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16yo son acting out
#21
Kindy, you said you adopted your son when he was 12. Do you know his full history from birth until 12?
I'm sure his therapist, if he is any good at all, probably needed to know that, too.
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#22
I am not clear...is your son and your boyfriend similar in age?
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#23
Darius Wrote:Kindy, you said you adopted your son when he was 12. Do you know his full history from birth until 12?
I'm sure his therapist, if he is any good at all, probably needed to know that, too.

Yes, his therapist is aware of as much history as we know. My son doesn't share much about his life with the birth parents, or the foster homes he was in.
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#24
East Wrote:I am not clear...is your son and your boyfriend similar in age?

Yes, son is 16 (17 in December), boyfriend is 20 (21 in October)
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#25
kindy64 Wrote:Yes, son is 16 (17 in December), boyfriend is 20 (21 in October)



OK..I understand the therapists question now....

A child who has been in foster homes has definite abandonment issues and anger issues...and a child whose parent finds a partner close their age also has abandonment issues...and anger issues....

It isn't a judgment.....just something to consider if you want to understand the anger and acting out. It is important to look at the big picture....
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#26
East Wrote:OK..I understand the therapists question now....

A child who has been in foster homes has definite abandonment issues and anger issues...and a child whose parent finds a partner close their age also has abandonment issues...and anger issues....

It isn't a judgment.....just something to consider if you want to understand the anger and acting out. It is important to look at the big picture....

Thanks for the tip. Actually started reading up about dating after divorce, it's not just having a younger boyfriend, it's likely that it's because I have another person in my life period.

There have been many times where my son has said things where it's like he still thinks my ex-wife and I will get back together. Or I'll just come over to hang out over their house and do things with them. We've gone over with him that it's just not going to happen.
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#27
kindy64 Wrote:He's upset that we are going to be limiting his access to the phone for a month. He can have it at school only during the school week, and over the weekends, for the next month. With 15 minutes before bedtime during the school week if he wants to call or text anyone. He believes that because he uses the phone that it is his and shouldn't ever be taken away. Sorry, it's a privilege since we are paying for the phone and the plan. Abuse the privilege, like gaming all the time when he's supposed to be limited to gaming on the weekends, and we will take it away. And he knows losing his phone time is a consequence of screwing up big time.

I agree. Personally I think it's getting out of control with kids and cellphones these days, it's like a damn addiction.
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#28
The reason I asked about his life before you is because his behaviors may have nothing to do with your ex-wife or you. There could be problems with birth parents or foster homes. Then he gets adopted and that home breaks up. I'd be surprised if he didn't have problems. Poor kid.
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#29
I think it's wonderful that you chose to adopt an older child out of foster care. The odds of that are slim and none. His life will always be better knowing that someone loved him enough to make him their child. Nobody's parenting is perfect, and I HIGHLY doubt the majority of this behavior is because of you. Don't beat yourself up if you feel like you could have prevented this, but I've seen this before with foster children. Sounds like you are doing everything you can now to support him, and see how how to improve things.

I taught troubled children for ten years. Most of the kids that had endured a lot throughout their lives were the most difficult to help. Many had to be so strong to survive, that they are pros at hiding any emotion (except for anger). Your son has been through a TON. He's definitely got abandonment issues, and probably more. He's got to have a lot of trauma. Is this new behavior? If so, your moving out, coming out, school and your boyfriend have triggered something. Maybe things aren't going well between your ex and him, but you really should support her. Divorced parents getting along, and spending time together with their child/children is so important for the kids. If he's asking you to come spend time at your exes, you should. Why is that a problem? You really should do that for him. Try putting his needs above yours. I've seen great co parenting from exes that don't care for each other. Your boyfriend is your sons peer. Keep texting, calling or visiting! Even though he doesn't respond, he wants and needs to know you will not give up. You're only seeing him a handful of days, and he needs more from you right now. With all of these changes, he needs to know your love is still the same. Your partner really needs to take a back seat now. Your time with him probably makes your son feel slighted. DONT feel guilty. You're chipping away at a pretty big wall he has built around his self.

You and your ex should be on the same page. You need consistency between both houses. He only wants your love and attention. Try to give him more of your time.

Going to a psychiatric ward for anger doesn't seem appropriate. That could really push him to the edge. Try to discuss his aggressive behavior towards your wife in therapy. You've got to have a plan before that ever takes place again. That's a deal breaker that can't be taken lightly. If he doesn't do it with you, maybe he should switch places until things are better. Your wife's safety has to be there. None of this is easy, but foster kids can have many issues that aren't their fault.

I wish you the best, and hope your family continues to become closer. I hope some of this helps. This is from my experience with teenage foster kids at school. I knew their lives, and had to learn ways to get them to trust that I cared for them. Once we broke through barriers, they were able to express themselves to me. They definitely had their days, even after we had bonded. Sometimes they wouldn't talk at all, but they still wanted to know that I was there. They want unconditional love, even after they've acted out. One more thing, they will take any kind of attention- good or bad.
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#30
kindy64 Wrote:Of the time we have together, my boyfriend has usually been busy, so we had plenty of opportunities to hang. He often just goes off to his room. Always ask him if he wants to watch a movie or something. I'm always asking him to help me with working on our vehicles. I try to make sure I'm not on my phone when we're together.

Sometimes, from the teen's point of view, if you don't PUSH to spend time with him, then he doesn't think you REALLY want to....
~Beaux
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