Cheated on, and the pain is unbearable

[GuyOverThere]

I need to keep this relatively short.

I have been seeing a guy for six months now. We fell madly in love with each other in April, but things hit an extremely rocky patch for us around August time (https://gayspeak.com/showthread.php?t=37635). He became extremely insecure and pushed me away to a degree (or so I'd say). The loss of a family member seemed to stir up some painful memories, and he slipped into depression. At one point I couldn't cope with his extreme mood swings, and had to break it off.

Things turned around for a while, and I proposed to this man in September. Things have been absolutely perfect for us and I couldn't have loved him more, until last Friday.

We met up in town. I knew something was up all day. He confessed to cheating on me back in early August (outdoor oral). His reason for doing so was because he was in an extremely dark place. He hated it, but wanted to punish himself; there was lots of guilt and self-loathing going on. He never got satisfaction and even said he thought about me the whole time. He was so confident I was cheating on him too.

It's weird that the same time I was planning to break up with him.

I'm absolutely crushed tbh. I love(d) him so much. He's devastated, but had to tell me. We're having a break now. I feel like a stranger around him; He doesn't even feel like my partner any more?

I understand his reasons, and it was ages ago. I have forgiven him, but the pain is unbearable. I have to go to work this morning and face people with a straight face.

Could this work again?

[verysimple]

Honestly at this point, I myself am not even sure what to tell you. Things seem to be very intense between you two, there are too many emotions involved and the whole relationship is just vague and confusing. so maybe, it would be a good idea to give it time. And I mean sometime apart. Not break up break up but just a small break/ small pause so that things can process themselves and become clear. I feel like Doing anything right now would make things worse. So just let him be. Give him some space and for you too to think about it. Then when you're both ready, sit, talk.. Figure it out and whatever decision you both come to, let it be and go on with your lives.

[MikeW]

Look... People are damaged. Especially gay men. We have problems, baggage, issues... what ever you want to call it. There are so many reasons I can't even.

So what this means is, to have a relationship that works, there has to be tons of communication and forgiveness. Seriously. If you can't forgive a man for sucking a dick and keeping it a secret, I question how much you love him. Seriously, I mean it. Yes, sure, it's hit you hard, caused you to question your confidence in the relationship, question whether or not you can trust this man... well... can you? Do you even want to?

It isn't easy knowing one's own truth. You're here, your guy isn't, so I don't know, I haven't heard what's going on inside him except you're saying he thought you were cheating on him. Well, so, were you? Did you even think about it?

What's going on here that two men who *say* they love one another can't get it together enough to have a relationship? One that works... at least most of the time? Don't get me wrong, I'm not surprised. I see this over and over and over again online and IRL in gay relationships. But what's it going to take to get you two to BE HERE with one another? To get off the not-so-merry-go-round of drama and begin to LIVE A LIFE TOGETHER? If that's what you both want then that is what you should have -- but for pity's sake don't think this is going to be easy! It never is. Not in my experience. Shit happens. Stuff has to be worked out. People have to begin to understand themselves and what makes them tick. Are you (either or both) truly READY for a real relationship? Are you mature enough... emotionally, sexually, mentally, socially, financially?

Also know this: You are gay, not heterosexual. You can DEFINE your relationship however you want. There's no law that says you can't love one another AND suck dick outside the relationship... IF that's what you both agree to. If you both agree not to, then you both need to be TRULY honest with yourselves about this. Is *that* monogamy what you really, truly want? If not, if you're lying to yourselves about it, then it doesn't matter what you think or say, it won't happen. Sooner or later, one or the other will "cheat". (I personally hate that word, hate the whole concept, but that's just me.)

Either you love one another enough to accept each other's flaws and to work through the problems that come up or you don't.

[Anocxu]

I have some questions for you..

*How would you rate your relationship overall?

*Is it good most of the time..?
Or is it rough most of the time?

*Are you happy with him most of the time?

*Is he happy with you most of the time?

The cheating on his part based on the reason he gave.. is just awful...
He thought you were definitely cheating on him so he cheated on you ?
Why wouldn't he just sit you down and ask?


His unstable mind is creating all sorts of problems for the both of you.
It's also clear you are struggling to keep this relationship in balance. ..


If you were to sit back and think...
Would it be fair to say you are dating a guy with serious mental health issues?
So far ..in both threads .. these problems keep coming up..

*paranoia.
*Delusions
*Depression

I'm not being disrespectful at all.. just so you know .

In conclusion. .
It can only work if he gets some help...

Do not think about marrying this gentleman anytime soon.

I'm truly sorry you are going through this..

[MikeW]

[MENTION=21156]Anocxu[/MENTION] has very good points.

But I also have to ask, if your BF has serious mental health issues and you're attracted to him, what does this say about you? Like Anocxu, I mean no disrespect. I just know that it takes two to tangle. For sure, if your BF has serious issues, he may very well need professional counseling to begin dealing with them. But in my experience this usually means that BOTH men have issues. The question is, can they work *together* to get through them.

I'm speaking from experience here. My last partner had serious mental health issues. It finally got to a point where it was clear to me that we were not healthy for one another. We loved one another but just by being ourselves we were re-injuring one another. It was best for us to separate and remain friends and that's what we did until his death in 2010.

The bottom line is you have to find out the truth of yourselves. Both of you. Then you negotiate the relationship based on that truth.

[Anocxu]

[MENTION=21156]Anocxu[/MENTION] has very good points.

But I also have to ask, if your BF has serious mental health issues and you're attracted to him, what does this say about you? Like Anocxu, I mean no disrespect. I just know that it takes two to tangle. For sure, if your BF has serious issues, he may very well need professional counseling to begin dealing with them. But in my experience this usually means that BOTH men have issues. The question is, can they work *together* to get through them.

I'm speaking from experience here. My last partner had serious mental health issues. It finally got to a point where it was clear to me that we were not healthy for one another. We loved one another but just by being ourselves we were re-injuring one another. It was best for us to separate and remain friends and that's what we did until his death in 2010.

The bottom line is you have to find out the truth of yourselves. Both of you. Then you negotiate the relationship based on that truth.

Very well said Mike ...
I love your line of reasoning.

I honestly think the opening poster simply wants to be with this gentleman that he loves.

I personally believe he is not recognizing the symptoms of his boyfriend's mental health issues ..
He thinks they are just insecurities.

[meridannight]

things hit an extremely rocky patch for us around August time. He became extremely insecure and pushed me away to a degree (or so I'd say). The loss of a family member seemed to stir up some painful memories, and he slipped into depression. At one point I couldn't cope with his extreme mood swings, and had to break it off.

He confessed to cheating on me back in early August (outdoor oral). His reason for doing so was because he was in an extremely dark place. He hated it, but wanted to punish himself; there was lots of guilt and self-loathing going on. He never got satisfaction and even said he thought about me the whole time.

It's weird that the same time I was planning to break up with him.

I'm absolutely crushed tbh. I love(d) him so much. He's devastated, but had to tell me. We're having a break now. I feel like a stranger around him; He doesn't even feel like my partner any more?

doesn't seem like much of a big deal to me, honestly. it was only oral, the guy feels bad about it, and it happened when your relationship wasn't at its better.

this is genuinely small stuff. let it go.

you have other things to work on (like why he wanted to push you away in the first place, the self-loathing, etc), but this isn't one of them.

[JohnSomebody]

I guess my perspective of this is that I do agree with all that Anocxu has mentioned in his posts as well as Mike W. However, in such a situation as yours ...I have always said that you know what you feel in your heart far better than anyone on this forum although we are giving advice from what you've mentioned in your initial post. Nonetheless. if you decide to take this guy back...you cannot hold on to the situations that has damaged you that resulted in your break up. The problem is that if you are holding on this and there is too much pain ...then honestly, why get back together with him if you are bringing your trust issues with you???? I'm not saying that you are not entitled to feel the way you feel from his actions but I am also saying that accepting him back into your life despite what has happened then you have to be able to start with a clean slate so to speak and if you are not able to do that...then ...you should move on.

[MFD000]

It always shocks me how long sounds like a long time for gays to be still and with one person. Six months is a short period of time to meet, get to know, and find out you want to spend the rest of your lives together, but that's a whole different story. Like Mike said, tons of communication would've made this a lot easier. You're about to marry someone who doesn't even go to you when he's in a dark place.

To answer your question is it "could" work again, but it's only been a short 6 months... How much did you know this person? Favorite color? Song? Name some relatives? It's sad to hear that April was ages ago.

[IanSaysHi]

I've done another one of my write-an-essay, then delete it all posts.

As someone who sounds like your boyfriend, just back in 2007 - I needed to sort out my issues before I could be in a relationship. It's not fair on the other guy, ie you. Okay so I didn't suck someone else's cock, but I did do plenty of other bad stuff and it was the worst year of my life. My poor boyfriend at the time... I look back and just realise now that it just wasn't the time for me to be in a relationship.

He needs to work through all his issues before he's ready to be what you need.

If it helps - I didn't break up with my boyfriend. I did move away back home though and had to get a new job and was on antidepressants for a while. Sorting out my life made me happy. We saw each other every other weekend. After a year we realised we'd just become friends who had sex. I think/know I'd clung to a relationship with him as my comfort at the time which was completely unfair on him.

I hope this helps - good luck