautiful experience shared between two friends, and there's no reason why friends can't do that and still remain friends. but some guys don't share this view. and then there's the whole implications of homosexuality and the deeper meaning behind being with another man, the society's and third person points-of-view....some guys just can't figure it out in their head, it's like they get scrambled. you can push them to deal with the subject, it is an option, but at this point it is as likely to backfire on you as it is to push them past some point where truth becomes visible to them.

so, i would back off. let him try to figure things out on his own. of course, if in a few weeks he still hasn't come around, then you should confront him directly and confront him about everything. because by then it is either win all or lose all.


good luck.

[lorenzoandpedro]

This already happen to one of us (pedro) some years ago. What we can tell you is that there's nothing more important than a good friendship in these days.

So maybe you should just give it more time now, don't force anything at this moment. Its all still very "fresh". Try to don't say anything and wait for him to tell you something, he will get back to you.
You didn't make anything wrong, you were both too much drunk and it just happened, he knows that.

Relax, wait some more days. During that time, don't forget to smile.

Life is good and moments like this happen, youre both grown up friends, so things will be back to normal one of this days. Be positive!

love from Portugal

[Yelly]

This is a *really hard thing to figure out thing* especially to a *straight* guy having sex w/ his *gay best-man-friend*, accidentally. It's what I always noticed to them STRAIGHTS. Ur bestfriend's maybe just not on it at the moment but he's struggling more than u flashbacking it for sure that's why he don't want you to open it with him in every approach. Just chill for a moment until everything's cool to the both of you.

Stop worrying.
Go outside your house, point ur head to the clouds, close ur eyes and say Your friendship will gonna go back to the way it was.

*hugs*

[erectrician4u]

if your friend is straight or you say he is maybe he doesnt understand his feelings maybe hes scared of being gay or bi when i first realized that i was interested in boys started at a young age i guess 15 i always had girlfriends and would seek out people that my so called friends would never know or places that they would never go seeking what i so desperately wanted its35 40 years later now and i look back and im still closeted except to my gf and my bf and to come out to every one i still am scared especially my family what will they think how will they treat me will they still accept me its was hard to come out to the people that i came out to but i said to myself you know if they dont accept me ill find others you cant do that with family you said you were like brothers maybe you can get him at a mutual friends house that knows about you and him and sit with him and ask him all the questions that you had asked the forum its difficult sometimes to face your own reality i think if it were me and i was straight i would have these feelings of what did i do i need to stay away from him i dont want to be gay but you know what being gay straight or even bisexual is not a choice and if you look at the animal kingdom there are some male species that try to mate with other males of that species i hope this helps you to maybe understand and is hopefully helpful