Confronting a "friend"...

[UrbanBookworm]

(I didn't put friend in quotations to suggest something more, but to say that right now I am unhappy with this friendship, if it ever was that)

Alright, so let's just put it this way. The story is obviously about a conflict I am having, I won't deny that, but I'm gonna express it as neutral as possible for the sake of the privacy for the other people involved (they're not on this forum lol):

So imagine this: a guy and a girl who get along SUPER well at work. They always like to do projects and tasks together and are always pretty cheery talking to each other. There have been NO blatant romantic notions towards each other, and it pretty much seems like they're best buds.

Now queue other male coworkers in the picture. Whether it is at work, or at a work-related outing, the guy just becomes a TOTAL JERK to her, to the point where it's like he's bullying her. (And then the other male coworkers look like they are uncomfortable with his actions for a split second, based on a grimace on their face towards him, but then they all join in - all but one, but they don't listen to this other guy)

Queue the next day at work, and he's just as nice all over again, like his rude behavior the evening before never happened, and continues like he's best buds with her.

My question is: What in the world is going on?
I feel humiliated and confused every time he does it. I pretty much have had enough, but I need a second opinion on how to approach him about it.

Is this just a "classic case" of a guy wanting to seem all tough in front of his guy friends by making a jerk out of himself, or is he just straight up rude and doesn't really care for me in any way, despite his eager friendship when it's just us at work? lol

Anyone understand? lol

[Justme]

Annybody who purposely disrespected you isn't a friend. I think the best thing for you to do is to tell him you felt humiliated by his actions. Depending on how he reacts, I think you'll be able to determine if he is your friend or not.

[JohnSomebody]

OK..I'm a little confused with your story because it seems initially you are talking about a female friend..however, at the end of your topic...it begin to seem as if you are talking about you?? Nonetheless...no one should subject themselves to be disrespected by anyone whether its one on one or in front of a crowd of people. Furthermore...I hate to say this but its almost as if you or her are kind of allowing him to display this behavior and then when he steps back into "normal" hood...instead of confronting him then and keeping your distance...I'm assuming that you still have a connection with him due to the fact that he is still subjecting you/her to this kind of treatment not just once but quite a few times from your post. Like the other guys have mentioned in their post...this guy is a "classic jerk" and you need to confront him when he appears the next day as "Mr. Normal". However, once you confront him...you need to put some distance in order not to be subjected to this abuse again. Just my opinion...

[Bookworm]

You say there has been no blatant romantic notions but I think it's possible he may actually be that way inclined towards you. Then when the other male co-workers are around he's over-compensating to cover his feelings towards you by being a total jerk? Crowd mentality can be a powerful motivator. Just a thought.
I could be way off beam here and he really is just a jerk, plain and simple.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Human males tend to stake out their territory, and even unknown to them they do defensive/offensive stuff that makes it clear that X is part of his territory.

Whilst you may not have a blatant romantic thing going on, I fear the millions of years of instincts in him say otherwise.

[Cridders88]

His behaviour is really not on and is not remotely fair on you, even if it is because he likes you as Bookworm has suggested as a possible reason. You definitely need to confront him but I wouldn't go in all guns blazing, but you definitely need to take him aside and talk to him about what he's doing, and ask him why he is doing it. Doing this may not result in a favourable response, but it's a lot better than allowing this behaviour to continue.

[Lexington]

It sounds like he's trying to score points with his male co-workers by being an asshole to you, under the assumption that you'll meekly take it. And since you said "I feel humiliated and confused every time he does it", it appears that assumption is correct - you ARE taking it.

If you want it to stop, say something. You can talk to him about it when it isn't happening, if you'd like. Or wait until it happens again, and then (verbally) fight back. Or even just say "Oh, fuck you, John" and get up and leave.

Lex

[East]

Definitely a behavior I have seen before...because my Dad did this all the time. He was one way with a woman alone...and another way when more men were around...like you describe..

Why? Because they are jerks...and I would confront him about it if I were you. Tell him what you have told us. If he is an asshole about it...you know his true nature.

[Camfer]

Time to set boundaries with him on what is unacceptable behavior. The most effective way to do this is to call him out on it in the very moment when it is happening.

Also document what is going on in writing. Since this is a work situation, if your company has an HR department, you may have to file a complaint at some point. But you should be able to handle it yourself by stopping his behavior.

[Pyromancer]

If you all were in junior high, I'd say yeah, he's crushing on you...but for fucksake, a grown man?

I agree that you need to call him out in the moment, but I don't think you should then walk off. If you can deliver a creative comeback that leaves you and the others laughing at him, the laughter takes away his power.