What Would You Do?

[LJay]

I did not realize that he is not taking responsibility or acknowledging his tantrums. Thyroid hormones are notoriously hard to regulate and he simply must take charge of them.

Tell him that if he does not get to the doctor NOW and get this dealt with you are leaving. If he does not cooperate you have no reason to be patient.

[Beaux]

I just can't anymore. thx for the replies. I am gonna hibernate on things for a minute.

Any additional replies will be appreciated, but I am probably gonna burry myself for a lil while. I will see them, but I may not respond.

~Beaux

[Anocxu]

He behaves that way constantly because there are very little consequences. .

I understand his medical issues. . I do..
But Abuse is abuse..

He can throw a tantrum. .
Call you any and everything in the book and at the end of it ..
You'll still be right there..

Under no circumstances should you be locking yourself in a bathroom from your husband. ..
I understand your loyalty..
but ..
You have to set the threshold..
He raises his voice.. you are on your way to a friend or hotel..
No compromises. .

How the hell is he going to call you a child while he's behaving like a bee stung two year old..?
Why??
He can get away with it...

I bet if the cops showed up he'd calm down..

Make the decision. .
You say when enough is enough by walking away.. or leaving for a day or two..

Don't walk away from your marriage. .
But you can sure as hell walk away from him..

When was the last time you had a spa week ..on his credit cards?

[CellarDweller]

I understand his medical issues. . I do..
But Abuse is abuse..

^^^^^^^
So true


no one can tell you when enough is enough. That is a call only you can make.

[Anocxu]

^^^^^^^
So true


no one can tell you when enough is enough. That is a call only you can make.

Beau is a survivor. .
He'll pull through. .

[TigerLover]

*disclaimer* I don't really know anything about spousal abuse or hormonal imbalance. But I'm intimately familiar with uncontrolled outbursts of anger. So if it seems like i'm "taking his side" or trying to talk you into staying, I'm not. It's just what i see when i read your story.

He flat-put refuses to accept responsibility for the tantrum(s)--according to him, the tantrums are my fault. He says he wouldn't loose his temper if I weren't constantly making mistakes.

~Beaux

He needs real therapy, maybe he hasn't dealt well with the trauma of cancer or hell it can be anyone of a thousand things but it is definitely not something you cannot fix alone. If he's externalizing blame to this extent then he's not going to listen to a thing you have to say. So long as he maintains this cognitive dissidence which absolutely blocks all attempts at introspection he will never ever get better, he can only get worse.

The brain sets up blocks like this to protect against shame and hurt, introspection and any kind of valid criticism feels like touching a burning stove you just reflexively have to escape from it. It takes a trained professional to defuse that reaction and until it's diffused nothing can be done to help him.

After is over, he pretends like it never happened...."I love you! Can I get a kiss?" ...

In my experience rage gives you unshakeable certainty, when the anger drains away the certainty goes with it and you're left standing there wondering why the fuck you just made those choices. you're left scared, confused and ashamed and often physically weak. It's a complete 360 mood swing. Personally I used to cry and try to crush a pillow but i can easily imagine that if i had a SO i would have clung to them like the last lifeboat on the titanic.

I just wish someone would say, "You have done all you can do...".

It is absolutely not your fault but you trigger negative emotions because you make him feel ashamed and trigger that knee- jerk reaction,
you cannot be the one to help him. Until that cognitive dissidence is repaired

He needs a therapist's help. Even if you leave him, please urge him to go get help ASAP.

[Anocxu]

The brain sets up blocks like this to protect against shame and hurt, introspection and any kind of valid criticism feels like touching a burning stove you just reflexively have to escape from it. It takes a trained professional to defuse that reaction and until it's diffused nothing can be done to help him.


It is absolutely not your fault but you trigger negative emotions because you make him feel ashamed and trigger that knee- jerk reaction,
[B] you cannot be the one to help him. Until that cognitive dissidence is repaired

What about the abusive reactions?

Cognitive dissidence does not equate abusive violence outbursts. . Does it?
From what I do know about this condition. .
When triggered ,....Isolation , detachment or avoidance is more common..?
Am I off?

[Camfer]

Beaux I think you need a third party involved until things get settled. I suggest couples therapy together where you can safely address the outbursts, the quick switch to acting like nothing is happening, your feelings of utter frustration, and your thoughts of leaving. Then do the same with his doctor, the both of you meeting with his doctor together.

I don't think he knows what's going on. You have enough history with him to try addressing this with the help of others in the room when you talk about it. I am sorry for your difficult circumstances. You've probably done all you can on your own.

[TigerLover]

What about the abusive reactions?

Cognitive dissidence does not equate abusive violence outbursts. . Does it?
From what I do know about this condition. .
When triggered ,....Isolation , detachment or avoidance is more common..?
Am I off?

[Embarrassing examples ]

Spoiler:

I used to go out for late night jogs or just freak out in my bedroom. At it's very worst i would sneak around the accom building to eat and take showers, only shop at night and freak out a little everytime someone walked past my door. I ended up having to take a year out of uni to get professional help. That is more typical.

[/embarrassing examples]

You're not wrong. in fact that's what I originally went to my therapist for i'd say 90% of my reactions were like that. But my therapist asked if I had anger issues before i even mentioned them and explained that the two often go hand in hand. I hadn't even thought to make the connection but it was there.

The one incident (tantrum) that really stands out is when I was failing out of one of my modules. The reason was obvious to anyone I was falling to pieces when i should be studying but i couldn't face that shame so I just blanked it out with anger. I really snapped that time.

I was alone in my room but i just couldn't stop thinking about the exam I just fucked up. I didn't want to think about it I was ashamed. I just snapped i decided to go out to a local sleezy nightclub pick a fight and really hurt somebody. I was really determined to inflict pain on someone. Outside I calmed down on the way to the club and instead I ended up paying the university £80 because I punched their wall twice and put a big dent in the plaster. It was a brick wall and it really hurt and bled but it still felt great just to punch something. What would I have done if I'd had a suitable victim close to hand? Thats not the worst outburst consequence-wise but it's the most angry I've ever gotten.

But the key point is that I was already really angry person at the time for a other reasons but the cognitive dissidence made it impossible to treat or control the anger because i couldn't tell why i was getting angry.


Therapy really really helped though Seriously ,my temper is still there but it has to be triggered by something justifiable. my outbursts are feeble little remnants of what they once were. And thanks to CBT I can feel them starting and head them off easily 90% of the time. I'm more mellow than most normal guys now and I really want that for Beaux and his husband. With the cognitive dissonance gone i could really work on my issues.

THERAPY

[Camfer]

Seriously ,my temper is still there but it has to be triggered by something justifiable. my outbursts are feeble little remnants of what they once were. And thanks to CBT I can feel them starting and head them off easily 90% of the time. I'm more mellow than most normal guys now and I really want that for Beaux and his husband.

Gosh I'd never really looked at Cock/Ball Torture that way before...