39 and still virgin, need help to sort the mess in my brain

[Aquarius]

Hello, I'm a new user from Germany, hope my English will be good enough.

In short, I am a 39 years old guy, I'm out to family and friends for nearly half my life, have a lot of gay friends, but I still had no sex or a relationship. I have solved a lot of my issues recently, but still need some support on my way to actual sexuality or romance.

So you might wonder what the hell is wrong with me. A lot of things, I guess. Where to begin? :-|

In my early and mid twenties, I had a few dates, I had my first kiss by the age of 23, but I felt it was wrong, as I didn't feel anything for the guy, not even sexual interest. I just thought I had to check this off my list, but it felt wrong, so I told to myself not to repeat the same mistake with my first sex. I only wanted sex with someone I was actually attracted to and felt well with.

Well, in the upcoming years, I didn't meet anyone that I had a mutual interest with. Back then, I was still shy and suffered from depressions. At 25, I was already aware that I'm very late to this. I had major inferiority issues, considered myself ugly, already felt that I probably am scared of sex, and eventually gave up.

It's horrible for me to write the next lines, but it's inevitable to explain why it's become an even bigger issue. I was 26, when on one day, I experimented with my penis, with the aim to get turned on and all. I didn't intend to harm myself, I can promise you this, but I did. In the aftermath, my penis felt completely numb. I still got morning wood from time to time, I still could masturbate and cum, but I never again got as hard anymore as before, and I never again developed the full sensitivity. On some days, I have still less sensitivity than in my finger nails. I often thought to myself "oh god, I killed it", which is bound to a lot of shame, disgust and self-accusation. In addition to my fear of sex which I had anyway, I now was afraid that I won't even feel it when someone touches my penis. I guess I am traumatized by this experience and don't know how to deal with it, because otherwise I am so much taking care of my security, would never do anything that's considered dangerous and all.

Doctors said it's all just psychological (which I doubt), so I went in therapy, we solved a lot of issues of mine (father with personality disorder, bullied at school, both things that kinda affect me until today), but my penis remained kinda numb over the years.

Well, that lead to me giving up for a while. Eventually I turned 30, had a long phase where I thought I'm asexual, then I began to be aware that I have a kind of sex phobia, and time is a bitch - so soon I'll eventually turn 40. With this number on the horizon, I decided to get my ass up and fight to tackle my remaining issues.

Now, I think I have solved all my underlying issues, so for the first time in my life, I think I am finally ready for my first sex, be it a one-off or in a relationship.

However, that takes two... and I am still afraid that I'm a too complicated case in order to be desired.
I suffer form body acne, hardly a sensation in my penis, still unexperienced, still no job (I am highly intelligent, but along my sex phobia I also had a work phobia, which roots in how my dad affects me). But I joined the gym with a close friend, will soon take part in a work rehabilitation programme, and also hope to join a gay group in my city.

I know that I am way too much focussing on my negative aspects, but at least I don't consider myself ugly anymore, and a guy half my age recently told me that he thought I'm not older than 30. Which is good, as I am more into younger guys, as I myself haven't come very far in life and would feel like a child compared to guys my age.

I finally want to give love and experience sex, also in the hope that it can cure my sensitivity issues, and I hope someone can recommend me on what to focus on, what issue to work on, how to expose my good sides. I'm caring, intelligent, my therapist says I have high social skills once I've overcome my initial shyness.

Also since I am into younger guys, which mostly are a lot more experienced than I am, I wonder if that could work at all, considering that I'm such a complicated, inexperienced case.

Right, now I kinda feel embarrased to share so much about myself, but staying in my little comfortable world won't get me anywhere.

If you have read it all until this point, I'd like to thank you already for that. I need some guidance through this mess.

[MikeW]

...Right, now I kinda feel embarrased to share so much about myself, but staying in my little comfortable world won't get me anywhere.

If you have read it all until this point, I'd like to thank you already for that. I need some guidance through this mess.

Welcome to GS! Yes, I read it all. Unfortunately I'm not sure what to say that will be of much help. Perhaps others will have something to say.

My simple advise at this point is to just keep hanging out here, replying to other peoples' threads, getting comfortable in this online environment. Don't be put off by the fact some of your posts will be "held for moderation." That's just a precaution against trolls and everyone new goes through it till they have 50 posts. After that, it doesn't happen. You'll also see a few other features then, too.

I'm recommending this as a way for you to feel comfortable in your real life. What I see often is that we think people think more about us than they actually ever do. We're so concerned about what they'll think or might think when the reality is we barely register on their radar. Everyone is too busy thinking about his own problems.

What I really want to say is to not worry about it (being a virgin at your age) overly much. I'm not saying it doesn't matter at all but I think you may be making it a bigger deal than it is. As for your lack of sensitivity in your penis... hmmm... well.... you are rather vague in explaining how that happened. Which is fine. But I'm inclined to think this may be more psychological than anything... which doesn't make it any easier to deal with. IDK... what turns you on? What gets you aroused? (Not asking you to tell us but suggesting you think about this.) Whatever it is, let that guide you toward feeling more aroused throughout your body. We tend (due to porn, largely) to think that THE most sensitive part of a man is his penis, followed perhaps by his prostate or ass, balls, nipples. But the WHOLE human body is sensitive--or can be--to touch. I once knew a young man, quadriplegic, paralyzed from the neck down, who achieved orgasm through having his neck stimulated. Just saying... there's way more to this than the obvious if we open up to it.

[LJay]

Welcome.

Waiting for the right guy to come along can be a mistake. No one is perfect and no partner provides the perfect sex.

It sounds like you need to go to a urologist and to be very honest about your lack of sensitivity in you penis, maybe even get a referral to a neurologist. It is easy for some doctors to dismiss this sort of thing so you have to be persistent.

Work phobic? Me too. I did it anyway because I am also poverty phobic. Get a job, even a simple one. It is good for your confidence.

As for attracting guys, you have to get out in the public. But before you do take good care that you are well groomed, well dressed and well rested so that you can be confident and have fun. Maybe look for a group or club you would enjoy. Chorus, sporting team, hikers club, book discussion group, service organization? At least you would get used to meeting people.

Keep posting here. Tading ideas with other guys can be a great thing.

[Anocxu]

[MENTION=23142]Aquarius[/MENTION]. ..
What is your social life like?
Do you have good friends?
Gay or Bi friends?

Who do you confide in besides us?

[Aquarius]

[MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION] , thanks, I will indeed try to get more involved here, it seems like a nice place.
If anyone is really interested, I might explain details of the incident in private message, but don't feel like sharing it in public.. so pm me if you like. I know what arouses me, and I can get orgasms daily, but it's never been as intense and exciting as before the incident. I'm just scared what a guy would think when he discovers that I don't have much sensitivity there. He might hold my penis and I might not even know it unless I'm watching.. that thought freaks me out. However the story with the paralyzed guy puts things into perspective really, but it's interesting what the body still can do... thanks for sharing! After 13 years, with many highs and lows, lots of issues solved (and new ones coming into my life), I don't think it could be just psychologically, but I'd happily be proven wrong.

[MENTION=20933]LJay[/MENTION] , Thanks. Hmm, I am not waiting for "the one guy", and I know that everyone has issues. Or differently put, I think a lot of guys are perfect, just for being themselves, with all the apparent or actual flaws. I definitely don't look for perfect sex, but just for a guy I feel well enough with. I don't need to have a crush or so, but also don't want to do it with just "anyone". It requires mutual interest, that just didn't happen yet. Mostly the guys I was interested in were already taken, or straight, lived too far away (Australia), or I was not their type.

I will see another urologist for my penis problems, this time maybe paying privately, usually results in better treatment.

I'm joining a work rehab programme soon with psychological guidance, and will also join a gay group in my city.

[MENTION=21156]Anocxu[/MENTION] , I have a lot of gay friends, many from other countries which I meet from time to time, it's a huge mixed community of a non-sexual special interest. With them, I like to go to parties or bars, for nice dinners, etc, and often talk to them over the internet, but also get to meet them on a few occasions throughout the year.
From that community, I also have 2 close gay friends in my city. Apart of that, I play in a band and get in touch with other musicians.

Also I'm close to my parents, but keeping my relationship to dad low-scale as he has a personal disorder (he would never accept that though), and continues to negatively affect my mum's and my own life. In emergency cases, he's always been there for me though. It's very tricky with him. But I have a very good relationship with my mum, who is the most important person in my life.

[jimcrackcorn]

You are doing all the right things. Your going to the gym, planning to join a work rehabilitation program and a local gay group.

Follow thru on your proposed itinerary,,,, and then get yourself into the gay dating world.

There will be many false starts. You will meet people who seem interested in you - and they suddenly change their minds and stop talking to you, and they won't give you a reason why they stopped. Some people will only be interested in sex, and will drop you as soon as they have gotten what they want. You'll meet people who have a lot of baggage (problems)... Some you will be able to tolerate,, others will be intolerable. The most important thing to remember is; "don't give up"... Keep looking for the guy that will ultimately make you happy. It may take years to find the right match for you,, or it could happen on the first date. Stay patient and keep moving forward.

Don't be to fussy about who you will date, or have sex with. If you are only interested in younger men - you are narrowing your chances of finding a good match for a long term relationship. Most of the men around your age group and older are more mature about dating and can be more understanding about sexual issues and the lack of sensitivity. Keep your options open and spread a wide net to catch as many eligible bachelors as possible.

What ever you do,,, don't give up. Keep moving forward till you reach your goals.

Sincerely,
Jim

[Camfer]

First of all, I think it's awesome that you've told us so much already. Like MikeW I would be interested to hear more about what you did with your cock that you think has had lasting implications. Cocks are pretty durable.

I had an idea for you. Maybe you should go out and get yourself a prostate massage, a tantric massage, or a lingam massage. Then you have a defined container in which to explore your erotic energy. You could have an honest talk with your massage therapist before you begin. It could be such a safe and positive experience for you.

I found this place in Cologne. There are plenty of practitioners to choose from, but I just clicked on the first guy. This is the english page, but I bet there's a german language page as well. You probably want to choose a different guy, whose native language is german. That will make it somewhat easier for you to talk about whatever comes up for you.

http://www.tantramassage.de/en/cologne/o...ander.html

Another option is The Body Electric School. I don't know of anything in Europe. There's workshops in Australia, the US, and Canada.

http://www.thebodyelectricschool.com/

Wishing you much joy and insight on your journey.

[Aquarius]

If anyone is interested in what exactly I did with my cock, feel free to send me a private message, as I don't feel like shouting that out into the public here, yet.

@Jim , thanks for your words. I think, after all those years, I am finally ready. I also understood that I'm not the only one with "baggage", and downright hope to find someone who can open up to me with his sorrows. My arms wait for him, but I am also ready for the pure fun, that I always was afraid of.

I had to get some stuff sorted out, deep down in my soul, that I just couldn't figure out until recently. It's a very complex and individual thing, a long story, but I finally understood it and finally feel well with the thought of having sex, and thus having a boyfriend.

I'm ready!
[MENTION=20941]Camfer[/MENTION] , that's a cool idea! I have checked out their website, and I am in Cologne every now and then, so I might give it a try, even though I'd be scared that I might ejaculate, which would be quite embarrassing. Maybe I'll wait until after my first time.