Confused

[estudantet]

Hi.

I am 22yo, I had only been with one guy, 2 years ago. First person I had ever kissed at age 20 ( which feels kinda pathetic to me). That until yesterday, when I met a guy for the first time in my city which was kind of a big step for me.

We are just friends, and talked about fooling around a little bit and it happened yesterday.

You should know I'm really shy and insecure, specially about my body and looks. I tend to feel guilt about sex and I feel like my sexual self is a different person than my "normal self". No one knows I'm gay.

The things is, there are certain things that still are a bit uncomfortable to me and I'm not sure if there's something wrong with me or if really I just don't like those things. And the only way to explain is to get a little graphic so.. here goes...

I still feel a bit uncomfortable about being touched, specially on my cock.. and that includes blowjobs. I guess I do get quite tense, maybe out of nervousness... bt it's like it goes numb cause I don't feel what the person is doing to me.. that hapepend with both guys I've been with. And yesterday he masturbated me pretty hard, harder than I do when I masturbate, and I could feel his hand knocking on my crotch but didn't feel it on my cock. I also have a hard time getting fully hard when I'm with someone else.

Similar thing happened when he played with my nipples... that is a very sensitive area, still again, I felt like my sensitivity was really low. Also a little bit of this same feeling when he kissed my stomach.

Opposed to that, I feel a good amount of sensitivity on my face, like kissing, on my back and on my butt.

Has anyone ever felt anything like this? I want to like those things and I want to be able to enjoy someone elses touch fully. And I don't know if I get that because of nerves or if it's just who I am... maybe I'm 100% bottom cause I'm not completely sure about that. And again I have very limited experiences. Any thoughts on this?

I'm sorry if the post is confusing... I did my best.

[kjames]

Sounds like your stuck. What were your sexual experiences with your first boyfriend? If you were a virgin and the first one to bottom it may explain your pattern. If you want to experience more then you will have to keep practicing at it.

[Darius]

As far as your cock is concerned, it might not be that you can't feel what he is doing as much as it is that your cock is used to only your hand. Your cock recognized your touch and techniques. The other guy was rough and unfamiliar to your little guy.

I also wonder if your problems are related to not knowing this guy well enough. You might need to know and care more about him before intimacy feels right to you.

[estudantet]

I really really liked the first guy I was with, we were confidents, I loved him actually, and I had the same problem.

And the second guy was not too rough, and that's the thing.... even though he was kinda rough, I couldnt feel the stroke. Same think when I got blown... I do think it might be nervousness... too much adrenaline.

I was hoping to find someone who has felt similarly... It freaks me out at times, makes me feel like there's something wrong with me.

Just for the record, both guys are really nice, respecful and tender.

[Camfer]

It sounds like you're still getting comfortable with being sexual. This is normal. When your attention is more in your body and less in your head, it will be different.

Right now your mind is so busy dealing with all the thoughts and emotions around sex and gay sex in particular, the body sensations are drowned out. I went through that in my early teens when I first became sexual. When I was less nervous and more confident, everything was fine.

So relax. It's okay. As you gain experience and confidence, it will be much better. Keep trying and you will get it right!

[meridannight]

too little information. you need to have more sex before an expert analysis can be offered.

but if you are certain you are more sensitive when you're doing it to yourself then it's not a physical problem, rather psychological.

[LJay]

This is one of those places where you have to learn about yourself and learn to be yourself. Everyone is different in the ways they respond. Take your time. There is no way to do it wrong.

[estudantet]

I don't know why sex is so complicated to me. Even now, for some reason it all feels like a dream, like it didn't happen... it's like the memory of it is fading already you know... and it's been 3 days only. A

And I guess part of me believed when I finally did something sexual it would be an amazing moment. Maybe it's my inability to surrender to the moment.. I don't know.... and I don't get to do it a lot, and I don't believe I will ever have much experience so I don't know... Like I said, I'm confused and I don't want to be a bad partner.

[MikeW]

I don't know why sex is so complicated to me. Even now, for some reason it all feels like a dream, like it didn't happen...

There are so many variables, it would be difficult even for someone who knew you very very well to say what's going on and what you could do about it.

My observation (in general) is that a lot of gay men (especially young or experienced ones) are *afraid* to let themselves FEEL their intense erotic passion with another man. It's "fine" when they're jerking off to porn or some fantasy. In that case they're in total control of what happens, how it happens, what it feels like. They do it alone, in private, probably in secret, hiding. BUT, as soon as they're with another guy they're no longer in *total* control as they were jerking off to a fantasy. Now they're engaged in a reality that very likely feels, tastes and smells differently than they imagined. Now there is someone else there, someone who has his own way of doing things, what works for him and what doesn't, someone who is seeing them naked, someone who is observing their most intimate and secret details. So this "reality" can be experienced as stressful and, so, some men "split off" from their sensations and hotness, and begin to "observe" as if from a distance where it feels "more safe".

So, I don't know if this is what you're experiencing, exactly. If it is, the question is, do you understand that it is not only OK but a *good thing* to let yourself feel sexual desire -- to feel hot and horny with another guy -- and to let yourself express that desire through pleasuring someone else and allowing them to pleasure you?

Of course there is also a bit of a "learning curve" with this. Almost everyone has little "things" (sights, smells, tactile sensations) that really turn them on; and they also have little "things" that really turn them off. So, discovering what these are, whether or not they match up with your partner... It *IS* kind of complicated. But it is especially complicated if one or both of you are holding himself back from experiencing and expressing his desire and lust.

So, yeah, its complicated. Perhaps try and make it not such a big deal. It's just sex. It's just a way of sharing that sensation of being hot and horny and getting yourself and another guy off. Nothing wrong with that. For sure, it can also be more than that when you are sharing these experiences with someone you love... but don't over think it or make it into a bigger deal than it has to be. Just relax and enjoy and then you tell us what the problem is (or was).

[estudantet]

It's easier said than done to be honest. I can't really control my nervousness.

But I didn't feel particularly nervous. When he first kissed me yes... my heart was beating hard, but then i relaxed... still had those problems though. Maybe I just don't know exactly what I'm feeling. And it's not so much that the way he was doing didn't feel good.... I actually didn't feel much.

I don't know when I'll get another chance anyway, to have sex. It might take another 2 years, I don't know.

I just really wanted to be able to enjoy it fully... specially cause I don't get to do it often.