my mother makes me feel terrible

[Anonymous]

hello,

my mother is very controlling, very cleany and wants everything to happen her way, even if it doesn't involve her, for example I was making dinner for myelf, not her as she ate somewhere else, SHE always eats gravy with it, I decided not to make it because I didn't like it and she got infuriated that I did not make it, like she was REEALLY angry I did not make my own food exactly how she makes it, she eventually started ignoring me for asking why I have to make it her way.

another example, she comes home, doesn't say hello and instantly starts criticizing and nagging at me, the floor still has X on it, the dishes aren't that clean, you still didn't do X, you didn't properly do Y and on and on and on.

I'm 21 yet I'm not allowed to do ANYTHING my own way because if I do she gets incredibly mad, and while she has never hit me, I HAVE seen her hit my brother who is 3 years older then me and already out of the house.and because of that I'm too afraid to speak-up as she might hit me as well.

she just nags and criticizes and bitches at me everyday, NOTHING i do is good enough, doesn't even believe me when I do something.

furthermore I have autism, she knows that, she also knows I HATE being touched, like it makes me feel awful if someone touches me and yet she just keeps touching me, as in touch my arms, my head ect ect, and weirdest of all she sometimes slaps my butt for some random reason, her touching me feels so awful I get the feeling to wanting to punch her in the face.

I've thought about running away, I've thought about killing myself but unfortunately if I do that I will abandon my dog and 2 rabbits and my mother cannot be trusted with animals, no one in my family can really.

and then there's the final problem of my entire family being racist, found a awesome guy who compliments me but my family hate him because he's egyptian and thus not caucasian, they keep saying ''why don't you look for someone else'' ESPECIALLY my mother, and because his family's muslim she all of a sudden thinks me having a beard means I'm turning muslim like wth.

all in all this just makes me feel terrible, I'm already taking anti depressants due to the stress and bullying and no friends from school and all that shit and it was going better but now it's gotten way worse again and I just don't know what to do

[Lexington]

Why are you living there again?

Lex

[jaxc]

hello,

my mother is very controlling, very cleany and wants everything to happen her way, even if it doesn't involve her, for example I was making dinner for myelf, not her as she ate somewhere else, SHE always eats gravy with it, I decided not to make it because I didn't like it and she got infuriated that I did not make it, like she was REEALLY angry I did not make my own food exactly how she makes it, she eventually started ignoring me for asking why I have to make it her way.

another example, she comes home, doesn't say hello and instantly starts criticizing and nagging at me, the floor still has X on it, the dishes aren't that clean, you still didn't do X, you didn't properly do Y and on and on and on.

I'm 21 yet I'm not allowed to do ANYTHING my own way because if I do she gets incredibly mad, and while she has never hit me, I HAVE seen her hit my brother who is 3 years older then me and already out of the house.and because of that I'm too afraid to speak-up as she might hit me as well.

she just nags and criticizes and bitches at me everyday, NOTHING i do is good enough, doesn't even believe me when I do something.

furthermore I have autism, she knows that, she also knows I HATE being touched, like it makes me feel awful if someone touches me and yet she just keeps touching me, as in touch my arms, my head ect ect, and weirdest of all she sometimes slaps my butt for some random reason, her touching me feels so awful I get the feeling to wanting to punch her in the face.

I've thought about running away, I've thought about killing myself but unfortunately if I do that I will abandon my dog and 2 rabbits and my mother cannot be trusted with animals, no one in my family can really.

and then there's the final problem of my entire family being racist, found a awesome guy who compliments me but my family hate him because he's egyptian and thus not caucasian, they keep saying ''why don't you look for someone else'' ESPECIALLY my mother, and because his family's muslim she all of a sudden thinks me having a beard means I'm turning muslim like wth.

all in all this just makes me feel terrible, I'm already taking anti depressants due to the stress and bullying and no friends from school and all that shit and it was going better but now it's gotten way worse again and I just don't know what to do

Just leave! See if you can shack up with your boyfriend for a little while until you get your own place, or even see if you can live with your brother, he should be somewhat empathetic to what you"re going through since he lived with the same women. Or, stand up to her and defend you"re self, tell her straight up that you aren't going tolerate her bullshit anymore! and if she even tries to hit you, call the cops and let her ass stay in jail. No matter what you do, you have to do something, cause things aren't going to get better if you just let her treat you this way, and because i can see it coming a mile away, if she tries to play the "I brought you into this world" or "All the things i done for you" card, remember, you didn't ask to be brought into this world, and you"re not obligated in any sense to "recuperate" her for fulfilling HER parental obligations, and she defiantly doesn't have the right to treat you(or anyone else) the way she does.
Also, out of curiosity, you mentioned that the person you"re seeing has a muslim family, as far as you know, are they okay with your boyfriends homosexuality? not that it should be their business, just curious.

[himself]

I would tell you to just snap and start screaming at her, "SHUT THE FUCK UP." Now, in film and TV, that would result in your mother 'admiring your spunk' and, as a result, she would afford you the respect you deserve. In a more realistic situation, she'd probably just start crying so maybe that wouldn't be a good idea.

I don't know how you already react to your mother's outbursts, but I would probably try not to react to it. If you remain calm while she is shouting, she might start to realise that she is the one who is throwing a tantrum. On the other hand, she might just become more desperate to get a reaction out of you.

I suppose it isn't that easy to just move out. As you say, apart from your boyfriend, you have no friends. That's not a very big support network. Also, I know that some autistic people need familiarity / safety / regularity. I don't know if that is the case with you but, if it is, it might not be so simple to just leave home.

[East]

You are halfway there already...you are not pretending she is anything but what she is...congratulations....

Now..you have to separate. Think about how animals do this...they raise their young..their young leave...that's it....their job is done. Humans have all these fucking rules about how things "should" be and they involve guilt and shame and humiliation a lot of times when you are supposed to "keep family close"...FUCK THAT BULLSHIT....you need to leave this woman in the dust...

Thank her for raising you..then move away..change your number...and wash your hands of her. She doesn't respect you...so respect yourself....

The racist thing...unacceptable IMO....

I wish you luck. Most people don't have the guts to leave and instead drown themselves in drama and bullshit...self medicate....lifelong internal turmoil...just to live up to some image of what "family" means.

Divorce them...live your life.

[James]

How old are you again? From 18 to 21 fought on foreign soil, came back to people calling me traitor, baby killer, spit on, told "we wish you had died". Everything in perspective, think you should man up, James

[Anocxu]

Get back to us when you become a man.

Wouldn't it be easier not to post or point the opening poster in the right direction?
I mean after all he is asking for advice..

[Anocxu]

There is absolutely no point giving you a hard time in this thread when you are already having a hard time at home...

So it's time to plot your way out.

Are you employed?

What is your educational background?

Tell us about the severity of your autism..
Will you be able to live on your own successfully?

Learning to stand up to your parents is not easy ..
It's very clear you show her respect but she has to do the same for you..

Whatever you do ..
Do not disrespect your mother...

[Anonymous]

Get back to us when you become a man.

I already am a man, I didn't change my gender or anything I'm born male so I already am a man. I searched up the definition of ''man'' as well and as far as I can tell I'm a man

Why are you living there again?

Lex

because I do not have the money to move out, and I'm not sure if I can live on my own.

Just leave! See if you can shack up with your boyfriend for a little while until you get your own place, or even see if you can live with your brother, he should be somewhat empathetic to what you"re going through since he lived with the same women. Or, stand up to her and defend you"re self, tell her straight up that you aren't going tolerate her bullshit anymore! and if she even tries to hit you, call the cops and let her ass stay in jail. No matter what you do, you have to do something, cause things aren't going to get better if you just let her treat you this way, and because i can see it coming a mile away, if she tries to play the "I brought you into this world" or "All the things i done for you" card, remember, you didn't ask to be brought into this world, and you"re not obligated in any sense to "recuperate" her for fulfilling HER parental obligations, and she defiantly doesn't have the right to treat you(or anyone else) the way she does.
Also, out of curiosity, you mentioned that the person you"re seeing has a muslim family, as far as you know, are they okay with your boyfriends homosexuality? not that it should be their business, just curious.

well my boyfriend's family doesn't know he's gay and his family would most likely kick him out of the house if they found out so that's unfortunately not a option.

the problem is my brother lives with my father and he and I are complete opposites of each other, and my father and brother being who they are I would probably feel just as awful.

I don't want to disrespect my mother though, and the extremely rare times I do try to talk about it she talks about me not loving her any more and all that and I just feel terrible for making her feel like that.

and I don't think I could ever forgive myself if I put my mother in jail.

I would tell you to just snap and start screaming at her, "SHUT THE FUCK UP." Now, in film and TV, that would result in your mother 'admiring your spunk' and, as a result, she would afford you the respect you deserve. In a more realistic situation, she'd probably just start crying so maybe that wouldn't be a good idea.

I don't know how you already react to your mother's outbursts, but I would probably try not to react to it. If you remain calm while she is shouting, she might start to realise that she is the one who is throwing a tantrum. On the other hand, she might just become more desperate to get a reaction out of you.

I suppose it isn't that easy to just move out. As you say, apart from your boyfriend, you have no friends. That's not a very big support network. Also, I know that some autistic people need familiarity / safety / regularity. I don't know if that is the case with you but, if it is, it might not be so simple to just leave home.

I just nod and agree with what she's saying to avoid conflicts but she still continues nagging at me and all that, and on the rare occasions I do go against what she wants she gets angry and ignores me or walks away and then I feel bad.

I get uncomfortable, anxious and generally feel unwell if I'm in unknown places, though eventually I do want to live on my own so I will have to deal with it some day

You are halfway there already...you are not pretending she is anything but what she is...congratulations....

Now..you have to separate. Think about how animals do this...they raise their young..their young leave...that's it....their job is done. Humans have all these fucking rules about how things "should" be and they involve guilt and shame and humiliation a lot of times when you are supposed to "keep family close"...FUCK THAT BULLSHIT....you need to leave this woman in the dust...

Thank her for raising you..then move away..change your number...and wash your hands of her. She doesn't respect you...so respect yourself....

The racist thing...unacceptable IMO....

I wish you luck. Most people don't have the guts to leave and instead drown themselves in drama and bullshit...self medicate....lifelong internal turmoil...just to live up to some image of what "family" means.

Divorce them...live your life.

it's why I'm saving money so I can eventually live on my own however before I have enough money it will probably take a year and that's quite a long time.

How old are you again? From 18 to 21 fought on foreign soil, came back to people calling me traitor, baby killer, spit on, told "we wish you had died". Everything in perspective, think you should man up, James

what does it mean to ''man up''? I don't understand

There is absolutely no point giving you a hard time in this thread when you are already having a hard time at home...

So it's time to plot your way out.

Are you employed?

What is your educational background?

Tell us about the severity of your autism..
Will you be able to live on your own successfully?

Learning to stand up to your parents is not easy ..
It's very clear you show her respect but she has to do the same for you..

Whatever you do ..
Do not disrespect your mother...

not employed but I am searching for a job, though autism is making it more difficult to find a job unfortunately.

I've completed education for ICT, don't know how to call it because in the netherlands educations have different names.

I've got classic autism and have allot of trouble with sounds, sudden changes, socializing, there's probably more but I'm not very good at describing myself.
I'm not sure about that actually though I am looking for cheap houses to live on my own in.

I try to never insult or disrespect her, we never really have fights because I keep everything to myself because I hate fights, I used to hear my mother and brother fight everyday and it caused me to have a depression as well.

[Anocxu]

No. His 'point' is that he wants to whine about his mother and not take personal responsibility. He's looking for sympathy.

So we give him advice anyway..