A long story about my biggest pain, venting and asking for advice at the same time
11-21-2015, 02:53 PM
I thought hard about whether or not post everything I have inside but that's why I came here, I guess.
Like I said in the introductory post, I'm from Latvia and 2 years ago a big tragedy happened in my country. You guys may or may have not heard about it. A large supermarket collapsed, killing dozens of people and my husband was one of them. Well, actually same sex marriage is not legal in Latvia, but we always called each other husbands anyway.
Today exactly two years are past and I still haven't gotten over his death. I live with a sense of guilt, because that evening I called him and asked him to catch some groceries when he comes home from job. He didn’t want to do it, he really didn’t. He said that he's very tired and that we could do it tomorrow and he just wanted to go home but I insisted. If only I hadn't done it, he wouldn't have gone into the store, he always hated doing shopping.
I spent all the time by the fence next to the supermarket, some people managed to call their relatives who were inside. I tried to call him too, there was a signal but no one picked up. I hoped that maybe he’s trapped and cannot move and that’s why he doesn’t answer me, that maybe he had managed to hide somewhere and maybe he's just injured. I hoped all the time until the next day's afternoon when the rescuers found him.
I'll never forget the moment when they asked me to tell whether it's him or not and I almost couldn't recognize his face. It was the most horrible thing I've ever seen, there was just a bloody mass instead of a person. He was mangled to the point where we couldn’t even open the coffin during the funeral. I’ve a hard time sometimes to remember him alive. This picture of his dead body is like engraved in my mind, I’ve had so many nightmares about it.
His funeral turned into a scandal. His mother never approved our relationships. She never accepted her son’s sexuality, always stating that he’s not gay, that this is all my doing, that I’m a bad influence on him. My husband was so annoyed by her that during the last year or so he had cut almost all contact with her. When she saw me, she started yelling all over the church that I killed him, it’s all my fault, she cursed me and wished me to die. Actually, at that moment I would have been more than happy to die.
My life has changed completely. I even got myself a new cellphone and I keep the old one at home because I'm afraid to accidentally lose it or something, as it contains his last call and his last text message that he sent me just a few minutes before collapse. Him and me, we were living right next to the supermarket. Of course, all the rubble is gone and everything is cleaned by now but I think you can imagine how I feel every time I look at the area through the window.
He was the most important person in my life. We were together for 10 years, he was next to me in every important moment of my life. He was the one who pushed me, who made me realize I can do anything I set my mind to. Every time I said "I can't" he said "no, you can". I feel like I’m an empty shell, everything seems lifeless and unmeaningful. I’m doing everything like a normal human being – eating, caring about myself, going to job, etc., but I’m doing all these things like automatically. I can also smile and laugh but then I always remember that at the end of the day I'll be going home and there'll be nothing there but empty rooms without his voice, his scent.
Guys, I'm not asking you to pity me, that's not why I told you all this. I know that probably this was his fate and life goes on and there's nothing I can do to turn the time back. However, I'm feeling quite depressed even after all this time.
What I want to ask is - have you ever lost someone you loved, not necessarily a lover but just someone you cared about? How did you cope with it? Thanks for your answers already!
P.S. maybe my English is not that good, ask if you don't understand something.
Like I said in the introductory post, I'm from Latvia and 2 years ago a big tragedy happened in my country. You guys may or may have not heard about it. A large supermarket collapsed, killing dozens of people and my husband was one of them. Well, actually same sex marriage is not legal in Latvia, but we always called each other husbands anyway.
Today exactly two years are past and I still haven't gotten over his death. I live with a sense of guilt, because that evening I called him and asked him to catch some groceries when he comes home from job. He didn’t want to do it, he really didn’t. He said that he's very tired and that we could do it tomorrow and he just wanted to go home but I insisted. If only I hadn't done it, he wouldn't have gone into the store, he always hated doing shopping.
I spent all the time by the fence next to the supermarket, some people managed to call their relatives who were inside. I tried to call him too, there was a signal but no one picked up. I hoped that maybe he’s trapped and cannot move and that’s why he doesn’t answer me, that maybe he had managed to hide somewhere and maybe he's just injured. I hoped all the time until the next day's afternoon when the rescuers found him.
I'll never forget the moment when they asked me to tell whether it's him or not and I almost couldn't recognize his face. It was the most horrible thing I've ever seen, there was just a bloody mass instead of a person. He was mangled to the point where we couldn’t even open the coffin during the funeral. I’ve a hard time sometimes to remember him alive. This picture of his dead body is like engraved in my mind, I’ve had so many nightmares about it.
His funeral turned into a scandal. His mother never approved our relationships. She never accepted her son’s sexuality, always stating that he’s not gay, that this is all my doing, that I’m a bad influence on him. My husband was so annoyed by her that during the last year or so he had cut almost all contact with her. When she saw me, she started yelling all over the church that I killed him, it’s all my fault, she cursed me and wished me to die. Actually, at that moment I would have been more than happy to die.
My life has changed completely. I even got myself a new cellphone and I keep the old one at home because I'm afraid to accidentally lose it or something, as it contains his last call and his last text message that he sent me just a few minutes before collapse. Him and me, we were living right next to the supermarket. Of course, all the rubble is gone and everything is cleaned by now but I think you can imagine how I feel every time I look at the area through the window.
He was the most important person in my life. We were together for 10 years, he was next to me in every important moment of my life. He was the one who pushed me, who made me realize I can do anything I set my mind to. Every time I said "I can't" he said "no, you can". I feel like I’m an empty shell, everything seems lifeless and unmeaningful. I’m doing everything like a normal human being – eating, caring about myself, going to job, etc., but I’m doing all these things like automatically. I can also smile and laugh but then I always remember that at the end of the day I'll be going home and there'll be nothing there but empty rooms without his voice, his scent.
Guys, I'm not asking you to pity me, that's not why I told you all this. I know that probably this was his fate and life goes on and there's nothing I can do to turn the time back. However, I'm feeling quite depressed even after all this time.
What I want to ask is - have you ever lost someone you loved, not necessarily a lover but just someone you cared about? How did you cope with it? Thanks for your answers already!
P.S. maybe my English is not that good, ask if you don't understand something.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
Libra
![[Image: 05onfire1_xp-jumbo-v2.jpg?quality=90&auto=webp]](https://static01.nyt.com/images/2016/08/05/us/05onfire1_xp/05onfire1_xp-jumbo-v2.jpg?quality=90&auto=webp)
Sagittarius
