Hey everyone, so in early April i ended a long term relationship. I immediately jumped into a friends with benefits relationship with guy 1. He was lovely but explained to me from the get go to not get attached. He isn't out. He's 32, i'm 20. He was with a guy for 5 years and his ex is a complete psycho. Trashed his house and tried to out him on many occasions which i'm completely against! But of course, 2 months later i got attached. I asked him if he was seeing anyone else and he told me that i was clearly looking more out of this than he was and that if he was with anyone else he wouldn't feel guilty.
That made me take a big step back from him, so i went on to date someone else.
Guy 2. He is lovely, sweet, attentive, caring and all around great guy. He's 24. He is out and wants a relationship. He told me he was looking to settle down. He was worried about me moving away as he wouldn't get to see me as much. He still messages one of his ex's dads and he lives with another ex which is super weird. I've met the ex he lives with though. He even said he wanted me to meet his family. I only came out about 3 weeks ago. And things are moving really fast with him and i'm not sure it's what i want. I've been seeing him now for over a 6 weeks.
Over the last 2 weeks, Guy 1 noticed i had been distant from him and called me out on it. I told him we needed to talk. So three weeks ago i went to his house and we talked. I planned on ending it with him. He cooked me dinner, we got on like usual and then we sat down to talk. I told him how strong i felt for him and that i had for a while. He told me he really cared about me too and didn't want to lose me but he said he knows he would hurt me in the long run. He understood if i needed to end things. He then broke down and I cuddled him. As we lay there i told him about guy 2 and he understood. He said he regretted the things he said that night about not feeling guilty. I then told him i loved him, and he told me he loved me too. He agreed to try to do more with me like go on dates but he doesn't know about the future. He told me to keep talking to Guy 2 so i can make a decision based on liking both of them.
This is where i stand now. I know i love Guy 1. I really really do.v 2 nights ago he said he is starting to see us as in a relationship and he spoiled me for my birthday. There is a 12 year age gap between us but that doesn't matter. I love him. However i don't know if we have a future and i don't know if he will hurt me.
Guy 2 is caring, talks to me all day, considerate. He has stood me up a few times but apart from that he wants to give me all his spare time and even wants to introduce me to his family. I know he is the sensible option and the safe one but i don't think the connection is there as strong as Guy 1. My head tells me to go with Guy 2, my heart tells me to go with Guy 1.
I'm torn between both and the longer i stay seeing both my feelings for both grow. Advice please because i'm not a cheater and don't want to be seen as one?
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Truthfully, you probably won't end up with either of them. I think its a reality you have probably shoved to the back of your mind, but they say 'when you know they know'. Old sayings become old sayings for a reason. If you loved either of them, surely they'd be no contest?
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That's the thing. I don't know which. I do love Guy 1 but I want to go on dates, i want to be able to see him whenever i want. That means i should go for Guy 2 right? But I love Guy 1 and the thought of him with someone else kills me. It makes me feel physically sick thinking of him looking at someone the way he looks at me. Guy 2 I really really really like. But I find him a bit boring when we're together. He's great to text and all but to be with in his company. I'm so confused.
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I'd listen to what the older guy is saying to you with his words and with his actions. It sounds like he changed his tune a bit when you started putting distance between you and he was in danger of losing his fuck buddy. But he has warned you that he could be trouble. That doesn't mean the other guy is ideal for you either, but you don't know him as long or as well either. Maybe you are in too much of a hurry with both of them?
Just out of curiosity, how long were you with the guy you broke up with in April? You are only 20
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I know but Guy 1 has promised me he loves me. He knows i'm a worrier and I have trust issues. I like to think he wouldn't hurt me like that if he was just using me.
The person i was with before was actually a girl. I have always had stronger feelings for men. I'm bisexual but 85% men and the latter is women. I was in a relationship with her for a year and 8 months. She was very controlling and when we split it was like a taste of freedom
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you definitely need to get to know them better, and start dating one at a time, and maybe have one as a friend. your mind needs to be clear too, like what are you looking for in a relationship, if you know what you are looking for, then be honest with yourself, and you will be able to make a decision, it will be a tough one, but it has to be done, because the longer this carries on, the more likely it is for someone or even everyone to get hurt, and the confusion will grow worse, forcing you to make terrible decisions.
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I feel like the worst person in the world. I really do care about both these guys. But I hate cheaters and i don't want to end up that way. I want to ask Guy 2 to just be friends and i mean it when i say friends. I want to be his friend but i'm scared of losing him. When i told Guy 1 originally about Guy 2, 1 said he would be my friend if that's what i wanted but he would kick Guy 2's ass if he ever hurt me.
But i don't know. I'm such a clingy person naturally and having two people and being clingy is self-destructive.
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You're in a pit of drama you've created for yourself but you don't see that yet. None of this is going to work out the ways you fantasize. There's fantasy and there's reality. Anytime the two of them happen to turn out resembling each other it's pure coincidence.
Plus you don't sound mature enough for a solid relationship.
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Let me boil down the meat from the bone of the issue as quickly as possible. Right now I'm going to try to ignore the numerous white hot molten lava flags that ripped up from the poorly firing synapses and gray matter of my tiny mind that your post tripped as I read it.
Ok, it sounds like you love bachelor number 1, but you're afraid that since he's not out that he'll only hurt you in the long run. Since his last significant other couldn't pull his butt out of the closet to the point of saving that relationship, you're correctly worrying for your heart and that if you invest more time and feeling in him he's only going to turn your brown eyes blue. He's sorry, he's emotional, his love is deeper than the night, he's had the time of his life and now is attempting to reassure you (it seems) that he will be your bridge over troubled water and ray of light in the future. The actions and words he has spoken only seem to happen when you tell him how you feel and that there is another guy in the picture who doesn't have all his hang ups. Although he reassures of his feelings time after time, you're still feeling like he's going to take the next big yellow taxi and shout bye bye love out the window as he rolls away from the house on the street where you live.
Meanwhile, within the space of a few short weeks bachelor number 2, a man doused in sunshine, lollypops and rainbows, has decided you're the one that he wants. He wants to whisk you home to meet mama, capture your likeness next to his in BPA hardened plastic and place you on the seventh layer of heaven wedding cake because he loves you. He honestly loves you.
Now you're well and truly verklempt. Torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool. Lovin' both of them is breaking all the rules.
That's the long and short of it, yes?
Now let me make a few observations and ask you some questions that you may (or may not) want to mull over in your confusion.
All this days of our lives drama has popped up in only five months (and I'm being generous in terms of time since you said you ended your last relationship in April and today is the last day of July). You wrote that you made a jump to your left, into a that's what friends are for with benefits relationship faster than Caitlyn could raid Kim's closet for a fabulous frock by Cavalli.
I want you to really think about how quickly your emotional roller coaster has left the main platform (the guy you left back in April), and returned with bachelor number 1 slumped in the first car wearing dark sunglasses and a nondescript hoodie. In terms of human emotional response it was faster than the Coney Island Cyclone. Then, without resolving your feelings for the hapless trapped in the closet case, you shot off the your platform of single guy barely out of an old relationship again and returned with the I'm ready to have your baby guy waving a wedding ring at you from the second car, his ex boyfriend crouched down next to him. One of them is emotionally passive aggressive, wanting you only when no one else is looking and able to love you only when balled up in emotional wreckage because another guy is threatening to take you away. The other is a ready made, fresh from the package instant relationship, seemingly offering you a rock solid relationship complete with loving in-laws, just add commitment. Never mind that he isn't still steeping in the broth of his last instant cream of relationship.
Think about it. Both of these guys and the steamer trunks of luggage they're dragging to your doorstep are almost polar opposites. No matter what he is saying to your tear stained face my friend, guy number 1 may think that he wants you, but you can't have him because in the end his mind is a mess and he won't let you have him, let alone have him forever. Guy number 2 loves you immediately, is there for the taking, but you don't really want him. Barely knowing you now, guy number 2 wants to start the perfect life with you whether you want him or not, and wants you in his life as soon as possible, the cost of the love boat being the Costa Concordia left without thought.
It smacks of "I want what I can't have, and what I can have I don't want".
You're moving too fast. Have you ever spent more than a month alone? Strike that, even if you have spent time alone, are you comfortable being alone? Are you comfortable enough being alone that it wouldn't bother you if you never found the guy of your dreams? That you could lead a productive happy life all on your own without the need of someone by your side?
Yes love is a many splendored thing. And by love I mean the kind of emotion that doesn't abandon you the moment it hits a rough spot, but that you're both willing to fight for tooth and nail to make work. If you're really going to invest your heart in another person, make sure he's the kind of person who's ready to fight as hard to be at your side as you are to be at his. I have a hard time believing if you really understand that what sometimes passes for love is only a strongly felt want which keeps you high on the crest of a joyous emotional wave that happens when you first meet a guy and the incredible fun you have with him makes your heart shine brighter than Doris Day. You have to understand that your heart will go on, that love keeps steady after that wave has crashed to the shore and your feelings will remain strong even if your relationship scraps at the sandy bottom here and there as time goes by.
Being in love and holding a relationship together is seldom easy. If you were really in love you would know which of these men you're interested in was the one you love. It wouldn't be a question, you'd be sure.
Sincerely, with your best interest at heart, if I had to be absolute and make a choice I'd say neither of these men is right for you at this point in your life. Take some time to be on your own and figure out what you want in life. After that it won't be a question of which one. Only one will do.
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I have to agree with some of the other guys' responses in regard to the fact that you are fantasizing about something that is not going to happen. I just feel that number one...when a guy tells you from the get go not to get attached ....then if you do...it's all on you...you can't expect someone to give you something that they do not want to give. Number 2...maybe this is just me though because I am always suspicious when a guy is still living with his ex. I just feel that if a relationship is over and done then you should do everything possible to steer away from the situation altogether...again...just my opinion on this. All in all...it seems that you are wishing on a hope and a dream for something to materialize in your favor that in reality...it doesn't appear to be the case.
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