What Would You Do?

[Beaux]

Ok. I don't ask for advice often, nor do I ask lightly. When I do ask, I hope that people will tell me what They Would Do & Why; because, I need to relate it to my own life before I can confidently make the decision.

I have made bad decisions in the past, and am hoping to avoid doing so today and in the future.

To avoid going into a tirade of His-Story for new members, I will make a brief time-line:

1996 I met Carl, 7 months later he tells me "Happy Birthday" but doesn't get a present or card.

1997-2001 We live together, but I learn to live without B-Day presents, Christmas presents, Valentine's Day presents... Then, I actually catch him cheating (in the act) and leave him.

We live apart and have completely separate lives. He starts a relationship with one of the people he cheated on me with.

2010 He contacts me wanting to talk because his current partner died. A few months later we start seeing each other again. He says, that he sees the error of his ways and regrets nothing more than having ever cheated on me. He cries.

2012 We stop having sex. Completely. If I try to discuss it, he stares at the floor until I become frustrated and walk away. Same year tests reveal that he has low testosterone and he begins treatment.

2013 We had sex once. His doctors say that his testosterone is up to normal thx to medication.

2014 He begins to have temper tantrums. He turns blood red and spits as he screams obscenities. He tells me I am worthless, that I have "the mind of a child", and that he wouldn't have to scream at me if I weren't so stupid.

2015 He is diagnoised with Thyroid Cancer. The doctors say that the personality problems are symptomatic and after surgery he will stop the tantrums.

2015--Recently, due to an attempted hack, I had to change a long-standing (5 year-old) password. When asked about it, I didn't remember it...TANTRUM!!! I ended up locking myself int he bathroom for half and hour. After is over, he pretends like it never happened...."I love you! Can I get a kiss?" ...

So? What would YOU do? Plz, I do mean, what would YOU really do, and Why...?

Peace,
~Beaux

[LJay]

I would sit down with him and try to make the point that not only is the tantrum hurtful and the wrong way to handle frustration, but that it should also be checked out medically. It would also be a good idea to set up a Safe Word procedure for the future so that if things go wrong the Safe Word can be invoked and you can both cool down. You should both be able to agree that tantrums are NOT acceptable at all and that they must not happen.

To emphasize: Check this out with the doctor. If tantrums are not normal they may, yet again, mean something is awry.

Give him that kiss. He is your friend and he needs it.

[Beaux]

I would sit down with him and try to make the point that not only is the tantrum hurtful and the wrong way to handle frustration, but that it should also be checked out medically. It would also be a good idea to set up a Safe Word procedure for the future so that if things go wrong the Safe Word can be invoked and you can both cool down. You should both be able to agree that tantrums are NOT acceptable at all and that they must not happen.

To emphasize: Check this out with the doctor. If tantrums are not normal they may, yet again, mean something is awry.

Give him that kiss. He is your friend and he needs it.

He flat-put refuses to accept responsibility for the tantrum(s)--according to him, the tantrums are my fault. He says he wouldn't loose his temper if I weren't constantly making mistakes.

~Beaux

Edit: And I DO make mistakes. I am not perfect, sometimes I forget passwords. Sometimes I forget appointments. Sometimes I forget. He does too, of course, but we don't discuss his mistakes, lest I be responsible for another tantrum.

~Beaux

[Edward]

I would have never gotten back with him after I found out about cheating. That's a complete deal-breaker to me and basically the only thing I never forgive.

But if I were in where you are now, I'd tell him bluntly to control his emotions or I leave. I'm just that kind of person, I'll never allow anyone to abuse me physically or emotionally. If the person refuses to cooperate and refuses to see his problems, I leave.

[jimcrackcorn]

Until he has his surgery,,, you are going to be walking on egg shells.

Keep your car keys & wallet on you at all times. Wen he starts going into one of his tantrums - quietly walk away and get in your car and go some place safe for an hour or two. Call him before you go back home to make sure he has calmed down.

I hope his behavior doesn't escalate to a point where he physically attacks you.

How much longer before the operation will be done, do you think you can handle him until then?

Worried,
Jim

[Beaux]

Until he has his surgery,,, you are going to be walking on egg shells.

Keep your car keys & wallet on you at all times. Wen he starts going into one of his tantrums - quietly walk away and get in your car and go some place safe for an hour or two. Call him before you go back home to make sure he has calmed down.

I hope his behavior doesn't escalate to a point where he physically attacks you.

How much longer before the operation will be done, do you think you can handle him until then?

Worried,
Jim

The surgery was a month ago. For a couple of weeks, it seemed like he was a different person....then his skin started shedding like old wall paper. Talked to the doctor, she said it was too low a dose of synthetic hormone and that he needed a higher dose. She uped it by %50 and now it is like he never had the surgery. Right back to the snide remarks and personal attacks.

If it isn't going to chase I want a divorce. An hour after these incidents, he acts like it never happened and wants me to kiss him and tell him I love him. The entire cycle leaves me exhausted and resentful...

~Beaux

[East]

I am so sorry Beaux..I had hoped it would stop......

Considering the whole picture and everything you have said previously...I would get a hidden camera to show him what he is doing. Maybe if he actually sees himself he will freak...as he should.

ALOT of people have a serious disconnect when it comes to looking at themselves realistically...and a wake up call such as a video can sometimes work as an instant intervention....or not....depends on how he will take it. I think you have to gauge his reaction ahead of time...

There is one other possibility I can think of...maybe taking a leap here but it is something I had to deal with and I don't think anyone else is gonna bring it up...

I have experienced this myself.....

Displaced rage and anger..maybe at himself..maybe at someone else who is not entirely honest about....and when he gets enraged...he is yelling at himself. A lot of people call it projection...and it is very similar to that....

Having the experiences and struggles that he has....there has got to be a lot of internalized rage...I think everyone experiences it......maybe a stage...and if he can't process it...well....it has to go somewhere....

I think it also might be hard for a dominant male who is used to being in control to have to face things he can't control.....and even if he learns to...might be a difficult road to travel....

I think maybe directing him to a trained professional might be the best approach..maybe someone who deals with this kind of problem specifically....

...or he may have to deal with being a rage-o-holic ...for whatever reason...and there are a lot of different programs that can help with that...

In the meantime..you have to take care of yourself. Has he hit you at all before? You may have to find a room somewhere you can rent..keep it private...and at least have a place you can feel safe.,...or somewhere to go when he does this.....

I think you need to make sure to give yourself options so mentally this will not defeat you....

[jimcrackcorn]

East has got a great point. Plus, the synthetic hormone might be creating this unwanted side affect.

You gotta get him in to see his doctor "again" before he hurts you and/or destroys your marriage - which seems very likely at this junction.

Sincerely,
Jim

[CellarDweller]

He flat-put refuses to accept responsibility for the tantrum(s)--according to him, the tantrums are my fault. He says he wouldn't loose his temper if I weren't constantly making mistakes.

~Beaux

Hello Beaux,

I'm not trying to start any more drama for you, but to me, the quote above, is what an abuser does. Blames the victim for the problems and expects them to change.

"I wouldn't yell if you didn't make me so mad!"

"I wouldn't hit you if you didn't make me."

[Beaux]

I agree with everything everyone above^^ has said. I just cannot get him to take responsibility for anything (and I do mean *anything* he says or does), which leaves everything on me. I will happily take responsibility for my mistakes, but being told that I have the mental capacity of a 5 year old and that he wouldn't scream and cuss at me if I didn't provoke him.....well, I think it is abuse, and medical condition or not, it reaches a point where I have done all I can do...

I guess I am looking for premission to leave. I know that none of you can give me that, but I think that is what I am looking for, I just wish someone would say, "You have done all you can do...".

~Beaux