16yo son acting out

[MikeW]

Communication in a relationship is a two way street.

From what I'm seeing here thus far no one (including your ex) knows how to communicate. Badgering a kid who is in a foul mood doesn't help. She's trying to "win" with him. Big mistake. Makes it a contest.

What about mutual respect? MUTUAL respect? If that ain't happening then there can be no communication. So, what happens? Tension builds up. No one is listening to anyone and so the "identified adolescent" starts acting out. Why? Well, why does anyone "act out"? Acting out IS a form of "communication". It is a statement. It is saying something. SO...

What is he saying that neither ex or you (presumably) are hearing? Does even HE know? (Most likely not... or not in a way that could be said simply and clearly.)

Look beyond the surface, people. Go into it. Find out what he needs to say. Help him find out if you have to. AND give him time. This stuff doesn't just resolve itself in a day or two or a therapy session or two. It can take years. Especially dealing with broken family ties that go back to who knows what kind of "abuse". ("Abuse" in my world can be anything from the overt physical/sexual to verbal/emotional to physical and emotional abandonment.)

Food for thought. WTF do I know anyway.

[MickTheMousie]

I just wanna add, DONT take his phone, it may seem like a small thing, but when you REALLY think about it it's not, cuz what you do when you take something from him, then you show that you have the power and he doesn't have anything to say, and also if you then also dont get the phone from him after asking for it, then he's suddenly in command, cuz you just accepted that he didn't do as you told him to.

[matty7]

just read a couple of agony aunt columns recently and a tv show phone in prog with a therapist on (not scientific I know ) they all had similar teen problems and their advice was that the child acting out because they were wanting more / needing more of their parents attention, especially individual time together.....no idea if that would strike a chord with your situation though ?

[kindy64]

Thanks everyone for the advice. Insertnamehere, all three of those things are being addressed. He's got an appointment today with his therapist, which I'll be taking him to and participating in. Ex-wife and I had talked in person last week about him, we are going to try and do more face to face at a neutral place ( I hate going to the old house, and seeing my ex-dogs, when I leave they look so sad ) And I talked to the school yesterday as well.

Personally think his therapist is an asshole, and I don't particularly like his style. Likes to put you on the spot and try to answer deep f'in questions. I'm a quiet, reserved, deep thinker. I need time to analyse a question, and form an answer. On the spot doesn't work for me. And trying to think like another person is foreign to me. Like the therapists question, how would you have felt as a 16 year old boy if your dad had a 20 year old girlfriend after divorcing your mom. I don't know. I don't know how my son, who has lived a vastly different life then I would feel. I don't know how I would have felt when I was 16. My parents argued all the time, my dad often looked miserable, so maybe if it lead to peace and quiet in the house, and my dad were happy that's a good thing? I can say that now as an adult, but how am I supposed to form an opinion of what I might have felt 35 years ago, let alone a boy who came from a truly broken home.

So, I had a good conversation with the Dean of Students at my sons school. He is definitely aware of my son, and was concerned last week because of the detention incident. Said that my son was acting short tempered when he'd see him in the hall, or lunch. Told me that he was keeping an eye on him, other teachers were as well, and that my son and the boy he got in trouble with actually resolved everything with out any intervention. They talked it out and hugged before anyone made them. Dean was impressed and actually sorry he had given them detention already. I told him that a big issue with my son was that the blowups are hardly ever about the immediate incident. When this has happened before, it's been about bullying in school, or this psycho girlstalker who was threatening suicide if he didn't go out with her last year. So, I was pleased to hear that he's got advocates at school and a safe place to vent (dean said if my son or any student needed to blow off steam his door was always open and they wont get in trouble for it.) And my son knows he's got people on his side at school.

My son and I had a good talk yesterday, started working through some of the issues he has with me and my house. My son seemed straightforward, I asked him what's up, why all the anger lately. At first he said, nothing, I don't want to talk about it. I kept at him, and told him that there had to be something, the cops were called. So eventually he was like, I'm stressed out, school, homework, busy weekends (3 hours of baseball training for the last 6 weeks,) my house, my boyfriend, his girlfriend. Mostly sounded like typical teenage stuff. He hates talking. He hates going to therapy (because he has to talk about his life.) He hates hearing my ex-wifes voice. Hates everything.

Doesn't like being accused of lying, even when it's completely apparent that he's lying. For instance, he has a lot of chores at my ex-wifes house. Feeding and watering her chickens and ducks being a big one. So, she texted me while we were out talking that he hadn't done his chores, there were eggs from the day before, hardly any food, no water, no new bedding down. He maintained that he had done all that stuff. It took 3 or 4 tries to get him to admit that, no he had forgotten to do those things, and that he lied about doing them.

We talked through some of the issues with my boyfriend and it is mostly because my boyfriend is loud and bossy. I think it reminds him of his birth-parents, and how they dealt with things. They wouldn't resolve things, they would just rant and rave.

[Camfer]

It sounds like you have a pretty good relationship with him. Maybe you could spend some time just the two of you together without the ex-wife and without the boyfriend. It's hard being 16, hard enough with all he's been through. You seem to be the one who can reach him. Some anger management techniques would be helpful. Maybe you could ask the therapist about that.

[kindy64]

Of the time we have together, my boyfriend has usually been busy, so we had plenty of opportunities to hang. He often just goes off to his room. Always ask him if he wants to watch a movie or something. I'm always asking him to help me with working on our vehicles. I try to make sure I'm not on my phone when we're together.

[NativeSon]

Personally think his therapist is an asshole, and I don't particularly like his style.

That doesn't bode well. Is this about you or this about your son? If you're not all on the same page it's only going to be that much tougher to get through to him and make this work.

[Darius]

It sounds like you have a pretty good relationship with him. Maybe you could spend some time just the two of you together without the ex-wife and without the boyfriend. It's hard being 16, hard enough with all he's been through. You seem to be the one who can reach him. Some anger management techniques would be helpful. Maybe you could ask the therapist about that.

I'm not sure why you would say he has a pretty good relationship with his son. It sounds pretty messed up to me and as usual, the bulk of the discipline falls on the primary parent.
The boy is adopted at 12, coming from who knows what kind of mess, only to enter into a home that then disintegrates, is there any wonder he is struggling. The bf of the OP should be keeping his mouth shut around the boy and not say anything that comes across as authoritarian. He has no role to play in this drama they call a life.
It makes you wonder if the boy has ever lived in a stable environment with normal boundaries and responsibilities. Does he even believe he is love unconditionally?

[Camfer]

Yeah, pretty good doesn't mean great. It means that the OP can actually get through to the kid at times when no one else can. That is worth cultivating. Got to nurture what is good.

[kindy64]

Oh, my son isn't complaining/stressed about my boyfriend bossing him around, it's about my boyfriend bossing me around. We talked more in the car on the way to therapy, and then in therapy. I asked him point blank if BF was bossing him (my son) around, and he said no.

I always make sure I'm available for my son when he's here. He knows he can call or text anytime. He has hardly ever responded to my chit/chat texts, like "how's it going?." I've told him before he's the priority for me when he's here. Reiterated that yesterday, and that my BF knows my son is the priority when they are both there.

We had a good time watching bad martial arts movies, and making dinner together last night. Since he was still upset about having to go to therapy, we didn't talk to much more about that stuff.

He's upset that we are going to be limiting his access to the phone for a month. He can have it at school only during the school week, and over the weekends, for the next month. With 15 minutes before bedtime during the school week if he wants to call or text anyone. He believes that because he uses the phone that it is his and shouldn't ever be taken away. Sorry, it's a privilege since we are paying for the phone and the plan. Abuse the privilege, like gaming all the time when he's supposed to be limited to gaming on the weekends, and we will take it away. And he knows losing his phone time is a consequence of screwing up big time.