How to pursue this relationship

[brownlotus]

Friends,
I hooked up with a white guy 20 years my senior, who is an awesome guy, single currently & lives in the City center in a modest apartment. I am an Asian in my late thirties, on a work visa in this country. I have been single all my working life with occasional flings & a few FWBs only.
I travel one hour one way every week to meet him in the city & another one hours to travel back.
We have been fooling around together for 5 months now, meeting almost every week. I am worried I am getting very attached to him & can't stop thinking of him.
I understand he is very fond of Asians folks & must be actively meeting a few of them.
I am very compatible with him in the bed, but also very fond of his music, movies, books & political stands, I have fallen in love with him & his personality.
I am not sure though what my future would be in this country. I might have to go for temporary relocation to a different state/city, if I want to get my permanent residency initiated & processed by an employer.
How should I pursue this? I don't know if he feels the same away regarding me with equal intensity. He might be meeting many other young Asian guys here & might be considering me just as another FWB's maybe. After all he has a single apartment, which is very crucial.
I cherish all the time I get to spend with him & keep missing & thinking of him.
If I leave for another state, our chances of making any lasting relationships vanishes away.
How do I work on this? I am really fallen for him badly & need some help, guidance to understand what to do & how to sort this out.
I don't want to simply get myself out & return to my world of one night hook ups & FWB's, which has been very lonely with seldom soul connection.

[InbetweenDreams]

You mentioned that you think he sees other people? Does he have any idea about how you feel about him?

If he can't commit to a relationship then it is probably best to try not getting too attached as horrible as it may sound. Nothing is worse than having a crush on someone that doesn't share the same feelings for you. It's not easy finding someone but you have to stay positive and not let someone control your happiness.

I think those two questions would be a good place to start. If you think he might go in on a relationship with you then pursue it...

[MikeW]

...How do I work on this? I am really fallen for him badly & need some help, guidance to understand what to do & how to sort this out.
I don't want to simply get myself out & return to my world of one night hook ups & FWB's, which has been very lonely with seldom soul connection.

Well, I'm a firm believer that relationships should be based on (1) COMMUNICATION and (2) should be BALANCED.

So, you're teling us you've been seeing this man for sex for five months. You've become infatuated with him. But... you have no idea how he feels about YOU (apparently). You know he's "in to" younger Asian men... but this is not YOU, this is just a "type" or a "fetish" he has.

So... to prevent putting the cart before the horse, you need to find out how he feels about YOU. Is he interested in "dating" (as opposed to just having sex with) you? Is he interested in exploring the possibility of a *relationship* with you?

Once you know the answer to this question you'll see whether there is anything to think about in terms of "making this work." You can't "make" a relationship work when the other man isn't as interested in YOU (as a person) as you are in him.

So. One step at a time. Find out where he's at about you... then come back and talk with us about what you've found out.

[brownlotus]

Thanks Mike & Axle for replying to my post,
I know he has a fetish for Asian men, as he can't stop raving about them. He has a few younger than me Asian hook ups too in the city.
I have been trying to impress upon him that I am getting really attached to him & I am also worried that for myself, to which he said "Don't worry, I will never hurt you" & also mentioned in jest once that Lets get married.
However, since we live little far away from each other, its not possible for us to meet on demand, but only once of twice in a week. He has shared his music, movies, books with me & I too try and share lots of foods (sweets, chocolates, etc) and small mementos for him.
He has had his share of relationships in the past, which didn't work, he told me.
Every-time we are together and I speak of my attachment for me, he says me "You should meet young guys of your age, you should have a young BF" to which I always end us saying that wavelength-matching is much more important then age-matching.
His central location in the city gives him lots of opportunity to meet many Asians (in the city) probably, that's my hypothesis & he did mentioned about meeting quite a few of them earlier.
How should I take this up with him? Should I take it up at all or enjoy the intimacy that we get to have? Once my work-visa gets over in few years, I might anyways have to return to my native country to my old life of single life. Is it worth it to ask these difficult questions to him & get dejected?

[InbetweenDreams]

Honestly, if he's got other guys, of any kind, that he's hooking up with I got the feeling that it would be good for you to pursue a relationship with him. I would expect that you would find that he doesn't feel that way for you, but never hurts to ask him and find out for sure. The biggest thing I worry about is how you will handle finding out. You see to be infatuated with this guy and it is very likely that he doesn't want to commit. The only thing to gain is that you know for sure and that you don't lead yourself into disappointment.

[Camfer]

...Every-time we are together and I speak of my attachment for me, he says me "You should meet young guys of your age, you should have a young BF" to which I always end us saying that wavelength-matching is much more important then age-matching.
His central location in the city gives him lots of opportunity to meet many Asians (in the city) probably, that's my hypothesis & he did mentioned about meeting quite a few of them earlier.
How should I take this up with him? Should I take it up at all or enjoy the intimacy that we get to have? Once my work-visa gets over in few years, I might anyways have to return to my native country to my old life of single life. Is it worth it to ask these difficult questions to him & get dejected?

I am sorry to say it, but his response in bold stands out. It probably means he is not interested in an exclusive relationship with you. But it is still worth asking him the difficult questions, so you know the truth. It is better to be disappointed and know the truth than live a fantasy that you and this guy might one day have something more together.

So how to bring it up? Next time you two are alone together, be very direct. Something like, "Hey ______, I really like you a lot and like spending time with you. Do you see us as ever progressing past a FWB-type thing into something deeper like committed boyfriends? I am developing deeper feelings about us and I need to know clearly and directly for my own well being, if you think we have a future together."

Just say anything to open the conversation. It doesn't have to be perfect. It doesn't have to come out right. Don't wait for the perfect moment, just dive into the topic. You just need to talk about it for your own sake.

Good luck and let us know.

[dimondd]

Hello there.

My advice would be to move on and not pursue anything as you will probably get hurt. A few things just popped out when i read your message. Hes a baby compared to you. Not sure if you like younger guys to be honest, but i'm sure you can find one closer to you will reside on a permanent basis.


Good luck.

[AlfredM]

Well, based on dramas alone, I can tell that this is one of the main reasons FWB arrangement doesn't last for long. I'm with Camfer though, find out for once and for all what's his feeling for you. That'd be better than to wonder for the rest of your life of what could have been. And it'll be easier to move on, suppose he doesn't share your feeling.

[brownlotus]

Thanks for all your responses Camfred, Alfred & Diamond.

I appreciate & acknowledge that the right way to proceed would be to quiz him on this directly, as you suggested.

If he agrees to having a relationship & asks me to stay closer to him, will that work? I live 1 hr away from him, near to my office & he stays close to his, so you see there is a logistics issue (& I have seen this issue with numerous straight married couples too)

Secondly, since having a rent controlled apartment in the city is a coveted fact, he should not leave it under any conditions.

So, if living together is not feasible in the short run, how do I respond to these logistics issues? He did hinted a few times that "You live far away" but he still makes plans for us to share time watching movies once every month, I always pay contribution though.

The thing that worries me is, "Is it prudent to have this philosophy in life 'Either I get everything or nothing', playing on which I have remained practically a single guy all my life (last 15 years)" There have been few interesting guys, but most of them were either married, or not looking for a relationships, or partnered with a gay guy.

I was excited again when I met my friend, as he was single & was looking for possibilities.

It's not that I can't get a job near him, I surely can. But that would take time & patience.

Being in his late 50's, my friend might also be thinking to make as much hay as possible, which is not entirely wrong on his side, I would also do the same have I been in his position.

Question is again -- 'How to stop thinking of him all the time & let time take its own course & get my focus back on my life, work, other passions' --- I tried meeting new guys, tried immersing myself into music, movies, books -- I am also thinking of changing my current place (of single room stay) & moving to a shared place with a bunch of gay guys --- It should help... maybe?

I have also realized that not many guys are into Asian here, so I have been using my hand mostly for all these years. Will it be of any good, if I get rid of my current flame & had to go back to web-porn, very few hook-sups & daily masturbation?

[Camfer]

The logistics are the easy part. You guys can work that out if you have something together.

The question is, what do you have together? Have you taken a weekend trip somewhere together, or a longer vacation together? Has he spent the night and half the next day at your place? Have you done this at his place? Do you have a key to his place? Do you share clothes on occasion?

Yes, all-or-nothing thinking is not very useful. Relationships are compromises. As you become considerate of someone else's well being and concerned for his welfare, you might have to make some accommodations for that.

I think it's way too early for you to concentrate on logistics now. Concentrate on understanding what is the common ground with this guy, where you are both comfortable. *If* you establish that there is something more than FBs, then you start talking logistics, but not before.

Maybe you learn that he's just a FB, and you're good with continuing that. Maybe you learn you can cultivate something deeper.