Hi,
I'm a 29 year old gay male who has recently moved to a big city (London) and am having a hard time adjusting to the drug culture here. It seems like most gay guys here all do drugs, and I've had a nearly impossible time finding someone who doesn't. I have smoked marijuana 5 times in the last ten years, but have never taken any other illegal drugs. I do drink alcohol occasionally (three or four times a month). I am OK with drinking (responsibly), though I'll admit it's a bit of a double standard since it is a substance that alters my mental state, much like drugs do to drug users....
I've recently started dating a new guy, who is fantastic, except for the fact that he and his friends get high about once a month (cocaine or mdma). He has done drugs a few times since I've met him, and he knows how I feel. I have said that when he does drugs, I don't want to be involved in the night or the aftermath of a come down. Still, I can't help but get very upset thinking about it.
Does anyone have experience of being in a relationship like this? I'm wondering if I get out now before it gets really serious, or ask if he is willing to change... Help!
J
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You are right that there is a bit of a double standard between drugs (particularly pot) and alcohol. In both cases it seems like it is the person's relationship to the substance and the degree to which they let it control their life that is a concern.
Having watch a friend's life skid out of control, I'm pretty wary when it comes to this kind of thing. I don't trust my instincts enough to know "how much is too much" and would probably shy away from someone who spends time in that world. I have plenty of friends who use pot and in my mind it is really quite like drink in that they know their limits, but anything beyond that would be a red flag for me.
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The choice is ultimately yours..
Of all the single Gay or Bi men out there why chose one that does drugs if you are not in agreement with those habits?
I've dated recreational users back in my late twenties..
Today I can honestly say I learned a hard lesson on the type of guys NOT to date.
A drink here and there is ok..
(Him) Grabbing a joint if it's passed around at a gathering is fine I guess ..
But..
Dating a guy that is involved in purchasing illegal drugs first off ..is not a smart way to go..
I've had my time experimenting..but looking back .. knowing what I know now .. I love staying "Dry"
Dating a recreational user is like dating a time bandit..
He is robbing his and your relationship of precious time...which in turn is trying your patience..
That money for coke and mollies could be used for a 2 day get away..
A scenic ride on the train to Europe..
Stop dating this guy..
Stop calling. .
Stop texting..
This is not what you need..
Choose something and someone else..
Hugs.
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It's a matter of personal preference really. I sure as hell wouldn't start a serious relationship with a guy on drugs. But then again if it's very occasional use and you think you can ignore it then it won't really impact you anyway.
But again it's whether you can comfortably turn a blind eye.
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I'd cut your losses and end it with the guy. If his into the heavy stuff it can only go downhill from here it would be best for you to leave the relationship now before you get too attached
I am the angles that hold and surround you
I am the demon you're afraid to meet
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Sounds like you come from a quieter place, OP. That is cool, but the city can be a shock, especially because nearly everyone will at least drink. Light pot and alcohol use you may be able to tolerate, but coke and the rest can be a pretty rough culture for an outsider. There is nothing wrong with you setting our own limits and abiding by them. You could either cut the guy off completely, or keep it very, very casual and once in a while with lots of attention to safety, if he is worth it to you.
One very important thng about living in a big city: You have to be you. That can be a good and fun thing, but it can b tricky for someone who comes from more of a community background. Good luck with the adventure.
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I don't expect you will find much success in asking someone to change in order to be with you. He knows your perspective and yet continues to use recreational drugs.
It's up to you to determine if you can live with this aspect of him or not. You have to take him as he is, not how you want him to be. Or, decide that fantastic as he is, this aspect of him is a deal breaker for you.
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Whatever direction you decide to take with your boyfriend, don't let yourself get caught up in the wild, drug fueled partying that many young gay men fall into. It may look exciting,, but it can also be bad for your health.
Sincerely,
Jim
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Anocxu's responses are on fleek....I know this from personal experience because not only was the guy I was dating was a recreational user...but it did evolve into more heavy drug use and the recreational drugs advanced into heavier drugs which changed the relationship for the worse as a whole. What was even worse was the fact that only occasions...he and his friends tried to talk me into joining them and I stood my ground. Unfortunately, due to my standing my position on this...I was effected by his behavior because I became a product of his environment. The best decision I made from that was to move on and away from him and block all contact from him which became one of the best decisions I've ever made.
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