Thoughts on Love

[MikeW]

...The way I see it is I need to be happy with who and what I am, regardless of how I look or how much crap I have, money, cars, other material possessions. It all boils down to personality, attitude and attributes in the end.

So it would seem I'm smart enough to see all these things, just have to try to put it in practice.
...

"Trying" to put it in practice is likely a recipe for failure.



BEING... that's what it is we're talking about. Not "trying" to be.

Ho can you "be" if you're "trying" to be? Then all your being is trying. And we all know how trying "trying" persons are, Right?

So... How can we BE without trying? "DO" without "doing"?

Not to get all hippy-dippy on ya or anything, but her's how the Beatles said it in 1969:

[InbetweenDreams]

Well thanks for the responses. I'll digest all of those things but yeah I tend to feel better about myself when I am in a good mood and when I'm not in a good mood the opposite, which makes sense. However, I think I get the underlying message.

[InbetweenDreams]

Well that sort of puts me at ease.... Seems some people make it look all too easy... but I think the big realization for me in the here and now is what I was doing to someone in regards to putting them on a pedestal... The thing is you don't realize how ridiculous you're being... and then you realize it and well feel kind of awful about it. Certainly not something I had intended... basically everyone likes sweet things in moderation...but much like real sugar...too much can produce bad results.

I've definitely have taken things a bit too seriously... so for me it is learning to relax and give less fucks about things. It is difficult to find decent people who share similar interests and all those things but truth is there are other people... The other thing is I don't recall being on the receiving end of obsession so perhaps I lack perspective...

I don't think there's anything wrong with being excited about meeting someone who you think is awesome, just have to not let it consume you... just spoils things.

I had a conversation with a friend, it was pretty private had nothing to do with guys or dating, but sex stuff and I said I wished I was 19 and not 29. He said he felt the opposite because he felt I might have ended up like everyone else. He basically was saying that had I done things differently I might have ended up being a bit slutty I guess because I may have dated a lot of guys I haven't had much experience in relationships or sex... Sex is something anyone can learn and figure out as they go along, it's the emotional side and handling a relationship that's a challenge and really it seems a lot of people struggle with that regardless of how much experience they have... I guess it just works when it works and damn when it fucks up it fucks up bad like a train derailing.

[Cridders88]

I have to say guys, thankyou for this thread, it has been a real eye-opener, that's for sure. A lot of "that totally makes sense" stuff here. Thanks again

[CellarDweller]

When you're willing to sacrifice everything for the other person, and not care, but the other person won't let you do it.

[azulai]

I guess what I am trying to get at is how do you know you're not just "in love" but truly, genuinely love someone and feel confident that you do so.

I can only answer based on my experience now that I am past the initial attraction I have for my bf. Without getting too personal, I will say when we met there was this 'recognition.' We clicked from the beginning: humor-wise and value-wise. There were no games, no desire to control, no jealousy, in fact quit the opposite. Almost a confidence? We became inseparable, nothing forced, but a mutual desire to be together, not just sexually. That was an eye-opener for me as I’m someone who likes to be alone. So that was my initial, this guy is special and I was “in love.”

I realized I wanted a relationship with him and that I had genuine feelings for him over time. We do joke about the fact that he definitely fell first, and I was a little slower. What I came to realize is for me love is a feeling of freedom. There is a mutual acceptance of each other 'as is,’ yet we make each other better. Neither of us has to be "on" all the time, we can relax, let our guard down. We can stand before the other naked — physically and emotionally. I think love is a gift. I can't say that it's a sacrifice or a promise or anything because I think at different times it (love) will be called on to show itself in various ways to support the other.

I can say that love is somewhat like an onion, with layers. You love your parents, brothers and sisters, you care about them and spend time with them and connect with them and there are parallels (i think) between that and the kind of love you have with a partner.

This is where things get blurry for me. Suppose you're coming into a relationship and you really like someone, even the things they call flaws about themselves, you feel you want to spend eternity with them and want to put a smile on their face everyday. Is this love? Or is this just something else? I feel like I missing a link here.

I have always thought that if a couple can get over a fight that's the true test, but I also think in some cases fights can be pretty bad... It's subjective, what is the fight about and what does a fight got to do with being in love with someone. So I'm not totally convinced that a couple getting past a fight means that they really love each other...

I think the scary thing is how one can be so absolutely sure about someone today and say 7 years later you're ready to move on. Heck I'm just scared that I'm not going to make it to the 2nd date with someone that I admire just from talking to.

We are honest about each other’s strengths and weaknesses. It’s not at all like we are blinded by love. For example, my bf is very much a nurturer. He is kind and everyone who meets him really does love him. He walks into a room and his smile lights it up. He puts people at ease. He’s funny. I, on the other hand, am more aggressive, impatient, serious , and direct. I hate small talk. I can’t tell a story well. I’m always wondering what someone really wants, what they aren’t saying when they’re talking. I’ll throw myself in front a bus for a friend. I’m loyal and protective.

BUT, we challenge each other and balance each other. We feel confident that we can tell the other when he’s wrong because we want the best for each other. We want the other to succeed. I am protective of him because he can be too nice and get taken advantaged of. He has helped me accept a softer side of myself, he makes me slow down and calm down. I help him see the forest, he makes sure I stop and see the trees.

In the four years that we’ve been together — not too long by some standards yet not too short by others — life has thrown us a few curves. We grew separately. Other things took priority over our relationship and we did start arguing to the point where as you say, we thought maybe we were at a point that it would be better for us to move on. But what we found was that underlying bond is strong and flexible. I guess our love grew and changed and wasn't so rigid that it shattered. So love, for me, isn't a singular definable entity. I had to learn that recently. It isn't information that I went into a relationship knowing. The relationship -- the relationship dynamics -- dictate the lessons that we have to learn. It's going to be different for every one of us. I think fights/arguments change you, they change the dynamics of the relationships, but rather than seeing them as a negative as I did, I guess I'm trying to see them as opportunities to learn??? I see and maybe don't fear love changing any more??? It changes form but it's still love. It may run cold and turn to ice at times, it may be all hot and steamy at others, or it may be a peaceful tranquil lake. The bonds are still there. If it changes to something harmful and unhealthy, it's no longer love. The bonds are broken.

So I have no idea if we will make it to five years from now or 25, but at each step I expect us both to grow and learn. I can’t let the possibility scare me either way. There are no absolutes. But right now, I can look into his eyes and see his heart, and while I tend to be the protector, he gives the best hugs -- and when he holds me I know I'm home. :redface:

[InbetweenDreams]

I've some more thinking on the subject and I here's what I think.

1. I think people are scared of the word love because of what it implies, and people do use it wrongly, or get the wrong idea when someone says it to them.

So aside from all the crushing and all the emotional highs and lows that come with the territory do I love this particular person?

As a good friend, yes. That's is a certainty. I care about my friends and while I don't have many friends but my relationships with them are fairly close and I'm pretty open with them. I value good friends very highly so yes I do love them, although I generally don't say that but I think it would be accurate to say that.

No I wouldn't see so foolish to be whispering that in his ear... or anything like that because it isn't to the point where it would appropriate. Nor would I do anything I felt would make him uncomfortable...just too soon...and I'm bad for not being too bold when I'm putting a lot of thought and effort into someone, I take it seriously. It is very clear that love is just part of having a relationship, there's a lot to know about someone. Unfortunately it is more than just having good intentions, I don't think anyone got into a relationship with bad intentions... I think people do love each other and hope for the best and often just doesn't work out. So it's a matter of whether people are compatible and mature enough to make a relationship work. It can be trying to keep liking someone that lets you down for someone reason.

I think in this case it is good to self reflect, looking inward at myself. I mean besides the physical stuff, I mean what behaviors do I have that might help or hurt things in a relationship... well hard to say for sure. Some people can't stand someone to be unorganized, or forgetful, or selfish, and many other things. Not saying I need to be perfect but it is something to think about, what can be done here to be better? Some people get driven insane by people who are just too damn good and "perfect," I have seen/heard it all. So no matter what you do, or how much you change or try to change just isn't going to work for some people. So the question is what is tolerable over the grand scheme of things...not just shit you put up with today...but think 20 years of something that is mildly annoying...could become one of the things that absolutely piss you off.

I won't even go into the whole area of what I call being sexually selfish... Not knocking people who make open relationships work but cheating, trying to hide things... I mean the minute you can't be honest from someone and the minute you can't handle the truth... That's pretty much like a bunch of Iron in a star...it's going to die soon and it's usually not very good.

Am I always truthful? No, everyone lies...even the priest! Am I the kind of person that would cheat or hide things? In the past somewhat, but never cheated. Usually hide things either because of insecure feelings about whatever it was...not because I was trying to be dishonest.

2016 I think is going to be a good year for me. I feel like I have learned a lot of new things all across the board. I'm making better choices about my health and starting to think about things that are beyond 5 feet in front of me...and it's about time.

Anyway got a little off subject. I think love is what it is, it isn't any more mysterious than any other emotion it is just being able to appreciate another person, TRULY, not just for the moment until they do something to make you mad, and be willing to meet them more than half way. I think you have to be willing to give a kidney for the person. If you're not willing to do that for your partner, unless you only have one kidney, you might not really love them.

Then again what do I really know about love anything....these are just some thoughts.