10-28-2015, 01:16 PM
Hello, I'm a new user from Germany, hope my English will be good enough.
In short, I am a 39 years old guy, I'm out to family and friends for nearly half my life, have a lot of gay friends, but I still had no sex or a relationship. I have solved a lot of my issues recently, but still need some support on my way to actual sexuality or romance.
So you might wonder what the hell is wrong with me. A lot of things, I guess. Where to begin? :-|
In my early and mid twenties, I had a few dates, I had my first kiss by the age of 23, but I felt it was wrong, as I didn't feel anything for the guy, not even sexual interest. I just thought I had to check this off my list, but it felt wrong, so I told to myself not to repeat the same mistake with my first sex. I only wanted sex with someone I was actually attracted to and felt well with.
Well, in the upcoming years, I didn't meet anyone that I had a mutual interest with. Back then, I was still shy and suffered from depressions. At 25, I was already aware that I'm very late to this. I had major inferiority issues, considered myself ugly, already felt that I probably am scared of sex, and eventually gave up.
It's horrible for me to write the next lines, but it's inevitable to explain why it's become an even bigger issue. I was 26, when on one day, I experimented with my penis, with the aim to get turned on and all. I didn't intend to harm myself, I can promise you this, but I did. In the aftermath, my penis felt completely numb. I still got morning wood from time to time, I still could masturbate and cum, but I never again got as hard anymore as before, and I never again developed the full sensitivity. On some days, I have still less sensitivity than in my finger nails. I often thought to myself "oh god, I killed it", which is bound to a lot of shame, disgust and self-accusation. In addition to my fear of sex which I had anyway, I now was afraid that I won't even feel it when someone touches my penis. I guess I am traumatized by this experience and don't know how to deal with it, because otherwise I am so much taking care of my security, would never do anything that's considered dangerous and all.
Doctors said it's all just psychological (which I doubt), so I went in therapy, we solved a lot of issues of mine (father with personality disorder, bullied at school, both things that kinda affect me until today), but my penis remained kinda numb over the years.
Well, that lead to me giving up for a while. Eventually I turned 30, had a long phase where I thought I'm asexual, then I began to be aware that I have a kind of sex phobia, and time is a bitch - so soon I'll eventually turn 40. With this number on the horizon, I decided to get my ass up and fight to tackle my remaining issues.
Now, I think I have solved all my underlying issues, so for the first time in my life, I think I am finally ready for my first sex, be it a one-off or in a relationship.
However, that takes two... and I am still afraid that I'm a too complicated case in order to be desired.
I suffer form body acne, hardly a sensation in my penis, still unexperienced, still no job (I am highly intelligent, but along my sex phobia I also had a work phobia, which roots in how my dad affects me). But I joined the gym with a close friend, will soon take part in a work rehabilitation programme, and also hope to join a gay group in my city.
I know that I am way too much focussing on my negative aspects, but at least I don't consider myself ugly anymore, and a guy half my age recently told me that he thought I'm not older than 30. Which is good, as I am more into younger guys, as I myself haven't come very far in life and would feel like a child compared to guys my age.
I finally want to give love and experience sex, also in the hope that it can cure my sensitivity issues, and I hope someone can recommend me on what to focus on, what issue to work on, how to expose my good sides. I'm caring, intelligent, my therapist says I have high social skills once I've overcome my initial shyness.
Also since I am into younger guys, which mostly are a lot more experienced than I am, I wonder if that could work at all, considering that I'm such a complicated, inexperienced case.
Right, now I kinda feel embarrased to share so much about myself, but staying in my little comfortable world won't get me anywhere.
If you have read it all until this point, I'd like to thank you already for that. I need some guidance through this mess.
In short, I am a 39 years old guy, I'm out to family and friends for nearly half my life, have a lot of gay friends, but I still had no sex or a relationship. I have solved a lot of my issues recently, but still need some support on my way to actual sexuality or romance.
So you might wonder what the hell is wrong with me. A lot of things, I guess. Where to begin? :-|
In my early and mid twenties, I had a few dates, I had my first kiss by the age of 23, but I felt it was wrong, as I didn't feel anything for the guy, not even sexual interest. I just thought I had to check this off my list, but it felt wrong, so I told to myself not to repeat the same mistake with my first sex. I only wanted sex with someone I was actually attracted to and felt well with.
Well, in the upcoming years, I didn't meet anyone that I had a mutual interest with. Back then, I was still shy and suffered from depressions. At 25, I was already aware that I'm very late to this. I had major inferiority issues, considered myself ugly, already felt that I probably am scared of sex, and eventually gave up.
It's horrible for me to write the next lines, but it's inevitable to explain why it's become an even bigger issue. I was 26, when on one day, I experimented with my penis, with the aim to get turned on and all. I didn't intend to harm myself, I can promise you this, but I did. In the aftermath, my penis felt completely numb. I still got morning wood from time to time, I still could masturbate and cum, but I never again got as hard anymore as before, and I never again developed the full sensitivity. On some days, I have still less sensitivity than in my finger nails. I often thought to myself "oh god, I killed it", which is bound to a lot of shame, disgust and self-accusation. In addition to my fear of sex which I had anyway, I now was afraid that I won't even feel it when someone touches my penis. I guess I am traumatized by this experience and don't know how to deal with it, because otherwise I am so much taking care of my security, would never do anything that's considered dangerous and all.
Doctors said it's all just psychological (which I doubt), so I went in therapy, we solved a lot of issues of mine (father with personality disorder, bullied at school, both things that kinda affect me until today), but my penis remained kinda numb over the years.
Well, that lead to me giving up for a while. Eventually I turned 30, had a long phase where I thought I'm asexual, then I began to be aware that I have a kind of sex phobia, and time is a bitch - so soon I'll eventually turn 40. With this number on the horizon, I decided to get my ass up and fight to tackle my remaining issues.
Now, I think I have solved all my underlying issues, so for the first time in my life, I think I am finally ready for my first sex, be it a one-off or in a relationship.
However, that takes two... and I am still afraid that I'm a too complicated case in order to be desired.
I suffer form body acne, hardly a sensation in my penis, still unexperienced, still no job (I am highly intelligent, but along my sex phobia I also had a work phobia, which roots in how my dad affects me). But I joined the gym with a close friend, will soon take part in a work rehabilitation programme, and also hope to join a gay group in my city.
I know that I am way too much focussing on my negative aspects, but at least I don't consider myself ugly anymore, and a guy half my age recently told me that he thought I'm not older than 30. Which is good, as I am more into younger guys, as I myself haven't come very far in life and would feel like a child compared to guys my age.
I finally want to give love and experience sex, also in the hope that it can cure my sensitivity issues, and I hope someone can recommend me on what to focus on, what issue to work on, how to expose my good sides. I'm caring, intelligent, my therapist says I have high social skills once I've overcome my initial shyness.
Also since I am into younger guys, which mostly are a lot more experienced than I am, I wonder if that could work at all, considering that I'm such a complicated, inexperienced case.
Right, now I kinda feel embarrased to share so much about myself, but staying in my little comfortable world won't get me anywhere.
If you have read it all until this point, I'd like to thank you already for that. I need some guidance through this mess.