Monogamy expectations

[rado84]

Do a lot of male-male relationships struggle with this? I've been in my relationship for 5 years and I am to the point where I understand I cannot even expect much in this area. At this point, you're thinking why am I still in the relationship, but I really do love my partner and we're compatible on so many levels. I know so many gay relationships seem to be open and wonder if this is something I should just mellow out on? If it's so common, is the fact that he gets some on the side without telling me something to be worried about if I know he loves me? We've been "open" but we had an agreement to let the other know prior to anything happening. Well, apparently, this is not been followed. Personally, I am for some odd reason angry but also sympathetic thinking that if I ask him to tell me first, perhaps that's just awkward and I suppose I can see how it would take away from the experience(?). I just am pretty peeved that the rules weren't followed (I am pretty OCD about rules)...it triggers a lot of anxiety and other negative feelings.

Anyway, thoughts, insight, been-there before stories, would be helpful.

Thanks

What exactly is your question? Do we or do we not approve monogamy?

[Pacific]

^Rado, my question is not whether people here approve. I understand that depends on each relationship. My question is if other couples struggle in the ways I've described--like the rules being broken and how they have or would handle the situation.

[rado84]

I'm sorry for asking another stupid question but I'm not sure I understand what rules you're talking about. Last time I checked there were no explicit rules about having a relationship.
In my last relationship, which lasted 3 years, we never had this issue with the -gamy thing. I never told him what I think about that and he never game me a reason to tell him. But if I had found out he cheated on me (being polygamic), I would have broken up with him immediately.

[TwisttheLeaf]

I'm sorry for asking another stupid question but I'm not sure I understand what rules you're talking about. Last time I checked there were no explicit rules about having a relationship.
In my last relationship, which lasted 3 years, we never had this issue with the -gamy thing. I never told him what I think about that and he never game me a reason to tell him. But if I had found out he cheated on me (being polygamic), I would have broken up with him immediately.

He outlines the rules he is speaking about in his posts. (ie: his partner telling him prior to stepping out for sex). Everyone sets the rules that work for them, choosing their limits. Every relationship has rules within it, those rules simply are different from one relationship to another yeah?

[rado84]

He outlines the rules he is speaking about in his posts. (ie: his partner telling him prior to stepping out for sex). Everyone sets the rules that work for them, choosing their limits. Every relationship has rules within it, those rules simply are different from one relationship to another yeah?

You mean like when one of the two says "I agree to do this but I won't do that"? Like if I told my partner I would fulfil his (for example) rape fantasies but I wouldn't do BDSM? These kinds of rules?

[TwisttheLeaf]

You mean like when one of the two says "I agree to do this but I won't do that"? Like if I told my partner I would fulfil his (for example) rape fantasies but I wouldn't do BDSM? These kinds of rules?

That could be a part of it yeah.

I mean like the agreements (and compromises) one makes in a relationship that define one's boundaries.

Examples such as.... monogamy, or lack there of. TERMS on the lack of such as "we have to tell each other we're going to fuck around before doing so" or "I want to be told when you screw someone else, even if it's after the fact."

Examples such as.... limits on behavior and boundaries. Such as, Gideon and I like violence but it has to be because it's hot, and not when he's angry.

All relationships have rules that define what IS and ISN'T okay. And every relationship's rules will be different, depending on the people involved and their boundaries, limits, and preferences.

[Gideon]

I would keep in mind too, that those rules can -change- as the relationship grows and evolves.

What might have been okay two weeks into the relationship isn't necessarily going to be okay five years down the line, yeah?

Bottom line is, if you're not feeling okay with your partner's decisions, then it needs to be discussed. And if he isn't willing to make it right for -you-? Then maybe it's time to review and either change the relationship entirely, or move on.

OP...don't let anyone invalidate your feelings either. If you are feeling it, then it's valid.

[rado84]

That could be a part of it yeah.

I mean like the agreements (and compromises) one makes in a relationship that define one's boundaries.

Examples such as.... monogamy, or lack there of. TERMS on the lack of such as "we have to tell each other we're going to fuck around before doing so" or "I want to be told when you screw someone else, even if it's after the fact."

Examples such as.... limits on behavior and boundaries. Such as, Gideon and I like violence but it has to be because it's hot, and not when he's angry.

All relationships have rules that define what IS and ISN'T okay. And every relationship's rules will be different, depending on the people involved and their boundaries, limits, and preferences.

I see now.
So, to answer Pacific's question: I never had a relationship in which the rules of monogamy were ever broken but if such a thing had happened, I don't know what I would have done. If my partner (regardless of their gender) does raise the question about polygamy, I would clearly state my opinion about that and if I caught her cheating on me, I would break up with them immediately. There used to be a time when I wouldn't say "immediately" but that time's long gone. I learned the hard way it's not a good idea to forgive cheating (polygamy is exactly that - cheating), so now there's no forgiveness for that.

[Pacific]

I understand that most people can be pretty decisive when it comes to handling issues such as these. I am really struggling because I still feel love and want to be in the relationship. But I cannot just brush lies under the rug. I kind of view the situation as a scale and view all things that he accepts of mine (my anxiety disorder and other issues) and wonder if it's so bad that he has done what he has (like does my problems cancel out what he has done and help balance the scale?). That is where I struggle. Otherwise, we really have a deep love and loyalty. I also think a part of why he has kept some aspects from me is because he thinks he is too "kinky" or is afraid I will judge, but I still don't want to be lied to.

[Darius]

Are you saying you feel you have no choice but to accept his behavior? Are you afraid if you tell him you are not ok with an open relationship that he will choose to leave, because it still does not sound like something you really want?