Shame is stopping me from dating.

[kindy64]

This was something I thought I was past. But it's reared its ugly head in my life again. I was brought up by Catholic parents, and though they love me and understand that my sexuality it's something I can't help, and have told me several times that they are proud of me. The shame (for lack of a better word) halts me when I go to kiss, hug or even try and meet a fellow. I don't think this was placed on me entirely by my parents. I really think it's just society in general. I grew up when a gay man was something to be ridiculed. I don't know how to over come this compulsion to avoid affection and romance from a man. Has anybody else felt this way? If so how did you over come it?

In the immortal words of Jimmy Buffett...

"Why don't we get drunk, and screw..."

A little social lubricant may be what you need, or heavy amounts of therapy. JK about both (listening to JB at the moment...)

[Butterfingers]

No I'm not particularly religious. But what is really going through my head is that it's wrong. It's wrong...IT'S WRONG.

A is A, a thing is what it is, being gay is not wrong. If these thoughts are going through your mind you have to ask yourself if you believe them, if you don't just ignore them, if you do think that way you need to reconcile yourself to your sexuality.

[princealbertofb]

@hank. Honestly, it takes a while to accept your new self and to adjust to the fact that you should now be able to feel comfortable with your sexuality and your urges. One might expect that it would be quick, once one has made a conscious decision to come out.
But it's not the way it works. Some people feel that being penetrated or penetrated is wrong and it makes them uncomfortable, it takes a while to adjust your mind to that too. Kissing is quite similar. There weren't too many images of men kissing when we were growing up. How do you feel about watching two males kissing either in porn orin mainstream films? Does it make you feel uncomfortable or queasy? Or does it make you want to be the one who kisses? A warmth inside?
Maybe you put too much emphasis in your mind on the fact that the person you are kissing is a man / a male rather than the expected woman / female that our culture feeds us and has fed us day in day out since we were toddlers.
Maybe you could go for it, close your eyes and just let yourself be invaded by the sensuousness of lips (just forget that they're his lips instead of her lips). In the end, kissing someone on the mouth isn't very different whether man or woman... apart from the bristle of course.

[hank]

@hank. Honestly, it takes a while to accept your new self and to adjust to the fact that you should now be able to feel comfortable with your sexuality and your urges. One might expect that it would be quick, once one has made a conscious decision to come out.
But it's not the way it works. Some people feel that being penetrated or penetrated is wrong and it makes them uncomfortable, it takes a while to adjust your mind to that too. Kissing is quite similar. There weren't too many images of men kissing when we were growing up. How do you feel about watching two males kissing either in porn orin mainstream films? Does it make you feel uncomfortable or queasy? Or does it make you want to be the one who kisses? A warmth inside?
Maybe you put too much emphasis in your mind on the fact that the person you are kissing is a man / a male rather than the expected woman / female that our culture feeds us and has fed us day in day out since we were toddlers.
Maybe you could go for it, close your eyes and just let yourself be invaded by the sensuousness of lips (just forget that they're his lips instead of her lips). In the end, kissing someone on the mouth isn't very different whether man or woman... apart from the bristle of course.

If I see two men kissing I normally want to be one of them. I much prefer if I am watching pornography to see the actors kissing. Otherwise it feels so sterile.

[LJay]

So you want to be one of the guys you see kissing but when it comes down to reality you hesitate because you think it is wrong? Does this make sense to you? I stand confused. Please clarify.

[hank]

So you want to be one of the guys you see kissing but when it comes down to reality you hesitate because you think it is wrong? Does this make sense to you? I stand confused. Please clarify.

No it doesn't. Bout the slightest bit of sense. The best I can think of is simply years of trying to be straight has conditioned me.

[LJay]

Now that does make sense. Being older than a lot of guys around here, I still have my inhibitions that were born out of protective cover. Honestly, it is hard for me to really embrace the free and easy attitude that some younger guys espouse because I see them doing more asking for confirmation than living openly.

Thanks, Hank.

[kindy64]

Is this a reaction in private, in public, or both?
Is this a reaction just with new guys in your life, or also with guys you've gone on several dates with?

I can understand being hesitant asking a guy out, heck I've had a difficult time throughout my life asking women, and now men out. The hookup apps made it easy to just get physical with someone, I'm not awkward when behind a keyboard, but I went into those not expecting to date, or find romance.

For me, I believe it's always been a fear of rejection that prevents me from going up to someone and just talking to them, let alone finding out if they are into me, or want to date. General anxiety when asking someone out always kept me from asking people out. Self-reinforced behavior.

The problem lies in your head, so the answers are there to. Soul searching, as MikeW suggested is going to help you through this. A therapist can help guide you through that process. You need to be cognizant of what's going on in your head, and your body when you are having these reactions.

Finding the right guy for you will probably help as he should be able to keep your focus in the moment, with what is going on physically, rather than what is racing around in your head.

I know when my boyfriend sat on my lap the other day and start kissing me (out of the blue and first time ever,) I wasn't thinking at all, I was just reacting.

Hope this helps a little...

[hank]

Is this a reaction in private, in public, or both?
Is this a reaction just with new guys in your life, or also with guys you've gone on several dates with?

I can understand being hesitant asking a guy out, heck I've had a difficult time throughout my life asking women, and now men out. The hookup apps made it easy to just get physical with someone, I'm not awkward when behind a keyboard, but I went into those not expecting to date, or find romance.

For me, I believe it's always been a fear of rejection that prevents me from going up to someone and just talking to them, let alone finding out if they are into me, or want to date. General anxiety when asking someone out always kept me from asking people out. Self-reinforced behavior.

The problem lies in your head, so the answers are there to. Soul searching, as MikeW suggested is going to help you through this. A therapist can help guide you through that process. You need to be cognizant of what's going on in your head, and your body when you are having these reactions.

Finding the right guy for you will probably help as he should be able to keep your focus in the moment, with what is going on physically, rather than what is racing around in your head.

I know when my boyfriend sat on my lap the other day and start kissing me (out of the blue and first time ever,) I wasn't thinking at all, I was just reacting.

Hope this helps a little...

Thus occurs in private too