Need some advice, Im always crying 😢

[fra4lcj]

Hey guys new on here so sorry if im posting this in the wrong section but I really need some help & advice.

To give you guys the full story I was with my ex girlfriend for 10 years, we were planning on getting married etc and we started growing apart and stopped talking and seeing each other as much and she ended up cheating on me and we split up and went seperate ways. Shortly after splitting up i got a new job in a different town than where i lived, and met loads of new people and a few of them happened to be gay who i got on really well with, and became good friends with.

Few months after splitting up with my ex girlfriend i started going out with these gay guys and girls from work and ended up in few gay bars (my first experience ever btw) and i ended up drinking quite a bit and dancing alot, never in my wildest dreams could i have guessed what was going to happen next, i got approached by a really good looking guy who i ended up dancing with and kissing ( by this time im really really drunk) and i went with it and it felt amazing, i hadnt felt passion like that in years and i think i enjoyed it. After that drunken kiss he got my number off a friend and text me the next day asking if i would like to see him again to which i said yes but needed some time to come to terms with what had happened, anyway i saw him for a while, we used to watch movies, kiss and have a little fun here and there but we talked alot and he really helped me to deal with my sexuality. He asked me if i wanted a relationship and i got scared and ran a mile and since that day we've never spoken.

Since then i was curious and i started meeting other guys just for a little fun here and there, but something amazing happened in July 2014, i was round my cousins for a party out of town and i messaged this really hot guy i saw on grindr, he messaged me back the next day and we talked loads and got on amazingly, he asked me if i would like to go on a date with him, to which i agreed, he seemed like a really nice guy and was a really nice guy too when i met him in person.

Me being silly was thinking all sorts like who pays for the food all the usual silly stuff etc, I really fancied him and thought it could be the start of something really amazing, so I agreed to go on a date, I drove an hour to his place, picked him up, we went to the cinema watched Transformers 3,really enjoyed it, had a really good laugh, ad then he took me around his town centre, showed me where we worked etc, and then we went for few drinks and I dropped him off home and then drove an hour home myself (I lived 40 miles away from him) We met the next da round his, we watched a movie, we were stroking each others leg and it was all going perfect, we didn’t kiss till the 3rd date and it was amazing an mind blowing, I still remember it now and it makes m heart melt. So we kept seeing each other and after a couple of months we said I love you to each other and it was a really good feeling to hear it back. We used to have the most amazing sex, we were sooo intimate and passionate with each other, I couldn’t keep my hands off him, and he couldn’t keep his hands off me, He would try new things he hadn’t done before and so would I because we felt so comfortable with each other.

Anyhow after 6 months of just seeing each other on Friday evenings, and Saturdays we decided to move in together and it all started going horribly wrong, we would text each other all day whilst at work silly stuff, like I’m horny and send each other naughty pics and say we will do naughty things to each other when we got home but nothing ever happened. We would get home, shower together in the same shower, without touching each other and then eat, watch TV and get in bed. One day he would say his backs hurting, the next his hip, and I slowly started realising that we’ve stopped having sex. He would get horny maybe once a week and try and wank me off and make me cum as quick as possible which doesn’t really do anything for me, so I just went along with it thinking its just a phase, anyway it would then be 2 months would go by and we would never have sex, he would just want to wank me, so I started doubting myself thinking have I changed? Does he not fancy me anymore etc? The usual silly questions we ask ourselves when we feel rejected. And I ended up going on grindr speaking to other guys about is it normal not to have sex for 2 months, am I normal to want to have sex? Am I normal to be horny every day? I was driving myself crazy, He then caught me on grindr sending guys pics of me topless etc and it really upset him and he cried, I promised him I had never cheated on him and was talking to other guys to see if im normal or weird, so we decided to give it another go, nothing changed, still no sex, just kept trying to wank me once a wee, if that even.

It got to a point where I was like he don’t want to have sex with me so Im not going to make an effort with him, Ive spoken to him about it, and at first he said it was his weight as he had put on a stone us living together, and didn’t feel comfortable having sex, which I was fine with, then months went by I would ask him again why we don’t have sex and he would bring up the grindr/trust issue. A few more months would go by I would ask him again why we don’t have sex and its now the weight issue. The last time I had amazing sex with him was around February/March time (this year), and we tried having sex is August and as soon I started moving, he said it hurts and was uncomfortable so I stopped immediately. Since then we haven’t even tried to have sex and its December, so that’s like 5 months now without any sex. I know a relationship isn’t all about sex and I agree with that statement 100%, a relationship is so much more but it is a big deal for me anyway. Its way of showing love, passion, intimacy etc. He used to me so horny I bottom’d for him and really enjoyed it. Since living together all of this year He’s had sex with me more than Ive had sex with him, and its bugging me so much to the point Im always sad, I just want to know why he wont have sex with me?

[Insertnamehere]

Holy shit, this went to moderation didn't it?

Bumping this.

Will read later, so if you ever come back, sorry...

[ceez]

Yeah how did we miss this?

Anywho, OP if you're still checking in I would have a heart tof heart with him and tell him how you feel. I agree that sex isn't everything but it's still an important part of a relationship.

[thawoods]

to those who have been deeply loyal to people, sex is very important, on the other hand, to those who have been used to a life given over to sex, intimacy makes a high priority.....

[Kai12]

I'm sorry but I have to say that. I and my ex bf hadn't sex for 6 months/year. He said he has a lot of work, but I know he hadn't. He had another guy!
When your bf doesn't want to have sex with you, you have to accept some risks. Maybe he is fancying another guy and he feel you are boring. Maybe he has some problem with his heath and don't want to say to you. Maybe he wanna be a bottom ( My friend is a bottom and his bf is versatile, after 3 months, his bf wanna be a bottom and some terrible thing happened =.=") ( These're just examples)
I think 2 of you should have a deep and serious conversation and you should be lightly with him.

[MikeW]

....I just want to know why he wont have sex with me?

First of all, [MENTION=23240]fra4lcj[/MENTION], we want to apologize that your question didn't get any responses for two weeks. It appears it got put into a moderation queue and just now showed up on the forum. Very sorry about that. Please don't take it personal. The software is set up to randomly hold back posts by people who have less than 50 posts. This is meant as a defense against trolls but, unfortunately, once in a while, it holds back a FIRST post from someone when it shouldn't ever do that. Anyway, we hope you'll come back and talk more with us about your situation. You've begun to get a few replies.

We had another thread on the forum by someone else (I assume) asking pretty much the same question. Their BF had stopped having sex once they were living together. Why is this?

Well, of course we don't know. The only person who does know is the BF. The thing is, it is possible a) that he isn't *consciously* aware of what is holding him back. OR, b) it is possible that he feels uncomfortable TELLING you why.

In your post you indicate that he was complaining about pain... this could be why he doesn't want to have sex. It could be both of you need to figure out HOW you can have sex in a way that is enjoyable for both of you. That requires communication and experimentation.

We're happy to be a support if we can. You can ask us for suggestions, for example, and you'll see everyone has a different POV on the subject.

But the most important thing is that communication between you and your BF needs to be cleared up. There needs to be an open dialogue that is neither shameful nor blaming... a real investigation. There are so many possibilities it wouldn't be helpful to go through them. The most important thing here is WHY is it you (and perhaps your BF) don't know the answer to the question I've quoted from your OP. How is it that this is something that (apparently) your BF doesn't feel comfortable talking about? Is he avoiding open and honest dialogue about it, and if so why? Only he can answer that question. And he needs to feel that he can answer that question SAFELY.

[fra4lcj]

Am still here, i had a long chat with him and asked him to write his thoughts down, this is what he sent me:

My thoughts…..

When we met I knew we would be together and spend the rest of our lives together, we connected and I felt something I have never felt before, the feeling first hit me when we first spoke and then when we met it amplified and I knew the feeling would not go away and I didn’t want it to.
We continued our love story and it was amazing, doing stuff together, talking all the time and getting to know each other more. He said to me that he had never been on a date with a guy and truth be told neither had I, I had never walked on the beach with a guy, been out for a nice meal just the simple things like watching a movie and never letting each other go.
When we spoke about moving in I was so scared leaving my job, leaving my friends and family and going to an unknown place. My head and heart agreed that it was the right thing to do as I hated us being apart and our love was growing and the distance was a killer, I hated when he had to leave all I wanted to do was hold him in my arms and never let go. I knew I could not lie to my mum so I came out, this was the most scared I have ever been as she already has a gay son and I knew she wanted more grandchildren, she did not believe me but came round in the end and under stood.
When we moved in things were fine to start and I had never felt happier, I was annoyed that I had to move loads of stuff in on my own after working all day and that I never got chance to say goodbye to my brother who took me in for the past 4 years and done so much for me. I didn’t make a big deal of it as I didn’t want to start our future together in a bad way.
Just before moving out I noticed I was putting on weight again and I started to feel down about it but did not let it bother me as that’s what happens when your in a relationship. Time went on and I gained more and started to feel ugly and horrible about myself and started to get scared that he would find me unattractive, this affected me in so many ways, I didn’t want to get physical as I felt disgusted with my body, being in the shower I was scared being naked in front of him for too long as I didn’t want him to notice the change in my body, all I kept saying to myself Is he loves me he wont care but I couldn’t not stop.
The first time I see the dating app on his phone I wanted to ignore it, my whole body went numb and thought I was seeing things just thinking he wouldn’t, I remember asking him what was he doing and said playing a game, I knew then it was what I thought, I was so angry I wanted to jump out the car, I was then sad and wanted to cry. We got inside and I could not hold back the tears and my heart felt like it was going to stop, my soul had left my body and my life was over, I felt I had lost the love of my life that it was all happening again my past was repeating itself.
I tried to leave but I couldn’t my heart would not let me, this is when I knew our hearts were one and the further away I was getting the more pain I was feeling the thought of never seeing him again was killing me, I cried on the bus and could not stop I had to get of and go back.
When we spoke he promised that it would not happen again and I believed this with all my heart, the state he saw me in I thought he wouldn’t, not long after things slightly settled I had a feeling that he was on it again so I downloaded it, he was on there again, my whole body started to shake so I thought I would confront him while he was sitting in his car out the front of our home, I asked if he had been on it again and he said no and swore on his mums life, I said I had the proof on my phone and got it and showed him, all he could do was look down and say sorry.
I thought to myself I have to go for good this time and was determined to go for good, but again my heart would not let me go, at this point I thought if I don’t leave this will show him how much I love him and he would never do it again.
It happened again and I see the messages this time and pictures that were exchanged of his hard willy in his hand, this image still haunts me to this day as he is mine and only mine. It got more serious this time and I packed up and my brother came and got me, driving back was so hard and I could not stop crying I felt my life had ended as I had lost the love of my life, what I had seen I thought I would never forget.
The day after I moved back to my brothers we spoke and a lot was explained regarding how he was feeling about him self and that how I made him feel, I decided to go back as I blamed myself for why he chose to do what he had been doing.
Things seemed better for a while we seemed to be getting on but what I had seen was haunting me everyday, I was looking at him and his body how perfect he looked and the types of guys that he was sending messages to and just thought that’s what he wanted not the mess I had become.
I posted a pic on FB and his sister see this so we left where we were living and came to my brothers, when we was packing and moving stuff we was broken and neither of us could stop crying, this was the first time in ages all the bad thoughts of what happened stopped, at first we was going to separate and he was going to live at his sisters and me at my brothers but we was so upset he stayed with me and told his sister he was not going back, I was so happy.
I really thought at this point after everything how things made us both feel it would finally be ok.
We was heading towards a agency for me to register to start work and I had his phone and see grinder on there again, at this point I wanted to kill myself as I felt I had lost him for good.
I suppose we have always been up and down since moving in together but I just didn’t see why he could not talk to me, when he held me I felt how much he loved me, when he was sad I felt it, when he was happy so was I, why would he keep doing this to me I just didn’t understand, I know he said about how I had changed and stopped being passionate and that I agreed with as I had, this was down to how I felt about myself and what kept happening made it worse.
Recently the most heartbreaking event happened that he was taken away from me by his family due to a rumor going round Where he used to live, I have never felt pain like this not since my nan passed away.
I was going mad making up all things in my head and it wouldn’t stop. I started to check emails of his and see conversations he was having with guys, I said that I knew he had sent pics but I didn’t actually see any he sent only what had been sent to him, one guy was an old flame of his before me, I then found out this guy had his number and they had been speaking, in my head I thought he has cheated, he had also been speaking to another guy also asking to meet up.
I am so angry typing this, every time I think about it I go mad with rage and my body shakes like I’m going to explode.
This is defo one step too far and any trust I had has gone, I can honestly say it has destroyed me, I love him so much so I cant leave him and I will fight until we are back to the way we was, but I cant trust him, every time I see him on his phone I think the worst, every time he is quiet I think the worst, I know I’m strong but I feel every time I this has happened its broken me and I have become weak.
I am so scared that one day he will cheat on me but the thing is I still think I would stay with him, I love him that much and could not imagine my life without him in it.
I know in my head and heart he is the one and I pushed him into what he has done and how he has hurt me, deep down I do feel I deserve this as I know I can be moody and horrible and I stopped paying him attention and he deserves attention as he is FAF.
I do hope the trust rebuilds as I need this now we are apart and my head just plays tricks on me what he is doing or who he is with.
I know I could not take anymore as I am broken enough, the other night I tried to cut my wrists in my brothers living room after we argued but the only thing that stopped me was him, not how my family would feel but how he would feel and what he would be going through, that’s how much I care for him, I honestly do love him more than I care to admit, I think he knows how much I love him I just need to show it more then maybe all this would not have happened and I would not be writing this. My thoughts part 2….

Since he has been gone my head is all over the place, one minute he is here and we are planning our future then he is gone.
We both said we would give things a chance living apart and I was happy with that as I wanted him in my life one way or the other, the thing is its too much. If you take air away from someone they will die and he is my air, I honestly cant live without him.
We used to fall asleep next to each other and wake up the same way, we would eat, shower, i would wrap my legs round him whilst playing PS4 but its all gone.
I was ironing cleaning today and that felt normal as I used to love doing it on my own anyway, it was the ironing as all I kept thinking was that I would be ironing his clothes for work right about now but I wasn’t, this made it seem more real, I made some smokes enough for both of us to counter act my feelings of sadness.
In my heart I want to be with him more that anything but its so hard, with everything that has happened, all the apps, messages, images and phone calls, how can my mind be at eases when he is 40 miles away???
I sit and feel so warn thinking of all the good times and then just one second of a memory of what’s happened and the good thoughts are gone.
I am driving myself insane, is he talking to other guys? Has he been on apps? Has he spoken to this mike? It just wont stop, the truth is I know he isn’t and wouldn’t.
I feel like I need to punish myself so I wont eat and just smoke and drink but I know that’s not punishment its just damage, I went for a walk in the rain earlier as that normally helps but it didn’t, nothing seems to.
I honestly feel I have lost part of me, him not being with me I cant sleep, I don’t want to eat, I haven’t had a shower, nothing is the same no more.
I know we said about staying together and making this work but I feel I have to let him go and it hurts so much.
I got wound up that I had not heard from him for over an hour earlier, the thoughts got so much worse that he was busy chatting with other guys, I know he was on his PS4 but then that made me sad that he seems more interested in that than talking to me, I know Im just being a child.
I text him some horrible things and I keep doing this and its not fair, I get so wound up with these thoughts and missing him I get confused to the point I don’t know what im doing.
I know if I keep doing this I will loose him, that’s if I have not already.
I want to go to his house and put him and his stuff in a car and bring him back so bad, I want to feel his skin on mine, I want to look into his eyes while we talk, have a shower together and get into bed, cuddle up and kiss each other and say goodnight, wake up and feel each other laying there.
My heart is lost and my head is confused without him, a year together is a long time just to be gone and not knowing when it will be again.

I just want this sadness, these bad thoughts, the pain in my heart to go away but I know they only way is for him to be back with me again.