older guy confused

[eddieboy327]

I'm a older guy that's engaged to a younger guy. I love him very much but I can't shake the feeling that I may be making a mistake. We have been together off and on for 7 years. But there's been alot of cheating on his behalf. I have never cheated on him. But lately if I wake up in the night there he is on his phone either texting or on the net. But at 2 or 3 am every night. This is just one of my concerns but I really want some advice from someone that can help me

[kindy64]

I would say he's given you reason not to trust him. Maybe he's just texting cute boys in Britain because he can't get to sleep. He ought to be willing to talk about it.

If he doesn't, or tries to turn it back on you, then I'd say there's something fishy going on.

[Borg69]

Texting isn't necessarily cheating... has he actually physically cheated on you? More than once?

If not, and it's just text, I'd say you guys come from different perspectives of what's appropriate in a relationship - you're more "old fashioned".

If yes... I'd guess that you're more of a stable 'sugar daddy' to him and just a safe placeholder until he finds something he thinks is better.

[Cobalt]

Wow, sorry you have to be going through this. To start, I won't say a relationship between an older guy and a younger guy can't work. I'm 25, my guy just turned 60 this January. We've been together for almost three years now and living together for almost two of those years.

Having said that, we're deeply committed and both would never dream of cheating on the other. It is not a part of either of our characters or morals. We both have pretty strong feelings on cheating in a relationship so, forgive me if this comes across harsh.

I wouldn't feel comfortable or safe in your relationship. If a partner has cheated it forever sows the seeds of mistrust. Unless you were beating him, ignoring him, or cheating on him, cheating is hard to forgive and impossible to forget, things will never be the same, ever. The fact that he would rather be on the net or his phone at 2-3 in the morning for anything not work, or emergency related (family/friend in dire need/situation) as opposed to being in bed with you is just not understandable or respectful, even worse when he does this constantly. I want to say you should break up with your partner but I don't know how you feel or how much of an issue this is for you.

You deserve a partner that loves and respects you just as much as anyone else. From your story I don't sense that he respects you. I can't say if he loves you or not. Though in a relationship, sometimes love is not enough. If there is no respect, which is a part of love, then there can't be real true, genuine love. Isn't that sort of love what you're after?

Before you decide what to do with your relationship, you need to re-evaluate what it is you want from your relationship and your partner.

Be smart, think with your head as well as your heart.

[jimcrackcorn]

You've evidently forgiven him for past transgressions,, and have managed to keep the relationship going for 7 years. You've spent enough years together to know he isn't going to change,, so it's up to you to decide whether to let him go,, or just accept that he will continue doing what he's done in the past.

Can you continue to tolerate his cheating? Are you willing to accept him the way he is? How does his cheating affect you emotionally? Are you worried about catching an STD from him?

If his cheating is making you feel depressed and causing you to loose self-esteem,, then you need to make some changes in your life.

Each relationship is different, and few,,if any,, are perfect... If the relationship is causing you emotional or physical harm but you don't want to give up just yet,,, I'd suggest that both of you seek a Couples Counselor that may be able to help both of you work thru this problem.

Sincerely,
Jim

[AlohaShannon]

So this is what I read...

You're engaged to someone who's cheated on you multiple times but you've remained faithful.

He sneaks around at night communicating with other people while you are asleep.

Your gut is telling you that your making a mistake by being with him but you aren't quite sure.

Look at this as if it's someone else's life being retold to you. What would YOU think about the relationship? What would be YOUR advice to that person?

It seems like a no-brainer to me but then again, you love him. You probably want to believe that he's changed (and yes, people CAN and DO change), but his consistent behavior obviously makes you feel like he's still cheating or will cheat again.
So what kind of relationship does that turn into for you?
What are you really holding on to?
Why are you truly afraid to let go of him?
If you stay with him what do you suppose will happen between the two of you and to your self-esteem?

At the very least, DO NOT get married if you have ANY doubt. Be sure before you make such a huge commitment to someone that may very well not be able to reciprocate.

[Camfer]

Well you've mentioned only one concern but you have more. The very least you should do is postpone the marriage until the concerns are addressed, and in the mean time get yourself a family lawyer and a rock solid prenuptial agreement before this kid takes you for half of everything if/when divorce happens.

[LJay]

You deserve better but may feel that you will not get better because of your age. Deal with that before making any commitments. Be sure that he can verbalize his notions relating to marriage and faithfulness, as well as the details of money and mutual support in a practical non-romantic sense.

couplesw counseling, pre-marital counseling and a pre-nup sound like good ideas to me, if for no other reason that he may retreat in the face of them if he is not ready for marriage.

[MikeW]

If you have doubts you are making a mistake then, make no mistake, you are making a mistake.

How can you love someone you can't trust? You don't trust him, that's obvious. Which leads me to conclude you don't really love HIM. You love something about him or some idea of him or some him you want him to be that he's not. In any case, none of that is loving HIM. If you loved HIM you'd love the fact that he isn't interested in a monogamous relationship with you. Clearly, he isn't.

[Insertnamehere]

If you already have trust issues with this guy, you would be mistaken to marry him, that's for sure.

You can try and adress the situation with him and see if that trust can be regained...or built anyway, if it never was there to begin with. But what you don't do is walk into a marriage without trust, cause that's bound to end up badly.

He needs to know exactly what you think about it, you need to know exactly what he thinks about it. Without communication, again, the marriage will most likely fail.


P.S: Using the net a 2-3 AM means nothing, especially with younger guys. Can't tell you how many times I've been posting here at that time, when I don't have to get up early