I hate my appearence and feel unattractive...

[TwisttheLeaf]

Anyone else have this or a similar problem? (Also, I won't post pics of my face because I don't feel safe doing that.)

Similar.

At 17, I was in a car accident that damaged a great deal of the right side of my body. I have many disfiguring scars on that side of my body, from knee and hip, to ribs, elbow, shoulder, back, etc. I've lived with these scars (and the maintenance of them as well as the repaired joints, tissue, etc beneath them) for a number of years. The scars never really bothered me, even when they were exposed and others stared at them (such as at the gym or the pool).

Then, a couple of years ago, I was attacked during a home invasion. During this home invasion, one of my (lesser) injuries was a knife to the face that left a very noticeable scar on my cheek. I went from being outgoing and sociable to a recluse overnight. I didn't want to be looked at. I couldn't even look at myself in the damned mirror. I still struggle with my appearance due to this scar (and there's no way in HELL I could ever afford plastic surgery, even if I had faith they wouldn't make things worse.. which I don't.)

The thing is? I AM getting better about this scar, though. Every day (even if some days are setbacks instead of steps forward). Every day I force myself to look in the mirror and accept that.... it could be worse. A LOT worse. And honestly? It isn't as bad as I -feel- like it is. (My therapist also helps. Gideon also helps. But the real work comes from inside, from working at accepting yourself.)

Well, currently, for my depression, I see a therapist once every two weeks, and a psychiatrist once a month (and a case manager who is annoying and I really hate him, he doesn't do shit and just makes things worse). But anyway, I've been in therapy for about 8 years now. None of it has helped at all. Granted, my therapy isn't for "body dysphoria" or whatever, but... honestly I don't think insurance would cover anything else.

You need to bring this self-hatred of your appearance up to your therapist. (NOTE, I said therapist, I know the difference between the three professionals you're seeing, and that is the appropriate one.) It shouldn't change your billing or anything to include these issues in your sessions.

[ShiftyNJ]

I read this whole thing and definitely feel for you. I have never been happy with my looks and thought about many of the same options you did. In the long run it took being around people who appreciated what I bring to the table to understand what is important. Thus built up, I somehow landed a guy who definitely has me beat in the looks department, brings much more than that to the relationship. If it can happen to me, it can happen to you.

I also got involved in physical activities that changed my body for the better. It is still a work in progress (and at age 45 is only going to make so much of a difference) but it makes me feel better about myself that I am fitter and stronger than a lot of the people I know (many of whom are younger than me).

People who think it's okay to say bitchy and hurtful things to you, such as your ex did about your penis, are not going to make you feel better about yourself. If these are the kind of people you're spending time with, that is a change you should make right now.

Part of my own problem was staring at models/celebrities and lamenting that I didn't look like them. One important lesson you could do is seek out undoctored pictures of these people when they are not expecting to be photographed... they don't look that different than you or I. A lot of it is Photoshop.

[novice]

Plus, but as I've said before in previous posts, if the gay community woke up and realised that they are actually NOT as inclusive as they believe they are - not to mention do something about it - it would already be a huge help.

The amount of people I know who've said that they came out thinking that they would find some kind of "common ground" with other gay men and have found themselves so disillusioned by the experience that they almost wished they hadn't even bothered.

Without wishing to get political, but I was under the impression that the gay rights movement was born out a desire to accept people for who they are, no matter how different they may be......

I have to agree. In about 7 years of exposure to the "gay community" I have seen & received more horrendous human to human interactions than I EVER received by ANYONE in the straight world the rest of my life combined. Dog eat dog times ten.

As to the appearance question there too I've found gay men to be highly "looks" oriented. It is a mass media thing in general but just heightened to the extreme among men. Ever seen the preening in gay bars & gyms?

That being said all sorts of gay guys date, etc w/o being model types so there's more to be attractive than just looks. Idk what it is however. I'm not sure what or who gay men "want." Nobody seems "good enough" for anyone for very long from my vantage point. It's probably "easier" in smaller cities than say NYC, Miami, CA, etc.. It could just be a U.S. thing I have no experience elsewhere.

You're not interested in guys 40's & 50's - which is reasonable given your age & guys are free to be into w/e types they want. But if you are a gay man -you better figure out a way to STOP AGING!

[East]

^^^

One thing many gay men practice is tearing each other apart. I think it is more about the oppressed oppressing each other which is a well studied sociological phenomenon....

The most desirable are the ones who appear to look and act like the oppressors...straight white dominant males.

The appearance thing...that is another story. Straight men do it to women all the time....openly...they critique their appearance...critique their age...and gay men are basically the same...except the object of their affection is other men....

Like straight men...not all gay men do it...some mature...some find inner beauty eventually to be attractive....some don't care at all....

Everyone ages...and like some straight men..some gay men worship youth and try to cling to it...judging themselves and other men their age as undesirable...so again..the problem is really within us...the part that matters anyway...

Sure...people are gonna judge you for all kinds of bullshit..and you have to decide if you are going to see yourself through their eyes...or your own....

...and I have found that the ones who complain about it the most are part of the problem...and most wouldn't want a guy like themselves...and are busy getting angry for being judged while they do the same thing to others....

So...you have a choice. Women make these choices all the time. You can spend a lot of time on your appearance and start comparing yourself to the fake beauty in others...or you can own it and call it what it is...and leave it at the door where it belongs.....

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Now...I will tell you a secret. The things we don't like about others and complain about is a reflection of the things we don't like in ourselves...almost always....

When someone complains about the "gay community"....they more often than not reveal who they are....and if you pay attention...it won't be long before the one who hates gay men judging them will be judging someone else..and they never see that they are part of the problem (and if you point it out...be prepared for the messenger to be shot)

Using this model..I have propelled myself forward and exposed my own hypocrisy time and time again..it is a great tool....if you want to use it...

That is the key though...wanting to use tools. A lot of people just want to complain and pretend they are in it..but not part of it. They are fools.

[Rareboy]

I agree with consulting a fashion consultant.

Someone who can help you choose a hairstyle and clothing that makes the most of your features.

I also doubt if your features are the problem.

In the first instance....you seem insulted, rather than flattered that it is only the people you don't find attractive who want to fuck you. Think about this. Seriously.

[novice]

^^^

One thing many gay men practice is tearing each other apart. ......

The appearance thing...that is another story. Straight men do it to women all the time....openly...they critique their appearance...critique their age...and gay men are basically the same...except the object of their affection is other men....

Like straight men...not all gay men do it...some mature...some find inner beauty eventually to be attractive....some don't care at all....

...and I have found that the ones who complain about it the most are part of the problem...and most wouldn't want a guy like themselves...and are busy getting angry for being judged while they do the same thing to others....

The "tearing each other apart" I agree with. I was in the "straight" world all my life & guys did not "critique" women as openly & blatantly as gay men. I've heard women say women critique each other pretty viciously at times - so in that way gay men are like catty women. As to WHY idk. I do find it hypocritical though how gay men complain about "persecution" then proceed to treat one another so "harshly" (at best).

I for one am not "complaining about it" just stating what I see & experience. The difficulty arises when you must live in a "community" that is largely appearance & sex oriented. You can feel ok in who you are "inside" & that not "help" you in attracting guys.

I don't "judge" other people as rigidly as I do myself. There are plenty of times I would've dated guys who on some "objective" appearance scale most would've said were less attractive than myself (but they were for w/e reason not interested). So trying to blame someone for pointing things out rather than realizing the problems endemic to the "gay community" won't help improve things.

I may be "part of the problem" but any way you slice it I've seen & experienced some reprehensible behavior by (many, many) gay men - I refuse to ignore or condone that. I WISH it were just a problem w/ me - I could do something to change/solve/improve THAT.

[Camfer]

Well, males are generally competitive. I've experienced that with both straight men and gay men. I've seen it in everything from pigeons to deer. I don't find that gay men have any monopoly on that trait.

[East]

The "tearing each other apart" I agree with. I was in the "straight" world all my life & guys did not "critique" women as openly & blatantly as gay men. I've heard women say women critique each other pretty viciously at times - so in that way gay men are like catty women. As to WHY idk. I do find it hypocritical though how gay men complain about "persecution" then proceed to treat one another so "harshly" (at best).

I for one am not "complaining about it" just stating what I see & experience. The difficulty arises when you must live in a "community" that is largely appearance & sex oriented. You can feel ok in who you are "inside" & that not "help" you in attracting guys.

I don't "judge" other people as rigidly as I do myself. There are plenty of times I would've dated guys who on some "objective" appearance scale most would've said were less attractive than myself (but they were for w/e reason not interested). So trying to blame someone for pointing things out rather than realizing the problems endemic to the "gay community" won't help improve things.

I may be "part of the problem" but any way you slice it I've seen & experienced some reprehensible behavior by (many, many) gay men - I refuse to ignore or condone that. I WISH it were just a problem w/ me - I could do something to change/solve/improve THAT.

The thing is...by characterizing the whole gay community as any one thing is doing exactly what you are say gay men are doing....you are just making different judgements......

It is pretty difficult to tell me much about the gay community because I think I am uniquely qualified as an observer...having spent 20 years full time working in a gay nightclub...

...and there are more men who DON'T do what you say than ones who do..and that was a steady fact the entire 20 years...

***Except if you were there during the great zombie clone migration on Castro Street in the early 80s when all the guys all of a sudden adopted one look and uniform...and they forgot to send a lot of us a fucking memo....now THAT was scary...I swear I was waiting for a plant to be beside my bed one night...Invasion of the Fucking Gay Body Snatchers....thankfully that bullshit was short lived... :eek: ***

...and there are plenty of people who judge other people on their appearance...very true...but so many of the ones who don't judge other men on so many other things...

For Instance

their status...
their use of vocabulary...
their intellect or lack thereof....
their income....
their possessions...
their education level....
their taste in clothes...
their politics...
their spirituality...
the car they drive...
you name it ...and someone does it...

...and what makes one worse than the others? Value judgements,..that are personal and unique to each one of us....are in all of us....

[novice]

Maybe I should qualify it by saying all the gay men I've met (or 99% of them) - maybe I just have incredibly bad luck & meet the wrong ones (?). It's an awfully bad ratio if there is some large amount of decent gay guys I've rarely encountered.

I've not saying they don't exist I'm saying idk where they are if they do.

[East]

I have got to tell you something...all of the stereotypes I hear...they are mostly all false representations of gay men as a whole....

I talk to gay men all the time...and we never have one of the conversations you mention...I don't contribute anything to it and so we just don't go there.

...yet working in a bar and having had sex with a lot of men.....random...nasty hardcore sex....I hear from a lot of people how shallow "people like me" are...and how I am the worst kind of person to meet for any kind of relationship...

Yet...I have been happily partnered in a monogamous relationship for 30 years..

...but people STILL say it..lots of the same people who complain about gays being too judgemental...

They never see it in themselves....