FREE Relationship Repair and Advice while you wait

[East]

[MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION] I was in a hurry when I made that last comment and didn't even what you wrote before it.....

It was one of those moments like I've had in th past about wishing Andy would give me a "thanks button" that works in size 7 type....

You are right... That needs to be the new gay gospel......

Yeah..really excellent summation from [MENTION=21461]Steve[/MENTION] ...and perfect advice for any couple..gay..or straight...

[Virge]

I'm picking some lines out of this that hit me...

^^^^Infidelity^^^^

Easy solution..and one I am practicing myself...
First off...Neither one of us promised fidelity to the other...at my insistance...and it ISN'T BECAUSE WE ARE IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP...we aren't...or because we are not monogamous...we are....

It is simply because no one has any business promising fidelity to anyone else...because NO ONE has a clue what will unfold in their life...and what choices they will make...and even for the ones who swear they are the reincarnation of the fucking Virgin Mary...they STILL didn't know...and besides...an immaculate conception (***cough**cough***)...three men show up with gifts...uh...if it happened today..it would be an episode of Maury Povich's Who's The Daddy....just sayin'.....

...so all of the straight people who swore to be faithful and weren't should have been a terrible warning...not a shining example......

...and they weren't "bad people"...just humans.....who thought they could control their life...and guess what...you may very well have a path in front of you that you aren't even aware of.

So..me and my BF promised to be honest...EASY TO DO!...no matter what happens.....
...and I think it is much worse to lie to your(self?) SO than to have sex with someone else...no comparison really....

...and besides...if your partner REALLY wants to fuck someone else...LET THEM!...just make sure they take pictures and share them with you :biggrin: ....

If they fly away..they were never really yours to begin with.... and trying to "make" someone stay with you if they don't want to be there ..EEK :eek: That is the start of a tangled web to be woven....

As [MENTION=21461]Steve[/MENTION] said...define your own relationship and design it for the individuals involved... and keep everyone else out of it....

My long stretch of soul searching after our experience with infidelity started off with....

#1 . I am 50% of this relationship and 50% of the problem is mine. I didn't throw all the responsibility on him.... and that was right from the start. I wasn't going to give him a mental beat down about it even though I really wanted to and he expected it.

#2 , That led me to begin wondering what I could have done to prevent it from ever happening and I saw that real quick... He got here after Xmas and cheated on me in mid March. 11 or 12 weeks. He came here for ME.... and I was gone 3 or 4 days out of every week.

#3 . That led to me putting myself in his shoes to imagine why he didn't tell me he was possibly disappointed I was gone so much. He did say things like "oooh I'm so glad you're home," or "I wish you didn't have to leave." BUT he never once pitched a fit or started nagging me about being gone so much.... He was doing his best to be supportive to me and in the process pushing his needs back in the fridge 50% of the time 8000 miles from his home, his friends and all that.

He's human and just as vulnerable to messing up as the rest of us.

Now we've reach a point where we both stay comfortable form of honesty about the little things that happen that don't meet our needs.... and just because I want to talk about something that's not meeting my needs is not the same thing as expecting him to change or vice versa.

And we are going out of our ways now to make sure we have two meals a day with each other and lie down and wake up in the same bed..... for a very very very long time.

[Bhp91126]

Jumping into this love-fest face-forward. There is so much good stuff in here already that I want to contribute (and get my share of pats on my back).

So, the 3 secrets to an LTR are
Communicate
Communicate
Communicate

Your boyfriend can't read your mind!

[MikeW]

....we're kind of perfect bookends with a great story between us.

That is SO beautifully said!

I'm not re-quoting all the rest of your absolutely amazing post. I agree with everything you're saying.

I'm going to point out, though, that it is PRECISELY BECAUSE you are right on target that what you've said deserves a MUCH LARGER AUDIENCE than the few of us who visit this forum.

It is interesting; I feel very much right now with this thread as I did when I was trying to get the couples group I was a part of to document its process and create a framework for others who might want to create such groups. I saw then, as I'm seeing now right here, that there is a huge NEED for this kind of -- well, it is support but, indeed, lets call it "education".

And why not call it that, that's exactly what it is. And I think you're absolutely right to want to minimize the "mental health" aspect of this. This is about LEARNING RELATIONSHIP SKILLS, not psyching people out.

So, seriously, gentlemen, IF you actually want to have a sociological impact upon the gay community, you'll not just spout off great ideas in a rather obscure forum. You'll figure out a way to band together to MAKE SOMETHING ACTUALLY HAPPEN.

This is always the stickler with any "great idea". They take energy... actual life energy... to manifest. They take our time. They require us to think things through and develop an action plan that actually gets acted upon. It may require learning things... For example, how many of you know anything about BECOMING A NON PROFIT EDUCATIONAL INSTITUTION? Or... have delved into the pluses and minuses of having the kind of education we're talking about BE PROFITABLE for some? Or... does one take the idea to the already existing "personal growth" community and train "facilitators" to orchestrate interactive, participatory groups?

Doing anything like this other than just talking about it is as much work as a relationship, maybe more. :eek:

[Virge]

Guys... I love the way this thread is being so danged positive... and informative... Already it's shaping up for everything anyone with "early" relationship problems would need to know... I say early cuz a couple here that I look at as my gay uncles sprung something on me yesterday that knocked me back. One of them is deteriorating with rapid early onset Alzheimers... How do you come up with advice for that? geeez. That's a subject and a mood for another thread.

I'm going over to see them today while I'm out seeing the doctor and running a few errands... ordering a "birthday" cake for Jay... looking for decorations, disposable plates etc... I'll be checking in when I have a chance and didn't have one yesterday. I was busier than the only whore working a viagra convention and have only 10 days left to get all my cats in a row and find a new way to skin a duck to get this whole wedding thing done. hahahahahhaahahaha!

And believe it or not.... Jay's the one who's being nutso now... he sent me flowers last Friday...and yesterday -- a pot as wide as a dinner plate of orchids in bloom.

Got to run.

Virge.

[CarGuy65]

This is a fascinating thread. Lets keep it going! Great advice here. I have nothing to contribute as I am going through my own relationship issues at the moment but this topic has some great ideas for mr to think about.