Need Relationship Advice/Opinions

[Frank21]

Hello everyone,

My name is Frank, from California, USA. A little about myself, I am a full-time student at Cal State University, San Bernardino and I am also a teacher working at the YMCA. I have been openly gay since 2011, I am 22 now, going for 23 in January!

So, the reason I posted this is mainly for advice and opinions from honest guys who can possibly understand my situation. Let me start by saying that I am a decently attractive person, 6 ft tall, white/hispanic, average appearance, etc. I tend to date guys for about 2-3 months and then our relationships end. I am usually the one who begins and ends the relationships; I simply get bored very quick, so I feel the need to move on. However, I tend to move on fairly quick and then hurting the guys who I leave behind. I am very exhausted of this draining cycle happening all the time, I don't want to keep switching from guy to guy nor do I want to hurt anyone else. It is rather frustrating to say the least. I am currently in a relationship right now, with a sweet guy. However, I recently met a guy at school who likes me, and we began talking as friends.. Well it quickly escalated into flirting and now I feel bad for leading him on and for me keeping this from my boyfriend. I am not a evil person with bad intentions, I think I simply have the tendency of falling for many guys sometimes at the same time, which of course is conflicting. At a certain point, I thought maybe I could be a relationship addict.
Now, I'm stuck in this position which I have been before and I completely dislike. Sooner or later someone is bound to get hurt and I will feel terribly bad all over again. I need advice and help on what I could do in this situation, and perhaps in the future?
I've thought of being single for a while since I hardly ever take breaks, but that usually never works. I always end up in a relationship even though I know I shouldn't.

Thank you guys! Anything is highly appreciated.

[InbetweenDreams]

You say you get bored very quick...what is it about the guys you've dated that is making you get bored?

I don't see that there's something really wrong with you, but I think the key here is what is making you lose interest. I see you're 22 and still have a long way to go with learning about yourself in terms of a relationship. Is it safe to assume you want to be with someone for the long haul?

I think that is a good start

[Insertnamehere]

You sound exactly like a guy I know.

He says he doesn't like being lonely and since he doesn't have any problem getting guys liking him, he gets with them, dates them for a few months and then dumps them cause he gets bored. Then he doesn't like being alone and the cycle starts again.

You are one step ahead of this guy, in that you are aware of the damage you are making. He is not.

The questions to answer here, like axle pointed out is what is it that gets you bored? That leads to the question of what are you seeking in a relationship? and then to the start....why do you keep involving yourself in committed relationships.

You may want a long term thing, but it could be that you're not ready for that right now. That's not bad, but if that is so, if you feel like you can't stay committed, than they need to know it from the beggining. That is important for you to say to them, but first you must figure it out and realising it yourself, if this is the case, or if its due to some other thing.

I'd say take a break and look inwards and realise a few things about yourself regarding all that's been discussed, before you keep engaging yourself in relationships. You're not a bad guy, but you will keep hurting others if you don't.

[deltalover4]

It sounds like you've already made up your mind. Otherwise, I don't think you would even consider leaving your boyfriend to get with this other guy.

The only question I think exists is if you think this new guy can help you settle down, or if you love your boyfriend enough to settle down with him.

[LJay]

Whatever "dating" means, does it have to be an exclusive relationship? There was a time--a long time ago, I realize--when straight folks would see several people at once. They were not tied down and everyone knew what was going on. These days all the talk seems to be of either being locked in or lonely. I don't get it.

Perhaps you would do well to lighten it up a little and work out something that amounts to not being tied down but still having a good time with other guys.

Now here is where I need some advice from the rest of you guys. Does this happen? Especially since the drive for same sex marriage the dynamic seems to have shifted, but has it shifted to such an extent that people can not see others without making a complete commitment?

Another thing. When I was younger 22 often meant that marriage was in the wind. These days it seems more like 30. Are a lot of younger guys missing this?

[TwisttheLeaf]

Maybe the answer is to NOT become monogamous in the first place. Keep things more casual, and open from the start and make sure they stay that way. If someone isn't into that, they aren't right for you since they're going to end up hurt.

[MikeW]

...Anything is highly appreciated.

I can never tell when someone only posts once if they're reading the replies they're getting or not... much less how they see or feel about the replies. I QUOTE the OP so the system will email him my reply (unless he has that feature disabled). I encourage all of you to do the same. QUOTE the OP, even if it is only an excerpt.

Now, as to your dilemma. I agree with what others have said. I say over and over again on this and other forums: Gay guys begin DATING in their 20s the way straight kids do in their teens. OFTEN this is "serial dating"... and there's nothing wrong with it... so long as you know, own and understand what you're doing. It is OK to just "hook up" with someone just once. It is OK to date someone... see them repeatedly over a period of time... and NOT define your relationship as exclusive. It is OK to date multiple people simultaneously so long as everyone knows what is going on and is agreeable to it.

The next level of dating is GOING STEADY. That is a mutual agreement between two people dating to date only one another. It is NOT a marriage proposal. It is an opportunity to just experience what its like to spend quality time with someone you're interested in. It doesn't mean that it will BECOME a "marriage" situation. Most likely it will not. <<< Read that over and over again. Even if you go steady for months, possibly even for a year or more, there is no guarantee it will be a permanent life commitment.

Hurt feelings are what happen when people invest unequally in a relationship. I'm using the word "relationship" generically to mean any interaction between two or more people.

Hurt feelings are what happens when one person deceives another... or (as even more commonly happens) when one deceives one's self about a relationship. Hurt feelings are what happens when one party wants something more than the other party. Hurt feelings arise when I don't get what I want.

So... when you boil it all down.. it turns out that "hurt feelings" are actually a kind of selfishness. I'm hurt because I didn't get what I wanted from you.



whawhawha... And it's ALL YOUR FAULT YOU BIG MEANIE!!!!

So, all to say, especially at age 22 (which is about age 14 in straight dating years) you, OP, aren't doing anything very wrong or despicable. The one mistake you're making is not being clear with yourself and the people you're dating that you're NOT READY to settle into a "going steady" or "monogamous" relationship. This is where you're fooling yourself (apparently) and fooling your partners and that's what is leading to hurt feelings.

So what to do in this situation? Well... it is probably too late in this instance because, apparently, you've made or implied some kind of commitment to the BF. Not sure what the new guy thinks. But if you were honest with yourself, and honest with them from the get-go... that you are interested in getting to know them, interested in dating them, but not interested in being exclusive with any of them... things might be going differently, yeah?

IDK... is it just me? Am I so "old fashioned" I just don't "GET" contemporary dating rules? Like [MENTION=20933]LJay[/MENTION] said above, it didn't used to be this way. ... Didn't used to be that if you were "dating" then that meant "only dating YOU". IDK... maybe I'm just clueless. :\

[koseku]

Maybe you should say these guys who you date that you are not a long time relationship guy, and dont want them to have expectations, but still want to continue the relationship if they want too. This way, they would have been warned at least... But i wouldn't want to date with a such guy, since i want to trust.

[Lexington]

At the risk of sounding brutal, you don't want to keep doing this...but you keep doing this. Presumably because that's how you're currently wired. You seems to like the "freshness" of a new relationship, and once that wears off, you go off hunting for another. And honestly, that's totally fine - as long as the guys you date know that that's your MO.

I'd say just do what you've been doing. Be a serial monogamist. But let the guys know that that's been your history - they deserve to know that there's a decent to good chance that they won't need to pick out a restaurant for the one-year anniversary.

Lex

[Frank21]

IDK... is it just me? Am I so "old fashioned" I just don't "GET" contemporary dating rules? Like [MENTION=20933]LJay[/MENTION] said above, it didn't used to be this way. ... Didn't used to be that if you were "dating" then that meant "only dating YOU". IDK... maybe I'm just clueless. :\[/QUOTE]
Thank you sir for your time and wise words!