Who is the confused one?

[Confuzzled4]

I tried posting this the other day, but it didn't post for some reason. I'm sorry if this is a bit long winded, but I have what I consider to be a "situation." I have a best friend that I've been friends with for 10 years, let's call him Eric. I never thought of him as anything other than a friend, until a few months ago when he became the object of my affection. We were in his pool, and he came up with this game where we would throw a ball and if it dropped we had to scramble to get it using only our feet. This led to a lot of touching which set everything off for me. A few months later, we were hanging out and when we were leaving his house he randomly slapped my butt and said "you have a nice plump butt." I don't know if it's verbatim, but it's pretty close to what he said. Then a few weeks ago we met and went to an outdoor gallery. He was about to put his arm around the back of my head and rest it on my shoulder (he's 5 inches taller than I am) until he saw a married couple walking boy and he pulled his arm back right away. There are other instances I can think of, but none as recent and telling to me as the last 3 times we've been together. Complicating everything is the fact that he has a girlfriend, so I really don't know what to make of it. Personally, I think he's a closeted bisexual who can't give into the pressure because of his family, but I feel I'm lost. Am I wrong? Is he confused? What do you make of this? Please let me know.

[Camfer]

My vote is that you are the confused one, who is engaging in wishful thinking. He sounds like a normal straight guy who is comfortable around his friend, period.

[AlohaShannon]

I tried posting this the other day, but it didn't post for some reason. I'm sorry if this is a bit long winded, but I have what I consider to be a "situation." I have a best friend that I've been friends with for 10 years, let's call him Eric. I never thought of him as anything other than a friend, until a few months ago when he became the object of my affection. We were in his pool, and he came up with this game where we would throw a ball and if it dropped we had to scramble to get it using only our feet. This led to a lot of touching which set everything off for me. A few months later, we were hanging out and when we were leaving his house he randomly slapped my butt and said "you have a nice plump butt." I don't know if it's verbatim, but it's pretty close to what he said. Then a few weeks ago we met and went to an outdoor gallery. He was about to put his arm around the back of my head and rest it on my shoulder (he's 5 inches taller than I am) until he saw a married couple walking boy and he pulled his arm back right away. There are other instances I can think of, but none as recent and telling to me as the last 3 times we've been together. Complicating everything is the fact that he has a girlfriend, so I really don't know what to make of it. Personally, I think he's a closeted bisexual who can't give into the pressure because of his family, but I feel I'm lost. Am I wrong? Is he confused? What do you make of this? Please let me know.

I guess I see a few points to address with what you described.

1. Dissecting the nature of "Eric's" touching in the pool could give some much needed insight. Don't look at it through how you perceived the touching, but try to see his intent so you can accurately understand whether or not he was trying to send you a message.

2. Ass-slapping in and of itself isn't necessarily an act to express his attraction to you. Many guys grow up in uber athletic worlds where slapping butts has no sexual undertones. However, I used to do it to other guys and look at me now! I think his comment is a bit sexual in nature so the context of that one seems a bit like he was interested in your booty.

3. It's only been two years since I started the process of accepting who I am and I still find myself feeling awkward displaying affection in public. It's not that I'm embarrassed, but when I've been hesitant to hold a guy's hand or kiss in public, I've come to realize that I'm afraid of unwanted attention as well as homophobic looks and comments. Your friend may be uncomfortable with anyone witnessing his advances towards you...especially since he currently has a girlfriend and by all accounts lives and acts completely straight except when around you.

Yes, there's a chance that he is confused about his sexuality as well as a chance that you're confusing his actions. But if this is something you want to put to rest, then why not ask him about it? You can do it in a way that does not suggest anything regarding his sexuality. Be tactful but also understand that he might become defensive or he could be very open to talking about it.

Whatever you choose to do, I wish you the best of luck. I honestly think that as long as you live as authentically as you can, then you can't go wrong.

[hank]

I think Camfer is correct. Some guys are a little in the flirty side. It doesn't mean they are into you. Perhaps you are a little lonely. I get that way when I'm feeling like that. But don't put the moves in him if you are in doubt. Trust your instincts.

[meridannight]

i agree with the general tone that he's just a straight guy comfortable with physical contact. i don't know him, and i can't say for sure, but physical contact alone is not expressive of sexuality in any way (except for the obvious, of course).

one of my best friends is very physical with me and he's completely straight. and i am very physically-affectionate myself with both my lovers and friends. i love to hug a guy and just be in physical contact with him. i do it with my friends (people i am close to and have a connection with) and it isn't a sexual thing. it's a way to express intimacy and connection for the guy. i connect with men easily and i love to express that type of affection for them. and when i do it, it might come off as something more intimate, and it is intimate, yet it's not necessarily sexual.

slapping a butt is just slapping a butt; it's friendly horse play. not a particularly intimate thing to do, really. i've done more intimate things to my straight friends' bodies without meaning it in a sexual way.

in any case, whether he might be interested in guys of not, he is in a relationship. you should lay off that. forget about this possibility that sprang into your head and respect his relationship.

[Confuzzled4]

Thanks guys, some different opinions that gives me a lot to think about. Currently he is away for job training in another state, and I hope to visit him before he comes back to my area. I do want to talk to him about it, as it's really been eating away at me. I wouldn't make advances at him or anything, though I must admit last we saw was also unusual. When he was leaving, I asked if I could give him a "European sendoff", meaning a kiss on each cheek as I elaborated. He said okay, let me do it then said "In Belgium they do three kisses" then proceeded to do a bobbing motion. I will talk to him, just not sure how direct I will be. I almost want to ask "have you ever felt attracted to a man", but perhaps this is too direct. I feel he probably would give me an honest answer if I asked, unless he truly is uncomfortable.

[Insertnamehere]

I can't for the life of me understand why you peeps don't notice the under-50-posts-moderation-happens bit, upon signing up. It's there! I remember it clearly.

As for the rest, I'm with the other guys. Whatever it looks to you it doesn't matter, perception is not reality. If it is whatever it is, you need to look at it from his intentions, not yours.

[Confuzzled4]

Thanks guys for responding, I'm not quite sure how to analyze his intentions at all, but I do think I will end up talking to him as tactfully as I can. I have never been in a relationship and never had any physical play of any kind, so of course my mind went to where it wanted to go whether my perception is correct or not. Regardless, I think we are at least at a level of friendship that if I'm totally wrong we both can move past it. I want to bring up the topic only because I don't feel I can be truly happy for him unless I rest this first, and I feel like a terrible person for harboring that sentiment. Again I appreciate you all for responding, I'm new here and I must say this is a wonderful level of catharsis.

[Confuzzled4]

I tried posting literally the exact same thing before and it never went through which just took me by surprise, but I digress. Thank you all for your feedback. I have said to myself that it could very well be just me telling myself something I want to believe, mainly because I have never been in a relationship and never had that kind of play with anyone, at least not nearly recent enough for me to remember. Anyway, I feel I need to be honest with him because it has made things difficult for me, and even if he is not I want to be happy for him and kind towards whomever he does love. I think I can tactfully talk to him the next time I see him if an opportunity presents itself, I just feel like a terrible person that I can't be happy for him to the full extent that I should be because I want him in a deeper way right now. Irrespective, we will at least be friends I have never had a friend so dear as him in my life and vice versa. I am completely new to these forums, so this I found to be amazingly cathartic thank you again all.

[Camfer]

Are you sure it will help to confess your man-crush to your friend? Now that you are facing the facts, maybe you can just let your man-crush diminish on its own. As it goes away, then what is there to talk about, really? You might find your relationship with him is better served by keeping quiet and allowing him to express himself naturally without having to make exceptions for you. After all it's really just your issue and not his, right?

Easiest and fastest way to get rid of a straight-guy crush is to get interested in a gay guy!