Ending a 7 year relationship

[20113]

Hi All,

I'm new to this forum and am here for some support and advice.

On Friday I ended my relationship of 7 years and I'm here because I need to tell the story, I ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone in my life.

The story of our breakup begins on Christmas Eve Eve of last year. I was home alone browsing on my tablet when a Skype message popped up, I opened the app and very quickly realise it wasn't my account but my boyfriends. The chat history was utterly devastating and heartbreak. From the dates in the messages he'd been messing around with 5 or 6 guys online for months. When he came home I confronted him and he said that that was all the messages, I'd seen it all and he wouldn't do it again... I believed him.

We had a rocky Christmas but got through it and back to normal until about 2 months later. Same situation but this time a twitter message came up. I got paranoid and managed to check his phone. I didn't think it could have got worse but it did, he had grindr, hornet, scruff, his txts and whatsapp were full of dozens of men messaging him, ranging from sex talk to almost relationships. They were strangers, ex's even mutual friends. To anyone who knew I existed he pretended we were having a rough relationship and that he was mere seconds away from leaving me for them. To anyone who didn't know him he would talk with them about what we were doing but omit me from the scenario. He'd even sent nude pictures of me to someone, he doesn't remember who but I think that's a lie too... These messages went back 4 years!

When I spoke (shouted) this to him he told me he had a problem, he craved their attention and it was magnified by alcohol and that he wouldn't do it again... I believed him.

He started to come to bed at the same time as me every night so he wouldn't be tempted (his idea), he cut drinking to a minimum. We were really happy, potentially the happiest we've been.

But on Thursday night he broke his routine, and stayed up, I wanted to trust him so didn't say anything, went to bed and left him in the living room. I woke up on Friday so paranoid that I had to check, thinking I would be the one who would be wrong and I'd be apologising to him. But there it was on his twitter a DM conversation that lasted 2 hours ending with shall we take this to whatsapp.

I woke him up and ended it.

I don't know how to feel, I hate that he's ruined what we had. Due to neither of us being able of afford to move out we're going to be living together for sometime and its incredibly painful.

I know I don't want to be with him, I don't trust him, but I still have feelings for him.

Have I been too harsh on someone that clearly needs help? Was I a complete mug for taking him back twice before?

[Pyromancer]

You aren't being too harsh. You weren't an idiot for having believed that he could change and giving him chances to do so. Yes, he needs help...and you gave him ample opportunity to get that help, with you there for support. He didn't.

To my way of thinking, deciding to leave now says that you have an intact sense of self esteem...despite the way he treated you...and a strong sense of self preservation. I know it's a total cliché, but you have to take care of yourself first or you're no use to anyone, including yourself. You're taking steps toward doing that and you should be proud of your strength.

But living there? A cardboard box under the bridge would be preferable. No, seriously, can you look into finding a roommate or some sort of temporary living situation? You're not going to start the healing process with him underfoot.

I wish you the best in dealing with this, please come back and talk more as things evolve...and BTW, welcome to the forum...

[Steve]

Of course you still have feelings for him, you were with him for years. It takes awhile before that kind of feeling fades. It will take even longer since you aren't able to live separately.

Were you wrong in your actions? That's up to you. You've clearly decided what you can and cannot live with regarding the parameters of what you want in your relationship. And you have, it seems, had this discussion (this fight) more than once. You've made your wishes known. On the surface I can't really see that you've done anything "wrong".

I'd ask if these confrontations with him were good discussions, a real dialogue between the two of you, or was it more assigning blame and him hanging his head in shame? If you can have an honest discussion that doesn't start with the anger of emotional betrayal as its beginning then maybe the two of you can communicate more clearly. If you can both define the terms with what you want out of your relationship, set rules, be unconditional honest with one another, and work at keeping the communication open and easy to access by not hanging fear of argument as a consequence, your relationship will have better footing.

As I've said, I don't think you've done anything wrong really. If you want to be in a monogamous relationship and he either doesn't, or can't, then you're at a dead end. You might want to see if he will consider counseling. If he has a sex addiction (which is a real condition) and genuinely wants to understand it and seek help, the two of you may have some hope of salvaging your years together. That kind of thing takes dedication and dead honesty on his part. It takes knowing that, like most other people trying to quit an addiction, he's going to screw up. It's easy to fall back on old habits especially under stress. His screwing up isn't a free pass cheat either. Sometimes you have to acknowledge that someone with a sex addiction is going to mess up. If you see signs of that happening screw the benefit of the doubt and talk about it. Not yell, not accuse, but figure out what he's not coping with and find a solution.

In the end walking away from a relationship that's lasted for years is never easy. Worse if you can't physically leave because you're financing a home together, or are in a lease (neither of which is easy to break without damaging your credit score, let alone the financial expense). The best advice is to leave as soon as possible. Living with him will only serve to fester hate between the two of you. You'll have this "thing" between you that you can't make work, yet are slapped with in the face each time you see one another. Healing and moving on in a healthy way won't be possible easily.

Check your area for gay crisis helplines. Crisis helplines often have resources, or at a minimum suggestive courses of action, that will help you either find the counseling you probably both need or separate from him cleanly.

Best of luck sweetpea.

[20113]

You aren't being too harsh. You weren't an idiot for having believed that he could change and giving him chances to do so. Yes, he needs help...and you gave him ample opportunity to get that help, with you there for support. He didn't.

To my way of thinking, deciding to leave now says that you have an intact sense of self esteem...despite the way he treated you...and a strong sense of self preservation. I know it's a total cliché, but you have to take care of yourself first or you're no use to anyone, including yourself. You're taking steps toward doing that and you should be proud of your strength.

But living there? A cardboard box under the bridge would be preferable. No, seriously, can you look into finding a roommate or some sort of temporary living situation? You're not going to start the healing process with him underfoot.

I wish you the best in dealing with this, please come back and talk more as things evolve...and BTW, welcome to the forum...

Thank you for replying and the welcome, I really appreciate it. I think what I'm doing is right but my biggest concern is that it may not be what I want. My first reaction when I calmed down was to think, "I'll give him one more chance" but how many times will I say that - am I just scared of being alone? Probably.

Regarding moving out, unfortunately we have a fixed term tenancy agreement that runs out in November which I can't afford to exit. One of our neighbours is our friend though so I hope he can move there for a bit, even if its just temporary.

[20113]

Of course you still have feelings for him, you were with him for years. It takes awhile before that kind of feeling fades. It will take even longer since you aren't able to live separately.

Were you wrong in your actions? That's up to you. You've clearly decided what you can and cannot live with regarding the parameters of what you want in your relationship. And you have, it seems, had this discussion (this fight) more than once. You've made your wishes known. On the surface I can't really see that you've done anything "wrong".

I'd ask if these confrontations with him were good discussions, a real dialogue between the two of you, or was it more assigning blame and him hanging his head in shame? If you can have an honest discussion that doesn't start with the anger of emotional betrayal as its beginning then maybe the two of you can communicate more clearly. If you can both define the terms with what you want out of your relationship, set rules, be unconditional honest with one another, and work at keeping the communication open and easy to access by not hanging fear of argument as a consequence, your relationship will have better footing.

As I've said, I don't think you've done anything wrong really. If you want to be in a monogamous relationship and he either doesn't, or can't, then you're at a dead end. You might want to see if he will consider counseling. If he has a sex addiction (which is a real condition) and genuinely wants to understand it and seek help, the two of you may have some hope of salvaging your years together. That kind of thing takes dedication and dead honesty on his part. It takes knowing that, like most other people trying to quit an addiction, he's going to screw up. It's easy to fall back on old habits especially under stress. His screwing up isn't a free pass cheat either. Sometimes you have to acknowledge that someone with a sex addiction is going to mess up. If you see signs of that happening screw the benefit of the doubt and talk about it. Not yell, not accuse, but figure out what he's not coping with and find a solution.

In the end walking away from a relationship that's lasted for years is never easy. Worse if you can't physically leave because you're financing a home together, or are in a lease (neither of which is easy to break without damaging your credit score, let alone the financial expense). The best advice is to leave as soon as possible. Living with him will only serve to fester hate between the two of you. You'll have this "thing" between you that you can't make work, yet are slapped with in the face each time you see one another. Healing and moving on in a healthy way won't be possible easily.

Check your area for gay crisis helplines. Crisis helplines often have resources, or at a minimum suggestive courses of action, that will help you either find the counseling you probably both need or separate from him cleanly.

Best of luck sweetpea.

Thank for you replying, again I appreciate the support.

The first and second times we spoke without anger. Both times I was alone when I found out and have sufficiently calmed down by the time he got back. It was only the most recent event where I found out whilst he was in the next room that I was angry. When it first happened and I spoke to him he didn't seem to see it as cheating and said it didn't mean anything, which based on the initial messages I could sort of see as he was using it as interactive porn.

I said that I did see it as cheating and that if he hadn't why hadn't he told me about it? We were open enough that he knew I occasionally watched porn. He didn't have an answer really but it became somewhat more obvious why when I found the more personal messages.

I probably did do a lot of blaming. He hasn't ever really offered me anything in the way of dialogue, I've had to dig what I do know out by creating the questions for him to answer. If I didn't speak we would have sat in silence. I'd asked if it's something they're offering that I'm not. If he's happy. If he wants to be together.

He always responded that he was the happiest he'd ever been, that our life was perfect, he wanted to be with me forever and that our sex life was great - which isn't much to go on when looking for something to improve.

I think that I need to walk away from being in this sort of a relationship with him. I know it's not good for me, I have compulsions and anxieties that have gotten worse over the last few months.

We've been friends since I was 16, which we have agreed to remain, and I will help him as a friend get through his issues if he wants.

I know I need to leave and I will as soon as I can, I've been with him almost all of my adult life and I am in a way looking forward to being an individual for the first time, which is probably not the best way of describing what I'm feeling but I'm at a loss as how else to word it.

[Virge]

I'm not even going to read the comments others have already written. I'll get back to them later.

Here's how it is 20113. I read to the word 'Skype' then went into scanning mode for key words ... 'boyfriends account'..... 'chat history'.... 'I managed to check his phone'.... 'grindr, hornet, scruff, his txts and whatsapp'.... 'nude pictures'.... 'When I spoke (shouted)'.....

I've been a member here in GS for 13 months... just as an observation I'd estimate there are at least three new members a month who join GS with the same basic story as you've written. Two possible conclusions here.

1. This endlessly repetitive scenario represents a sincere plague in gay life world wide
2. It's just someone practicing his creative writing skills from his basement.
Based on my own relationship (almost 8 yrs now) and our experiences with social media I'm addressing # 1.

We quit all social media except with immediate family about 4 years ago because of this type shit. Since then we've taken it further. Neither of us reply to chatter texts... family and friends who text just to text. Nightly household ritual here now.... He comes in the door takes my phone and turns it off. He hands me his phone so I can screen his calls for the night.

I'm not trying to beat you down on this but next time you'll accomplish more if you approach discussing a problem until you've calmed down enough to not scream about it.

And if all of this was going on between the two of you (and whatever else you've left unsaid) it sounds like both of you have some serious issues to work through... honesty and trust are at the top of the list.

[Rareboy]

Well....it is over.

Time to be as rational and adult about it as possible. It is a shame that it all fell apart, but better now than another 10 years from now.

You are doing the right thing by being as sane and reasonable about this as you can and offering to stand by him as a friend. Hopefully he will realize what a putz he's been and will change for his next bf...but I think you've put up with more than enough of this shit.

Get out there and find someone who won't cheat on you.

[jimcrackcorn]

I like that your boyfriend told you why he was misbehaving. He said he"craved the attention"

Most people in relationships don't fully understand why one is playing around on Dating Apps, or going out to gay bars on their own. Most of the time it is to get "attention". They find it exhilarating to have a stranger admire them, pay attention to them, buy them drinks, etc. And yes, most of them do this when they are drinking alcohol!!!.. In most cases, they do not have sex with any of their admirers, they just want the attention which makes them feel special, needed, and desirable.

If you are sure your boyfriend isn't having sex with any of these people, then there is a chance you can turn it around. Seek professional counseling. Couples counseling may be all you need to get back on the right track.

If your relationship is good in all other respects, then I would suggest you don't give up yet. There's still hope if he can overcome his need to find validation by getting admiration, desirableness, etc from strangers....

Sincerely,
Jim

[Jman55]

I gotta say man, your situation sounds exactly the same as with my ex only we only dated for a 1yr and 7mths. I would catch him on dating sites as well as Craigslist looking for guys to hook up with while I visited my Family in another state. He would make up excuses for himself and say that he wouldn't do it again. Then the next time the same thing would happen and this went on for months. Also the same where if I didn't ask questions, he wouldn't say anything. I would have to dig into it myself or I wouldn't get answers. After 6 times of this happening( yes I know I am stupid for still going on in the relationship) I broke up with him, and now I am still stuck living with him for sorta the same reasons. It hurt, allot, I spent nights and nights crying and he begged for me to come back.

-You have to stay strong and avoid fighting with him.
- If he really does have an addiction then maybe, just maybe you have a chance but you have to tell him if he doesn't get help then it's over. He needs therapy, maybe even couples therapy.
-If he is willing there is actually a function that you can put parental controls on his phone so he is not tempted to download those apps(sounds childish but if it helps it helps).

Good luck!

[20113]

Okay, so something Steve said really got me thinking.

Before seeking your advice I hadn't considered that he might have an addiction to the attention he was getting and that this was just a slip up on his road to recovery.

So on Sunday night when he came back from a friends we sat and talked for a long time. The end result is that we are going to try and be a couple again. In all other aspects of our relationship we work perfectly and neither of us wants to give it up.

I've looked into counselling and he has agreed to go and speak with someone and I've agreed to join him in any of his sessions if he wants me there.

I can only thank you all. You've allowed me to see through my anger and while I don't think I'll ever forgive him I'm working to understand our problems.