losing my friend

[meridannight]

i have this friend, a great guy. a really great guy, actually, he is an amazing person, one of the greatest men i've ever met. i like him a lot and i pursued this friendship with him. but we end up clashing, he keeps pulling shit that just ends up ticking me off. and it happens on a regular basis with him. there's some fundamental divide between us and i don't know how to make it alright.

what he does, either it's not a big deal to him, in which case him and i are on a different page on priorities. or he just doesn't care how it affects me. both scenarios are unacceptable to me.

i can't put myself in this bullshit anymore. i feel disappointed by him and saddened by what he does on a regular basis. this is not a healthy friendship...

the amazing parts with him...when everything is great, then things really are amazing between us. i love him as a person and i care about him and what happens to him. but the next day he will cancel things we were supposed to do, renege on promises he made.... it happens on a constant basis, not just occasionally. i've felt let down so many times now that i'm at the end of my rope. he is a few years younger than me, but i don't know if it's an age thing or not.

i know i started this thing. i pursued him, not the other way around. i am aware i probably want this friendship more than he does. i am aware that it probably means more to me than it means to him. and that's okay, i can live with that. but why then would he make it look like he's equally interested? i've confronted this issue with him, and he tells me that i am wrong and he wants my friendship as well. that i'm one of the few guys he does think of as a friend, and not just an acquaintance, or some random person. and yet i don't see it in his actions. he has told me beautiful things, and they're all just words. i don't see it in the way he behaves towards me.

i'm the type of person who doesn't care about words. actions matter. you can tell me good things or bad things, but none of that matters to me. it's a man's actions that mean something to me. and he is 99% words and 1% action. consequently i feel like i am being told things that aren't really true. i can't believe a guy's words if how he behaves doesn't back it up.

i can't be in a friendship like this. i don't want to lose him, i think i will always care about him. he really is an amazing guy. but this isn't healthy for me. i keep feeling frustrated and saddened by the things he does. i feel like it would be better if i just let him go and break this thing off, even though that is not what i want.

[Cridders88]

Sorry to hear you are experiencing this Meridan. How long as he been flaking out on you for? Has he become very busy recently or is this a long term thing this behaviour?

If it is, then it sounds like he may not be being entirely honest with you. People like that really bug me. I'd rather them just say if they are not interested anymore, rather than "being let down gently", which supposedly is better even though it involves being lied to. No-one deserves to be treated that way, especially by a friend. I agree, actions speak louder than words for me too.

If this behaviour continues then it might be wise to end the friendship. If it is a fairly recent thing for him to start doing this then it might be worth giving him the benefit of the doubt for now. I hope things work out for you

[meridannight]

Sorry to hear you are experiencing this Meridan. How long as he been flaking out on you for? Has he become very busy recently or is this a long term thing this behaviour?

If it is, then it sounds like he may not be being entirely honest with you. People like that really bug me. I'd rather them just say if they are not interested anymore, rather than "being let down gently", which supposedly is better even though it involves being lied to. No-one deserves to be treated that way, especially by a friend. I agree, actions speak louder than words for me too.

If this behaviour continues then it might be wise to end the friendship. If it is a fairly recent thing for him to start doing this then it might be worth giving him the benefit of the doubt for now. I hope things work out for you

it's been a year like this. ever since the beginning, in fact. i didn't see him during the summer, i was out of town most of the time, but this is how it's been from the get go. and the end of the year wasn't any different.

i don't even know what to make of it. i just know i can't do this anymore. and people don't change. i will talk to him, but i don't expect it will change anything in a significant way.

i can't and i don't want to force him to be anything else. but the way things are is unacceptable to me. so i guess there aren't a lot of prospects.

[Borg69]

In your OP, you dance around gracefully over how great he is, and how horrible he is... I think part of the disconnect is you're seeing him and judging him for whom you WANT him to be, not for how he really is... and putting the ball in your court and making it your problem but putting the blame on him.

Either you accept him or you don't. You can't fault him for not living up to some standards you want him to have. Yes... he's ALMOST perfect... if only he would just... (Enter list of your perceived improvements on his behavior to your specifications.).

Is he gay? Are you physically attracted to him?

[Anocxu]

I think the issues here are ..
(Long post)

Baseline Integrity,
'Maturity' (as you stated), Respect and Passion.

What you consider to be a meaningful, successful relationship is beyond his comprehension.
You seem to take more pride and passion in how you engage him which is the reason he likes you .. on the other hand he just doesn't seem to grasp the fact that he has to reciprocate in order to validate or solidify the friendship.

As human beings we love differently. . Everyone seems to have their own version of love and respect.

Now here is another angle regarding passion.
We all behave differently when we are passionate about something or someone.
I think you are extremely pro active and precise whenever you are passionate and he's just pretty sloppy.

But..

The inconsistencies listed above does not mean that he doesn't love and adore you.

Now ..

Here comes this part..
Disclaimer

Absolutely no disrespect meant.. the last thing I would do is to break your spirit more than it is right now..

Ready?

You are just now coming to terms with the true character of your friend and it's disappointing...

He is not the person you thought he was .

There is a part of you that wants him to be something else?
(A man of his word, a bit more sensitive and not a disrespectful flake)

Or .

It will certainly take time for him to be a better friend if he follows your lead... which totally could happen.. in time.

I think you are expecting a basic list of things that we all expect from a great friend ..unfortunately your friend falls short of being .. Great

Conclusion. .
He's a good guy that you "take as he comes". .
Leave things be..
He is who he is..
He can't be on your "high" list of priorities...right now.






(Meridan totally has a man crush!!.. Awwww)

[meridannight]

[MENTION=21075]Borg69[/MENTION]
this is not about who he is. he is a great guy, there is no denying that. i have no problem with the person he is and it is not within my right to ever ask him to change. nobody has that right about another person.

i will always care about him, and be there for him, no matter what happens with this friendship.

it's about how i feel in this friendship. and constantly being left disappointed and frustrated is not something i take pleasure in. i don't want him to change. i just don't know how to make this thing work anymore. i am out of ways to make it work. i have tried all this time. and i am standing in the same spot i was when it began. i don't know what to do to not feel let down by him and still feel like the two of us are in a friendship. if i knew how to do that, all would be great.

it's not me who gets my hopes up expecting him to be something he is not. he makes promises and commitments to me that he never fucking keeps. i've even stopped asking him to commit to anything, and he commits on his own. only to not keep his word. and although i can say that, in perspective, it shouldn't surprise me, when he does that it's still hurtful. how can i be involved in a friendship where i get hurt? you tell me.

he is straight and he is physically very attractive to me, but i am not involved with him in that sense. i.e. i am not emotionally invested outside friendship. he also has a great girlfriend, he's happy, and i'm happy for him.

[Confuzzled4]

It could potentially be a maturity thing, I know when I was 15, 16 I constantly made plans with my best friend and canceled. Likewise, my best friend has said to me a few times I know I'm not always there, but I care. Like many things, it'd probably be beneficial for you to talk things out. I might add, I have what I consider to be a decent number of friends and there are many times that I get frustrated and annoyed with them for various reasons, one of which being making plans and then not following through. I really believe having friends means there is bound to be some level of disappointment because we're all human, but understanding where to draw the line for disappointment. If someone cancels on you last minute for some small get together, it's not as big a deal. If someone cancels a vacation last minute after months of planning for no good reason and doesn't understand that it's an issue, that's not worth tolerating. But again, I say just talk about it communication does wonders.

[meridannight]

[MENTION=21156]Anocxu[/MENTION], thanks for your perspective.

i've talked to him about this before. and he said something along the lines of ''having something to show for his time''; that is, he feels like he has to look back on the time spent at the end of the day and feel like he has something to show for it. that he's accomplished something with all that time. by inference, he also said that time spent with friends is a wasted time.

which is not what i'm accusing him of. it's fine if he wants to live like that. i can't define his priorities for him. but this arrangement does not work for me. i invest time and effort into my friendships and i take them very seriously. my friends are the most important part of my life.

no, it does not mean that he doesn't love me...but he has the capacity to lift me up to the greatest heights emotionally and them drop me down into the deepest recesses imaginable. i can't do this emotional fluctuation in long term. it starts to wear on me. i start feeling like i'm pushing him to go where he would not go naturally and neither of us actually wants that. i need some baseline stable emotional background, not constant ups and downs. i need to be able to trust him and feel secure in our friendship. and i don't.

and i don't know how to make it better. without resorting to some ultimatum which i don't even fully think i have the right to spring on him. if i go on like this, this is how it will be for the foreseeable future. and it would make me miserable, along with feeling great at times. unless something changes drastically. or i back off and detach myself from him, which will not only be difficult to do just partially but which will hurt me and possibly him.

i can detach myself from him completely and stop this thing that we have, and still care about him and maintain the basic respect for him. which is why i'm thinking it might be a good thing.

so i don't know how to make this friendship work. i've never been in such an emotional climate with anybody before. my relationships (romantic, sexual, and friendships) have been very emotionally stable this far. unlike this one.

[Borg69]

[MENTION=21075]Borg69[/MENTION]
this is not about who he is. he is a great guy, there is no denying that. i have no problem with the person he is and it is not within my right to ever ask him to change. nobody has that right about another person.

i will always care about him, and be there for him, no matter what happens with this friendship.

it's about how i feel in this friendship. and constantly being left disappointed and frustrated is not something i take pleasure in. i don't want him to change. i just don't know how to make this thing work anymore. i am out of ways to make it work. i have tried all this time. and i am standing in the same spot i was when it began. i don't know what to do to not feel let down by him and still feel like the two of us are in a friendship. if i knew how to do that, all would be great.

it's not me who gets my hopes up expecting him to be something he is not. he makes promises and commitments to me that he never fucking keeps. i've even stopped asking him to commit to anything, and he commits on his own. only to not keep his word. and although i can say that, in perspective, it shouldn't surprise me, when he does that it's still hurtful. how can i be involved in a friendship where i get hurt? you tell me.

he is straight and he is physically very attractive to me, but i am not involved with him in that sense. i.e. i am not emotionally invested outside friendship. he also has a great girlfriend, he's happy, and i'm happy for him.

You're a dog person, and he's a cat.

[Anocxu]

i've talked to him about this before. and he said something along the lines of ''having something to show for his time''; ..
he also said that time spent with friends is a wasted time.

^^^
If that's what he said..
It sounds like ego talk from a confused male ..

Anyone that has excellent friendships would not make such a comment.

so i don't know how to make this friendship work. i've never been in such an emotional climate with anybody before. my relationships (romantic, sexual, and friendships) have been very emotionally stable this far. unlike this one.

Oh boy.. once in a while a beautiful odd ball takes us by storm. .and this is happening to you right now..

As I said earlier ..I understand your passion and how proactive you are .. Your passion is also the reason you feel compelled to make a decision immediately. .
Which is the reason I'll tell you..

Let it go for now..
Put a little distance between you and he..

Let things "play out" for better or worse with as little effort as possible on your part..

An issue here is you are handing him a pristine friendship. . I'm not sure if he knows how to handle diligence. . And that's not something you should take personally .. and I do understand how frustrating this is.