16yo son acting out

[kindy64]

So last night my ex-wife called, didn't get it and the 911 text she sent at the same time until later, the phone was far enough away, and my partner and I were cuddled on the couch.

So, I saw it when I was getting ready for bed. Called her to see what was up, and she had to call the cops because he was starting to get physical with her. Shoving I believe. He became verbally abusive, talking about wanting to kill kids at school, kill himself, run away. She said he's been more depressed, and angry.

I have him Wednesday nights, and every other weekend. He, my partner, and I just went to a car show and dinner this past Friday on an off weekend (I wasn't scheduled to have him.) Except for being a little bitchy by with him at dinner about keeping his feet on his side of the booth things seemed to be fine.

Of all things it started with her trying to get him into the shower before bedtime. I generally don't argue about shit with him. He doesn't want to shower, I don't bother. His girlfriend will tell him soon enough if he smells. He generally does what I ask, even if I have to remind him a few times. He doesn't yell back at me when I do snap at him.

He has gotten detention twice now at school. Once for getting verbal with a girl getting in his face, and then last week he was punched in the chin after he put his hands on another students neck. I'm only going off what he said about them.
She's calling his therapist today, thinks he should be put under a 48 hour hold. I just don't see it when he's here. Any fatherly advice out there for this type of situation?

[ceez]

The best advice I can give is that some kids go through this faze and it might not even have anything to do with the divorce. My best friend was like that at 16, he did and said a lot of stuff to his parents he didn't mean. He grew out of it, you and your ex just have to stick with him through it.

[Darius]

Do not ignore these warning signs. Talk of suicide or harming others should be taken seriously. Also, do not ignore what your ex wife says, but take it seriously. He should be seen by a professional and hopefully, with the help of you and your ex, you can decide where to go with this. This would not be about turning him over completely to a shrink. You insights into your son are vital.
When we hear of young people going on a rampage and hurting/killing others and themselves, the parents often seem clueless that it could happen.
Hopefully, it is just teenaged angst, but do you really want to risk it? Do what is right for your son. Protect him, even against himself.

[VirgoMasquerade]

Maybe he needs to spend a little more time with daddy and less time with mommy... Are you even sure your ex-wife isn't accidently taking something out on your son and its starting to come to life when its just son and mom?

[kindy64]

Well, it's more likely my son is taking something out against his mom that's totally unrelated to the incident.

I am going to the school this afternoon to talk with the dean of students, and then take my son for a sit down talk.

He is in therapy, and I believe he had a session last week, which may have brought some uncomfortable things up for him. We adopted him at age 12, he came from a broken home, then was in foster care for 3 to 4 years, so he came with his own baggage before us. Then we added more, including the divorce, my coming out, and my 20 year old boyfriend.

Thanks for all the replies, I'm not brushing off what happened. It is certainly a sign that something is up. Diving into the mind of a 16 year old boy is just difficult, especially when neither of us (son and I) have really learned to talk about things.

[LJay]

The last line you wrote makes me think that you might profit from a visit to his therapist to discuss how to "really talk" with him. 16-year old boys have lots of things going on, from hormones to confidence issues to getting used to all kinds of thoughts they have never dealt with before. They need someone to trust--an anchor. Your son has not had a lot of anchoring. It is a very hard job at best, but good luck with making it through. Don't leave it to the school or the therapist. Make sure he knows that you are there and that you will help when he needs help. Love and trust and concern are hard to communicate, but do your best to bond and develop ties.

[MickTheMousie]

NEVER IGNORE A TEENAGER, yea we are rude, unrespectful, a bit crazy (if not a lot)... but we should still be taken serius, everytime i tell my parents how much i hate them, i mean it, i mean by all my heart, but they dont get it, they just think i'm a ¨typical teenager¨ who ¨hates¨ his parents, well guess what, i'm not, my big brother was like that, and him having ADHD didn't make it easier at all (he was and still is very violent, towards both me my mom and my stepdad) and personally none of us took him serius, now he's 18 and can see how big an idiot he was, but still, my dad dont seem to understand when i tell him that i dont wanna have anything to do with him, that i dont want him in my life, and that he's a sick asshole, that i really mean it, cuz i dont want him in my life, he violent and he SUCKS at being a dad (he dont celebrate my birthdays and he didn't celebrate my confirmation).
One thing that a LOT of so called grown ups need to realize is, that age doesn't matter, i can already tell you that i'm a whole lot smarter than a lot of the parents in my class..... and just cuz it might only have been right now he's been like that, it doesn't mean it isn't real, you should still take him serius, some people talk to teenagers like we're kids, and yea, some of us are, but still just cuz a few black people (teenagers) are criminals doesn't mean they all are, cuz guess what white people (adoults) also do crimes....

What i'm trying to say it, TAKE HIM SERIUS do NOT ignore him, and dont just take it as a phase, it might be, but it might also be a lot more, and also, what might seem like a minimal thing to you, might be HUGE for him if he isn't used to it :/

Sorry if some of this doesn't make sense, i just had to get it out *puuuuhhh* and i'm not trying to be mean, plz dont misunderstand me

[Borg69]

I'd hate to grow up in today's world. Adjusting to hormones and testosterone back then was hard enough, but fortunately (???) capital punishment was still an option and I had enough sense to fear getting spanked to be TOO obnoxious. Now days if you take away cell phone privileges it's a crime and nearly child abuse.

Not that he should get a complete pass, but he does have a lot on his plate bouncing between two parents' homes, gay dad(s), puberty, a girl friend, school and whatever social anxieties associated with school now days...

I remember that age. I wanted to know it all. I already thought I knew it all. I was invincible. Invulnerable. I was going to rule the world. Now, I'm just trying to exist in it without making too many waves. Survival of the fittest turned into survival of duck and cover.

[kindy64]

To add to the tale, here is my wife's description of what happened

Last night...

He had way too much sugar - he ate like 11 pieces of chocolate from a box of valentine's candies that Cindy gave us. he also had strawberry milk.

When I got home - he immediately admitted to eating chocolate - but didn't want to hear me complain about it. He started getting mouthy.

We also talked about his grades - he didn't want to hear about that either.

Later, on the third time asking him to go into the shower - he said "Say my name one more time". the officer agreed last night, that was an implied threat.

I came into the living room and he kept mouthing off, getting more and more rude. He continued to tell me to shut up. that I needed to go calm down. he kept going, and I forgot exactly what he said, but I told him he was losing his phone for a day. Think he had told me to shut the hell up.

He kept telling me "no - not taking his phone" - over and over and over. I told him to give it to me or he loses it all together. He told me I didn't want to do that. He wouldn't give it to me. I grabbed the phone and that when he shoved me trying to keep me from getting it. He also got up in my face with his fist raised to strike.

Said he would take my phone and call the cops for taking his phone. That he would smash everything in the house.

He said he could have smashed my head in. he punched the wall.

He told me I better not cry - I'm a big baby. He continued to spiral out of control, and I said that I was calling the cops to calm him down. he said no I wasn't and proceeded to run around the house grabbing the phones to prevent me from calling 911. He had forgot about the phone in the front bedroom.

He said he would kill himself.

he punched the wall again - much harder the second time but he hit the molding around the door.

His anger was palpable. Even when I tried to not talk to him as the therapist suggests, he got mad because I wasn't talking to him.

He was angry that I went to work telling me I should have stayed home. I said, I couldn't I had meetings. he said I could get another job.

he was completely irrational.

The cops calmed him down. He admitted everything he had done. He blames the sugar, but this has been coming for a week.

It's the phone. It truly is like watching an episode of Intervention.

they explained to him that his behavior was unacceptable and that I was absolutely correct in calling them to calm the situation down. They could have taken him last night for 24 hours because of him stating that he would kill himself. I decided no. He had calmed down and was much better this morning. He did apologize this morning.

I did lock up his phone and my gun last night in the safe just in case.

I am currently waiting for my son to get out of chess club at his school. The Dean of students was very nice, former probation officer and he reassured me that he would be keeping an eye on him. He talked to my son at lunch a little and the Dean said my son was in a better mood today then last week. Said he was in a very short mood last week.

[Insertnamehere]

Ok, this is a bit MORE than "acting out". That kid has issues and he needs a hell of a lot of the right kind of attention to fix them.

For that, 2 things need to happen

1) Therapy. If he's getting it, crank it up, if he's not, GET HIM ON IT. Therapy is what will get him to go to the soruce of his issues. Knowing why does he act so violent and aggressive is a key component in aviding and correcting that behavior. All teenagers are hormonal, moody and a bit angry yes, but the kind of violence that the kid is showing is surpassing that of normal teenager behavior.

2) You and the ex need to sit down, talk and work on a way to handle the situation together, cause he is straying away. You both need to be aware of what's going on with him and jointly decide the course of action to take.

This is the responsibility for the both of you. She won't be able to handle it on her own. You will need to be more present if there's a chance to fix the problem and end up with a decent and mentally healthy adult.

This is by far the MOST IMPORTANT element that needs to be set in play. You are his parents and you both need to have the main role in correcting his behavior, helping him with his problems and raising him to be a functional adult.

3) Talk to the school counselors, etc. He can't lack moitoring at school.

Tackle all these 3 items, and things will probably get better in time.

That is my opinion anyway. I was never one of those divorced parents' children, but I had a handful of them as classmates and I can somewhat remember their thought processes. Many issues began with the lack of one parental figure for whatever reason, the weight of the responsibility on one of the parents, who also had to work to support them, but little time to actually see them, etc.