I hate my appearence and feel unattractive...

[JackTX]

People say that but honestly I'm the opposite. I would love a guy exactly like me. Problem is, like everybody else, nobody is exactly like me. So I have to compromise when choosing someone.

Yep, I'd totally do me. I'm sure that's not uncommon :p

This is catty as hell, but I hate when I see a really attractive guy with a guy who isn't... it's like damn, he's wasting himself on someone ugly. That could be me that's with him! And yes I know that train of thought is horrible.

Confirming the horrible-ness of such jealousy. Only you can mentally derail that next time it happens.

I have bad luck with humans in general. It's why I'm so anti-social.

Everyone has bad luck with humans. What you make of it and what you let it do to you is what will separate you from everyone else.

It is sort of looks based. I mean I know some guys don't look their age. But a lot of men, and I hate to say this, but especially white men, age terribly. They become wrinkly and gross earlier on than most people of other races.

So you don't want people you don't find attractive but you want more people who don't find you attractive to want you?

[insert picture of puppy with head cocked to the side]

When you look at someone you think is ugly, you should try to come up with something that IS nice about them. It's a good exercise to help you focus less on perfection and more on individual assets, which *everyone* has.

And I'm white myself and I really fear getting older. That's partly why I don't get why so many guys of other races date older white men.

I dunno. This is just really sad. You are down on how you look now and you also have no hope. I would suggest therapy. <Not a joke

Honestly, yes I do sort of think that. And I'm sure that guys I hit on probably think I'm desperate too, even though I'm far from it.

I don't think that's a helpful train of thought. You're going to turn away some really nice people who may even have amazing features under their clothes. Maybe you're just obsessed with faces and not stupid things like personalities though.

As for everyone saying that I'll be wanting younger guys when I'm in my 40s and 50s... no I won't. I promise myself I'll only hit on guys around my age. Because I don't want to be the type of person I despise that annoys others.

I used to only like younger guys, and if you had asked me back then, I don't think I would have imagined it changing. I also didn't like body hair at ALL and now it's really not a problem (and sometimes quite nice). All of the things that happen to you over the years, all of the people you encounter, WILL change you. Pre-declaring that it won't is foolish.

You have so many preconceptions. If I could wipe your brain and make you start over, I would. You might not even bad that bad looking but you've convinced yourself that you are so it's your reality.


P.S. A little weed never hurt anyone. It might even help you relax about some of this stuff :p

P.P.S. Rush has a song named Subdivisions. It seems somewhat apropos...

Subdivisions
In the high school halls
In the shopping malls
Conform or be cast out

[meridannight]

But if you are a gay man -you better figure out a way to STOP AGING!

i disagree. i think men in 40s and 50s are hot.

just look at these:





two of the best looking well-known men in my opinion. Joachim Low beats most guys younger than him.

so i won't ever agree with that, nor did i think different when i was younger. i generally prefer guys more or less my age, because i tend to have more in common with them, but i've never shunned older men. guys who can't see past the year count haven't matured as far as to warrant long-term attention.

i've been involved with a guy 20 years older than me for two years now. and he isn't a looker like Joachim Low is at the same age, at least not at first glance. but he's attractive, and way better company (in and out of bed) than a lot of guys 30 years younger than him.

[Buzzer]

So you don't want people you don't find attractive but you want more people who don't find you attractive to want you?

OP, just calling to your attention you've heard this ^ exact same idea from almost everyone in the thread.

I don't necessarily buy into the rampant accusations of some special kind of superficiality that only exists in the gay community. But I do think a lot of people have an amazing ability to disconnect between "people not interested in me are shallow assholes" and then "when I blew that guy off it was DIFFERENT... he was ugly/creepy/old/not my type/whatever."

You are doing the same thing as those other guys.

When you stop viewing guys as just flat 2 dimensional faces and images, and start viewing them as people, you'd be surprised how much harder it is to just summarily dismiss someone after you internally compare them to an underwear model and find that they're not as attractive.

[subdivisions]

Well first off you say your parents won't let you... as if you're a child. You're not, right? You're over 18, right? I don't care if you're living with them or not. They have no legal authority to MAKE you take drugs. Unless you're incarcerated in a mental institution, if you want to stop taking medications you have every legal right to do so.

But as you write it becomes clear that it isn't your "parents" but specifically your step mom... Well, so, she has the power to throw you out of the house? Seriously? And why the hell would she even know what you were or were not doing if you didn't tell her? Why the fuck is anything you do ANY of her business at all?

Bottom line there is you need to get the hell out of your paren's house. No wonder you fucking depressed!

If I could afford to move out, I would.

They get into my personal life a lot. Well my step-mom mostly. She thinks it's cute or something. It's not. I don't want to answer personal questions. I'm a young adult and we all keep a lot of secrets for a reason. But when she puts me on the spot, I have to come up with an answer or she'll bitch at and threaten me.

My dad has been on disability for over 10 years. She worked when he couldn't. So she paid for most of our bills and whatnot. So I guess I owe her. I'm not a good liar and they can see through it. Also, I have to go to therapy and whatnot, my dad has the insurance and sees what I do. As for medications... as drastic as this may sound, I'll have to tell my psychiatrist to lie and give me a prescription for a random psych med. I'll go and pick it up and show my parents "Look I'm taking this now.". Throw one away every day to look like I'm taking them. Hopefully they'll believe me then. I know lying is "bad" or whatever but gotta do what I gotta do.

LOL!!!! You've been totally brainwashed by the establishment on this one sweetheart. Are they dangerous? Yeah, well, so is driving a car; so is having sex with a stranger; so is walking down the street or even sitting at home doing fucking nothing. Life is full of risks... The questions to be asking are: Do the potential benefits outweigh those risks and can the risks be reduced.[... etc.]

Still not taking them. Slight possibility if they were legal. Even then I'd be skeptical though. My own personal choice. I don't drink alcohol or smoke weed either.

So you don't want people you don't find attractive but you want more people who don't find you attractive to want you?

No. I want people to find me attractive. I can't control whether they do or not but if they don't then it'll actually make me not want them.

P.P.S. Rush has a song named Subdivisions.

Of course! That's where I got my name from lol. People on other sites think that the "sub" part means "submissive" but I'm not.[/quote]

OP, just calling to your attention you've heard this ^ exact same idea from almost everyone in the thread.

I don't necessarily buy into the rampant accusations of some special kind of superficiality that only exists in the gay community. But I do think a lot of people have an amazing ability to disconnect between "people not interested in me are shallow assholes" and then "when I blew that guy off it was DIFFERENT... he was ugly/creepy/old/not my type/whatever."

You are doing the same thing as those other guys.

I understand why people blow me off. It sucks, but I do understand why.

[novice]

This is catty as hell, but I hate when I see a really attractive guy with a guy who isn't... it's like damn, he's wasting himself on someone ugly. That could be me that's with him! And yes I know that train of thought is horrible.

I have bad luck with humans in general. It's why I'm so anti-social.

It is sort of looks based. I mean I know some guys don't look their age. But a lot of men, and I hate to say this, but especially white men, age terribly. They become wrinkly and gross earlier on than most people of other races. And I'm white myself and I really fear getting older. That's partly why I don't get why so many guys of other races date older white men.

The couples I see are usually similar to each other in looks. Rarely a good looking guy w/ an unattractive guy.

I have gradually reduced my efforts w/ guys because of diminishing returns.

I am a white guy too & age seems to be a big factor w/ attracting partners. I have very little ego but I am at least decent looking w/ a good physique for my age but past 40 & it doesn't seem matter how you look.

I think a lot of gay men fear aging so dating an older guy is kind of like "looking into" their future that they'd rather not think about.

BUT, as MikeW said - I'm probably not finding guys in the right places where perhaps less "looks" oriented guys are (although I have no clue where that would be).

The problem is plenty of people think they are the greatest thing since sliced bread & they AREN'T - so even if you "think" you're great but no one else does - you might end up being alone w/ your "great" self.

[MikeW]

[MENTION=21979]subdivisions[/MENTION] ... the system has held your most recent post but it sent it to those you've quoted...

If I could afford to move out, I would.

They get into my personal life a lot. Well my step-mom mostly. She thinks it's cute or something. It's not. I don't want to answer personal questions. I'm a young adult and we all keep a lot of secrets for a reason. But when she puts me on the spot, I have to come up with an answer or she'll bitch at and threaten me.

My dad has been on disability for over 10 years. She worked when he couldn't. So she paid for most of our bills and whatnot. So I guess I owe her. I'm not a good liar and they can see through it. Also, I have to go to therapy and whatnot, my dad has the insurance and sees what I do. As for medications... as drastic as this may sound, I'll have to tell my psychiatrist to lie and give me a prescription for a random psych med. I'll go and pick it up and show my parents "Look I'm taking this now.". Throw one away every day to look like I'm taking them. Hopefully they'll believe me then. I know lying is "bad" or whatever but gotta do what I gotta do.

The only reason I'm suggesting you stop taking the meds is so that you can get a "read" on your baseline and see if you can work anything out from that. Since you are under the supervision of a psychiatrist (and I think you may have said a therapist as well) why not ask him/them if you can simply stop taking your meds for a while. I'm not sure, they may recommend that you not do that. It's up to you.

Ok, so am I to understand that your step-mom is basically supporting you and, therefore, you feel you need to comply with her invasive questions? If so, to me, figuring out a way to earn money so you can get out of that situation should be close to priority number 1 for you. There are a lot of reasons why I say this but basically it boils down to your being IN a family dynamic that sounds dysfunctional. It is very difficult to psychologically heal inside such a family dynamic. In this instance you haven't set and maintained boundaries with this woman and apparently don't feel like you can (because you 'owe' her explanations).

Still not taking them. Slight possibility if they were legal. Even then I'd be skeptical though. My own personal choice. I don't drink alcohol or smoke weed either.

I'm not going to go any further off topic with this subject. It is worthy of a thread of its own. Suffice it to say what we're talking about here has little to no equivalency with alcohol or weed. I was very specific in the way I worded my original comment: IF you are unable to get a handle on your depression you might want to consider a more radical, experimental approach. They *do* work. However, such things are not to be toyed with or taken lightly and most certainly not without experienced supervision. Cf: this February 2015 article in the New Yorker re Psilocybin (very similar to LSD) research. Also this article concerning a Johns Hopkins research project. At some point you might want to read "LSD Psychotherapy" by Stanislav Grof.

[novice]

i disagree. i think men in 40s and 50s are hot.

just look at these:

two of the best looking well-known men in my opinion. Joachim Low beats most guys younger than him.

so i won't ever agree with that, nor did i think different when i was younger. i generally prefer guys more or less my age, because i tend to have more in common with them, but i've never shunned older men. guys who can't see past the year count haven't matured as far as to warrant long-term attention.

i've been involved with a guy 20 years older than me for two years now. and he isn't a looker like Joachim Low is at the same age, at least not at first glance. but he's attractive, and way better company (in and out of bed) than a lot of guys 30 years younger than him.

I wasn't meaning I agreed about aging. I was just saying all gay men are going to age so at some point they will confront the age question vis-a-vis dating, etc.

Maybe you prefer older guys (which is great given that I am one!) but the vast majority of guys aren't. Where I am most guys basically only go for under 40 ish at best. EVEN if THEY are 50 they will only date about 40 & below. It's often stated plainly on dating profiles &/or Grindr & so forth. In "real life" they won't "admit" to it because they don't want to seem shallow ( I guess??) but you will never SEE them w/ a guy their age.

It could just be they're not attracted to older guys which is a reasonable thing. You can't "force" yourself to be attracted to someone you're not.

I'm not very optimistic right now so I probably shouldn't be responding to a thread where someone is needing some positive outlook!!!!

[subdivisions]

... the system has held your most recent post but it sent it to those you've quoted...

What do you mean exactly?

Since you are under the supervision of a psychiatrist (and I think you may have said a therapist as well) why not ask him/them if you can simply stop taking your meds for a while. I'm not sure, they may recommend that you not do that. It's up to you.

Even if the psychiatrist says I can stop the meds, she'd probably even call him and say "No! He has to be on meds!! He's crazy!!"... she wouldn't use those exact words, but she'd imply it.

I'm not going to go any further off topic with this subject. It is worthy of a thread of its own. Suffice it to say what we're talking about here has little to no equivalency with alcohol or weed. I was very specific in the way I worded my original comment: IF you are unable to get a handle on your depression you might want to consider a more radical, experimental approach. They *do* work. However, such things are not to be toyed with or taken lightly and most certainly not without experienced supervision. Cf: this February 2015 article in the New Yorker re Psilocybin (very similar to LSD) research. Also this article concerning a Johns Hopkins research project. At some point you might want to read "LSD Psychotherapy" by Stanislav Grof.

There's a couple of reasons why I won't do this and they're actually personal reasons that have nothing to do with safety issues.

1 is that my ex did shrooms a few times... which is a bit different but still psychoactives remind me of him. And anything that reminds me of him turns me into the deepest depression and a psychotic state where I have angry conversations with myself and plan on burning his house down. Not even joking.

2 is that I associate drugs with kids in school peer pressuing me, making fun of me, calling me a pussy and faggot for not doing drugs. I don't want to give in to them and prove to them that I'm weak and wrong. And quite frankly, what you're doing is peer pressuring me when I already said no twice.

[East]

Umm...I am gonna be 58 in a few weeks..am white..look like I am 58...not particularly good looking according to many people's standards or idea of beauty...and I get hit on ALOT. If I wanted to date or fuck someone...it would not be a problem......

...and the reason I get hit on has little to do with my appearance one way or the other...just like when I was younger. It is about my attitude. It was ALWAYS about my attitude. Also..I never would go out with anyone who said anything about my appearance...positive or negative....unless they already know me and like WHO I AM and their observance is that my looks are a part of who I am. I never considered it a compliment if someone I don't know likes my looks...I consider it a warning to avoid them. I would not go out with someone who wanted to date me just because they liked my looks...ewwwwww........ That is a lot of ilk I have always avoided.

IF you are a guy who looks at a couple and sizes up their looks and whether they belong with each other based on looks,,,,,,THAT is your attitude problem. Even if you don't say it....people can sense it. It is ugly behavior.....so is a completely negative attitude.....

I also don't see how someone like that can sustain any relationship because people age and change and if you are focused on appearance THAT MUCH you probably deserve to be alone so you don't inflict that bullshit on your partner...or at least find a partner who is as much of an asshole as you are so you can tear each other apart....

I LOVE my age. I hate that I might lose my health at any moment...but that is part of life and something everyone has to face...has nothing to do with being gay. Way too many of my friends died in their 20s and 30s and a little part of each one of them is inside of me...and I feel privelidged to even be alive...and lucky...

Whining about my age would be a slap in the face to everyone who never got the chance....

Oh yeah...for the guys who think older guys look gross....you are making the bed that you will one day lay in...and with that kind of attitude....you won't like that bed....

[novice]

As to antidepressants - I think they "can" work for some people if you find the right one. None ever worked for me but apparently they do for some.

As to aging & appearance - I didn't realize it was such an issue until I began trying to date men. I never get hit on (or even looked at as far as I can tell - nearly invisible in fact). In real life or online. It can't be "attitude" because online all they are going on is a photo & in public unless they're clairvoyant they can't what know what my "attitude" is.

Given my "results" (or lack thereof) being decent looking idk how people considered "unattractive" get by in the gay community. I really really have not encountered guys to whom looks weren't paramount. However, I do think one can have charisma or be the life of the party, etc & thus attract partners w/ a dazzling or pleasing personality & "overcome" any appearance issues (if you they any).