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East Wrote:I have a hard time understanding why you were friends with him in the first place. I wouldn't be able to get past him talking about other gay people the way he does. I'm not disagreeing with you, East, or [MENTION=17788]Beau[/MENTION]. You're right, the OP did lie to his friend -- as he has lied to everyone who knows him, apparently -- and his friend's reaction is understandable in that light. However, I strongly suspect that our Anonymous OP is not from the US or Europe, but most likely a country where being out is far less culturally acceptable. (I gathered that from the inverted " mark in the post.) We all have our opinions about how OUT we should be but all of us know there are also circumstances that make that difficult if not dangerous.
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delete.... double post.
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MikeW Wrote:I'm not disagreeing with you, East, or [MENTION=17788]Beau[/MENTION]. You're right, the OP did lie to his friend -- as he has lied to everyone who knows him, apparently -- and his friend's reaction is understandable in that light. However, I strongly suspect that our Anonymous OP is not from the US or Europe, but most likely a country where being out is far less culturally acceptable. (I gathered that from the inverted " mark in the post.) We all have our opinions about how OUT we should be but all of us know there are also circumstances that make that difficult if not dangerous.
Good catch Mike! I had never even considered that. If you are right and the OP is from a country that is not at all tolerant...or even dangerous...I would change my post considerably.
In North or South America...or Europe... in general...I would not change.
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Sorry you lost your friend. I hope you told him he's a bigot. You don't need to apologize for who you are and you don't need to take his verbal abuse. Often times people who hate gays the most are really acting out their hatred of their own attractions.
So now, make your life better off without him. It's up to you to turn this negative situation into something positive for you. What are you going to do?
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its never easy losing a friend even if that friendship was based on non truths had he known you were gay 28 years ago you two would have never been friends but and a big but i spent my whole highschool years being a straight person which is probably why im a bisexual now but when i realized that i was different i cut all ties with the homophobic friends that i once had to this day they have no idea about my lifestyle or why i just quit hanging with them unfortunately this world is full of hate you have all kinds of hate groups out there kkk white power just the two i can think of right now but the point is if you would have been truthful from the get go you wouldnt have had to see this side of that idiot which is the best word to describe him its not your fault that he has these views and you better not be blaming yourself if you ask me youve proven yourself as a loyal friend and the previous 27 years should have been enough to prove that move on dude no matter how hard it is and let him come to you and dont be so forgiving when and if he does
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instead of drawing this connection:
''my friend is a normal male. then i find out he's gay. ergo, gay men are normal males'';
he drew it backwards:
''i think being gay is disgusting and gay men are not normal. then i find out my friend is gay. ergo he is disgusting and abnormal''.
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he is placing abstract principles above the reality of the situation.
people like that exist. i don't understand it, i have never understood it. and i don't really know that there's anything that can be done when dealing with someone like that. i am the complete opposite. i have my distastes and dislikes as well. but i've always been able to see the person for who they are, past my own distaste. sure, i don't have many deal breakers in the first place, but when i interact with a person and like that person, and they then tell me ''oh by the way, i am also x'' (x being something i have a strong dislike for), my opinion of the person remains unchanged. i don't go ''okay, you're x. ergo, i dislike you now. goodbye''.
the person i like doesn't change after i find out he has something to do with a thing i dislike/hate. i wouldn't understand him in that respect, but i'd still see him as the same person. but, again, i've never in my life placed principles above real life. i essentially have no principles at all. so, there's a fundamental divide between myself and people who are like that. i don't understand how a principle/thought concept could be more important than what i experience in life for real, in my body and mind, in first person (in contrast with through sources other than myself, third person perspective, etc). it seems so obviously silly to me to prioritize principles over the real first-person experience.
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i think your ''friend'' has a wrong way of looking at this world and things, people. in the end, what matters most is that first person experience, the things we feel for real. that is paramount. it takes precedence over opinions and viewpoints/heritage that comes down to us through other people, our family, friends, society in general. but unfortunately, i don't have a way of changing his mind.
''Do I look civilized to you?''
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I've never thought that not telling about your sexuality counts as lying to everyone. Homosexuality is acceptable in my country but I never wanted to come out. Why shoyld I? Except for him no one else will find out about this, at least not from me.
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Anonymous Wrote:I've never thought that not telling about your sexuality counts as lying to everyone. Homosexuality is acceptable in my country but I never wanted to come out. Why shoyld I? Except for him no one else will find out about this, at least not from me.
A Jewish person could easily make friends with a Nazi if he doesn't mention he is Jewish.,.and stays silent when his "friend" talks about Jews.
The question for me would be why would he want to be friends with a Nazi?
Every choice you make in life has consequences....and what you have made is a definite choice. I am not going to tell you how to live your life...but in this circumstance it is hard for me to feel sorry that you lost a "friend" who thinks gay people should die...or respect your choice .
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I cant quite believe people are being so judgemental about someone being in the closet.
Weve all been there, and if YOU havent, well bully for you. How wonderful.
Oddly enough some people, regardless of country, still feel uncomfortable about coming out. You may want to be out loud and proud, others may find it hard. Shock fuckin horror.
Have we really forgotten what it used to be liked? This guy is living HIS frame of reference, not yours. And accusing him of lying isnt going to help.
diplomatic wording.
To the OP: mate, the trouble with not being true to yourself is that it has lead you into situations and relationships that arent wholly true, to you or your friend. You may have shared a wonderful lot together. But sexuality is pretty fundamental to who you are. Your going yo have gay relations at some point, right? how secret can you really keep that?
It really must hurt, what youre going through. Let your feelings flow. Release them, cry, shout. Reminisce. Then draw a line and move on.
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yousir Wrote:I cant quite believe people are being so judgemental about someone being in the closet.
Weve all been there, and if YOU havent, well bully for you. How wonderful.
Oddly enough some people, regardless of country, still feel uncomfortable about coming out. You may want to be out loud and proud, others may find it hard. Shock fuckin horror.
Have we really forgotten what it used to be liked? This guy is living HIS frame of reference, not yours. And accusing him of lying isnt going to help.
diplomatic wording.
To the OP: mate, the trouble with not being true to yourself is that it has lead you into situations and relationships that arent wholly true, to you or your friend. You may have shared a wonderful lot together. But sexuality is pretty fundamental to who you are. Your going yo have gay relations at some point, right? how secret can you really keep that?
IF you are friends with an avowed racist and stay silent...yeah...I am going to judge you. If you are friends with an avowed homophobe that thinks gay people should die..and you stay silent...yeah...I am going to judge you.
Good news for him..and you...it doesn't really matter what I think.
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I lost a friend - vent
