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Should I continue to pursue my friend?
#1
Hi guys and gals,

I find myself in a dilemma and I need some different perspectives. If you could help it would be much appreciated.

I've had a quiet crush on a friend of mine since I met him and I've always suspected it might of been reciprocal. I met him through a friend and the three of us would always hang out together. He would drop comments every now and then which made me think he was interested and then he asked me out for the dinner just the two of us. I wasn't sure if the dinner was just two friends hanging out or something more. At dinner he told me that our other friend had known we were going for dinner and wanted to come along but he said he wanted to spend time with me alone, so I thought 'huh, interesting.'

Anyway we had a great dinner and went for cocktails afterwards and got drunk. We stayed out until 6am and ended the night sat on a wall talking for an hour about past romantic relationships we have had. He dropped a strange comment about timing in relationships that I felt was directed at me but didn't really understand. We finished the talk and hugged for a really long time and went our separate ways.

I sent him a text saying that I had a great night and that we should hang out just the two of us again, he responded that he'd love to. A week later we made plans to go out again. We did the same as the time before, dinner, cocktails and a club. We were walking back from the club when he asked if I wanted to come back to his so we could keep chatting. I accepted and we walked back to his. He lives in student halls so his room is just a desk and a bed so we're led on his bed chatting when he leans over and kisses me, I kiss him back and he pulls me on top of him and starts to undress me. I stop him and tell him I think it's best if we don't do this as we're both drunk. He agrees and suggests we just cuddle. I offer to leave but he tells me he wants me to stay.

I spend the morning led next to him, not being able to sleep, wondering what all this means. When he wakes, I ask him if he wants to talk about what happened and he seems a little unsure. I tell him that I've had a crush on him, which he seemed genuinely surprised about. I asked him if he wants to start dating but he says he's worried to do that. He tells me that me and our other friend are the only true friends he has had since moving to the city, that he doesn't want to risk us falling out as friends if we date and it doesn't work out. I reassure him that would never happen, that he'll always have a friend in me, which is true, I've never fallen out with an ex boyfriend and still talk to all my ex boyfriends, our mutual friend is an ex boyfriend of mine.

He tells me that his last relationship ended badly. That his ex had HIV and knowingly slept with him without using a condom or informing him that he was positive. I know all this obviously, as he came over mine freaking out at the time and I went with him to the clinic. He didn't know his boyfriend already knew he was positive at the time and they tried to keep things going between them but then when he discovered that his boyfriend already knew but didn't tell him he felt betrayed and couldn't trust him anymore and ended the relationship. His boyfriend got upset and said some very cruel things to him, he didn't expect that and he said he doesn't want to go through it again. He then mentions the thing about it being bad timing.

I say I understand, that I appreciate him being honest. We lay on the bed in each others arms for a while longer and talk a little more about relationships. He has to get ready for work, so I say goodbye and we stand and hug each other for a really long time again and I go home.

The thing is, I'm confused as hell now. I really want to date him and see where it goes. We both agree that we have a real connection and I'm fairly certain from my end that things won't end badly if we don't work out as a couple but at the same time I don't want to be pushy and frighten him off. I'm having dinner with him again next week and I really want to talk to him more about it and try and convince him to give it a shot but another part of me thinks that maybe I shouldn't push it if he's not ready or perhaps he's just giving me an excuse and he's not really that interested and I'm not getting the hint. I also worry that if I don't try and talk to him about it, even if he changes his mind he'll fear approaching me about it as he's already turned the idea down once before.

Do you guys think I should I pursue him or should I wait until he's ready? Am I kidding myself and should I just try and forget about it and move on?

Thanks in advance xxx
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#2
I'll just describe my recent experience like this one, but as your friend, not you. After getting out of a relationship I changed my profile to single and looking for friends. Basically saying I don't want a relationship. I'm still not looking now as I want to be stable financially on my own. It's been about a year since this has happened. Anyways. Less than a week of changing my status (remember I changed it almost immideatly) a guy started talking to me. We got to talking a lot and we eventually hung out. The third time we hung out he tried to kiss me as I left. I told him no and then left. We had a chat about it the next day. I reminded him that I wasn't looking for a relationship. I still think this guy is awesome to hang out, and maybe there is something there. I don't know, but I have my reasons for staying single. Well we were talking recently and something came up which brought my attention that he still likes me. He respects that I want to get on my own, but the feelings are still there. He's moving to the other side of the country soon for school which makes me glad that we didn't start anything, no one got hurt. Give him some time and talk about it again if you still like him. Some people need time, like I currently do.

I don't know if this story helps or even relates, but I think it's a similar situation from the other perspective. Also he says that he doesn't have too many friends, maybe try and form a larger group of friends he can trust. Try and stay away from your exes though, they could steal him away from you, maybe some straight friends if you have them.
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#3
The guy said no. He said no nicely, but no is still no.

Not taking no for an answer often works well in business, but rarely turns out well in interpersonal relationships.

Don't push.
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#4
if he's the real deal, then don't give up on him. if he wants to take things a bit more slowly right now, take it slowly. things will unfold naturally on their own, they already have. you two can barely keep your hands to yourself when left alone. there's sexual tension there, and it will find its outlet sooner or later.

for now, just be his friend and let things unfold naturally.
''Do I look civilized to you?''
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#5
Ok, thanks guys. I'll just leave it then and see if anything develops over time.

I'd rather have him in my life as a friend than risk frightening him away anyhow.
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#6
He started to undress you. Not the other way round, and you put a stop to it for good reasons, since you weren't drunk enough to let your inhibitions down. And I guess you were a gentleman. It's probably a good thing.

Are you against sex without an official relationship? Would it ruin it for you? There is such a notion as 'friends with benefits'. In my experience men often like to have sex first before they start a serious relationship, but maybe that's not you.

Three meals together and long chats afterwards is beginning to look like dating to me. But call it what you will. You can take things slowly, or you can fall under his charm, but still, be prepared and make sure you have protection until you have both checked your statuses.
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#7
princealbertofb Wrote:Are you against sex without an official relationship? Would it ruin it for you? There is such a notion as 'friends with benefits'. In my experience men often like to have sex first before they start a serious relationship, but maybe that's not you.

I'm not against sex without a relationship generally. I think I stopped it because he's a friend. If it was a stranger I'd hooked up with then I wouldn't be bothered as it would have just been a bit of casual fun.

I'm already emotionally invested in this guy, we have a history and because of the previous flirtation leading up to the moment, at the time it just felt like having sex with him would have largely complicated matters and until we were more clear about each others motivations I felt it would have been a mistake to go along with it.

'Friends with benefits' just doesn't work for me and I have tried. I'm fine with casual hookups but any prolonged relationship with somebody becomes predominately emotional for me. Sex with somebody I have built a relationship up with is like the icing on the cake, something extra on top of something more fundamentally important. I guess that's why I don't have a specific type when it comes to sexual partners.
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#8
I am caught between the "no means no"...and the plan of pursuing him if you are feeling it.....

The reason why?...Well...I think he might be in a scary place inside due to the nature of the betrayal he experienced..and his "no" might be a defense mechanism which is confirmed in my mind by the actions he took which are in direct opposition to what he said...but normally..I would go with the "no is no" path....

So...my final answer...thankfully enough people break rules when it is required....and only you know if it is or not....so good luck either way....

...and even if you make a mistake...would it be worth it?
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#9
East Wrote:I am caught between the "no means no"...and the plan of pursuing him if you are feeling it.....

The reason why?...Well...I think he might be in a scary place inside due to the nature of the betrayal he experienced..and his "no" might be a defense mechanism which is confirmed in my mind by the actions he took which are in direct opposition to what he said...but normally..I would go with the "no is no" path....

So...my final answer...thankfully enough people break rules when it is required....and only you know if it is or not....so good luck either way....

...and even if you make a mistake...would it be worth it?
[MENTION=21237]darren23a[/MENTION], I would even reword this question :
wouldn't it be worth it?
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#10
@darren23a, thank you for your reply. I am often surprised that people can do hookups and think nothing more of it, but if they know a person, then that person suddenly becomes more real, more human, less like 'meat'. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you're taking your hookups for just 'meat', but I still feel a bit of disconnect about it. Maybe it's just me. I have never done hookups, so I don't know what I'm talking about, most probably.

I guess what you're really saying is that now he's a 'friend', there is definitely more there to lose (especially his company and friendship) should anything go wrong sexually, in the relationship once sexualised. However, the fact that he felt in the mood to do something sensually, emotionally, sexually with you the other day, means he's ready to have some kind of relationship. I don't think it would have been a hookup, for he too knows you as a 'friend'.

You were the wise one in realising that this might be more important, and I hope the two of you can talk it out, so you can see where you go from there. We all have our failings and shortcomings, but learning to deal with them is certainly an adult thing to do. I'm glad you were sensitive and considerate, not only to your needs but also to his.
Consideration and respect are a good basis for a strong relationship, the sort you crave.
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