Being true to my self at age 44
02-18-2016, 09:34 PM
Hi Everyone,
I want to take this opportunity to share with you all my very personal coming out journey.
As a child, I always felt a bit different, lacking social confidence at school, being violently bullied at times and often picked on by certain thugs at school. I lived in a couple of different counties as a child, was privileged to have a great quality of education, but I had very few friends and felt socially isolated. At lunch times I used to spend time in the library, sometimes by myself, sometimes with other "intellectual" friends. I didn't enjoy sport.. I couldn't see the point if it at that age!
I had a really close male friend from about age 11. We used to visit each other at our homes and get naked and arouse and masterbate one another together. I also used to go skinny dipping with a couple of other friends in our pool at home, and in their spa, and really enjoyed being naked.
When changing for school sport and swimming, I would be curious to watch the other boys naked and at times I would get aroused and noticed by others. When I was in high school, I even developed a phobia to go to the toilet for the fear of becoming aroused at the urinal, and I used to "hold on" for many hours waiting to go in the middle of a class so that other boys wouldn't see me in the toilet. Reflecting back, I was living my school life in fear.
When it came to attending the school social ball, I asked a couple of girls to be my partner but each of them declined and I felt rejected. Outside of school I was once asked by a girl to be her partner for her school ball and that felt really good!
After graduating from high school I spend 5 years at university. I made new friends and was rejected by a female friend after asking her out. She told me that she didn't want to spoil our friendship by entering into a relationship.
For many years since being a teenager in the early days of the Internet, using bulletin board dial in systems, I used to secretly watch and download male porn. I still enjoy various forms of male port now thanks to the Internet.
It wasn't until I was age 25 that I had my first girlfriend for a short period of time. One night I came out to her saying that I also like men. She reacted quite badly, but we still remained together. I then moved interstate for work and several months later she cheated on me whilst we were in the long distance relationship and she started seeing someone else and we broke up. During this relationship we never had proper intercourse, only touching each other etc.
Fast forward to age 34, after living and working overseas professionally in a couple of different countries I started going out with another girl and that's when I had my first true sexual experience with full intercourse. It felt really good being together. Unfortunately, the relationship only lasted a couple of months.
During these years I was often fanastising about boys and men, and tried male massages a few times, and after returning to Australia, visited a gay nudist beach and a gay male spa / masterbation "wankers" club.
A year or do later I was introduced to a new girl through a mutual friend, and we became an item. We were together for about a year, but she didn't feel right for me. One day we went to see an amateur production of Cats and I became transfixed with a male dancer in tight Lycra. She noticed this and made some comments to me, but I was in denial to her. She really wanted to move in with me and get married but I made it very clear that it wasn't going to happen then we split a couple of months afterwards.
About two years later I was introduced to another girl and we remained together for 3.5 years, however it was a very rocky relationship due to huge religious / spiritual differences. We both opened up to each other sexually but we were so dysfunctional in other emotional aspects of our relationship. Whilst being intimate with her, I couldn't help fantasing about men. In other words, I felt I was "faking it" for a lot of the time with her.
A big turning point for me was confronting my deepest secrets and life dissatisfactions through doing an MBSR mindfulness stress reduction meditation course. During the 6 week course, I gained personal insights into my own life and priorities. Through further meditation and self reflection over the past couple of years, I have learned to confront my own truths and accept who I am including my "fluid" sexuality. I highly recommend mindful meditation / MBSR and an exploration of secular Buddhism as it has done so much for me to obtain personal insight and more clarity in my life (although I still have a way to go!)
I have also been going up and down through a spiral of depression and anxiety for over 20 years which has impacted my personal and professional life, although I have overall done very well in my career despite many challenges on the way.
Several years ago, a friend of mine thought I am on the Autism spectrum with highly functioning autism or Aspergers Syndrome. I have been obsessing about this for a number of years now, but still have not received a formal diagnosis. When I discussed it with an older friend and mentor of mine, he told me "straight out" that he thinks I'm gay and that I need to explore and acknowledge this side of me that I may have been neglecting.
When I discussed my suspected Aspergers with my family, my brother in law did say out aloud in front of my parents and sister that he suspected I was gay. Even an old school friend at a small reunion, in front if my girl friend at the time said that they all thought I was gay at school.
So now here I am, having just come out to four of my closest friends in the past 3 weeks, contemplating sharing this with my parents, sister and brother in law. 2 weeks ago sadly, my Dad passed away suddenly (but not totally unexpectedly) and therefore I missed the opportunity to come out to him.
In the weeks before his death, I started connecting with the gay community, attending a bi peer support group, engaging with other gay/bi people through the group, doing a hike with another gay meetup group, visiting a local gay nude beach and even befriending a fellow passenger on a flight who turns out to be an author of gay fiction! Through these recent activities / meetings I feel I am accepting my vulnerability and liberating myself whilst enjoying a new perspective on life. I have also enrolled in a 6 week peer support group for people like us going through the coming out process.
Now that my Dad has passed away, I was awaiting the "right" time to come out to my mum, sister and brother in law. When I took mum to her Doctor the other day, in the waiting room, she said that she really wants me to be happy to be together with a woman that I can enjoy and share my life with. Then she said that she doesn't care if it is a man as long I am happy. I just let the comment pass as I was not prepared to come out to her in public in the doctor's waiting room. When Mum and I visited my Dad's grave a couple of days ago, I came out to her and she wholeheartedly accepted what I had to say. I now need to come out to my sister and her family as well as other friends and relatives.
So this is where I am at now! In mourning for the loss of my father but at the same time somewhat anxious about coming out to other family and friends. I am really looking forward to sharing my news with more of my close friends but apprehensive about sharing it with my more conservative friends and relatives......
I'm interested in hearing about the experiences of others reading this any any advice, going through each of your own journeys of self discovery......
Thanks so much for your interest in my life story and coming out journey!
Sam.
I want to take this opportunity to share with you all my very personal coming out journey.
As a child, I always felt a bit different, lacking social confidence at school, being violently bullied at times and often picked on by certain thugs at school. I lived in a couple of different counties as a child, was privileged to have a great quality of education, but I had very few friends and felt socially isolated. At lunch times I used to spend time in the library, sometimes by myself, sometimes with other "intellectual" friends. I didn't enjoy sport.. I couldn't see the point if it at that age!
I had a really close male friend from about age 11. We used to visit each other at our homes and get naked and arouse and masterbate one another together. I also used to go skinny dipping with a couple of other friends in our pool at home, and in their spa, and really enjoyed being naked.
When changing for school sport and swimming, I would be curious to watch the other boys naked and at times I would get aroused and noticed by others. When I was in high school, I even developed a phobia to go to the toilet for the fear of becoming aroused at the urinal, and I used to "hold on" for many hours waiting to go in the middle of a class so that other boys wouldn't see me in the toilet. Reflecting back, I was living my school life in fear.
When it came to attending the school social ball, I asked a couple of girls to be my partner but each of them declined and I felt rejected. Outside of school I was once asked by a girl to be her partner for her school ball and that felt really good!
After graduating from high school I spend 5 years at university. I made new friends and was rejected by a female friend after asking her out. She told me that she didn't want to spoil our friendship by entering into a relationship.
For many years since being a teenager in the early days of the Internet, using bulletin board dial in systems, I used to secretly watch and download male porn. I still enjoy various forms of male port now thanks to the Internet.
It wasn't until I was age 25 that I had my first girlfriend for a short period of time. One night I came out to her saying that I also like men. She reacted quite badly, but we still remained together. I then moved interstate for work and several months later she cheated on me whilst we were in the long distance relationship and she started seeing someone else and we broke up. During this relationship we never had proper intercourse, only touching each other etc.
Fast forward to age 34, after living and working overseas professionally in a couple of different countries I started going out with another girl and that's when I had my first true sexual experience with full intercourse. It felt really good being together. Unfortunately, the relationship only lasted a couple of months.
During these years I was often fanastising about boys and men, and tried male massages a few times, and after returning to Australia, visited a gay nudist beach and a gay male spa / masterbation "wankers" club.
A year or do later I was introduced to a new girl through a mutual friend, and we became an item. We were together for about a year, but she didn't feel right for me. One day we went to see an amateur production of Cats and I became transfixed with a male dancer in tight Lycra. She noticed this and made some comments to me, but I was in denial to her. She really wanted to move in with me and get married but I made it very clear that it wasn't going to happen then we split a couple of months afterwards.
About two years later I was introduced to another girl and we remained together for 3.5 years, however it was a very rocky relationship due to huge religious / spiritual differences. We both opened up to each other sexually but we were so dysfunctional in other emotional aspects of our relationship. Whilst being intimate with her, I couldn't help fantasing about men. In other words, I felt I was "faking it" for a lot of the time with her.
A big turning point for me was confronting my deepest secrets and life dissatisfactions through doing an MBSR mindfulness stress reduction meditation course. During the 6 week course, I gained personal insights into my own life and priorities. Through further meditation and self reflection over the past couple of years, I have learned to confront my own truths and accept who I am including my "fluid" sexuality. I highly recommend mindful meditation / MBSR and an exploration of secular Buddhism as it has done so much for me to obtain personal insight and more clarity in my life (although I still have a way to go!)
I have also been going up and down through a spiral of depression and anxiety for over 20 years which has impacted my personal and professional life, although I have overall done very well in my career despite many challenges on the way.
Several years ago, a friend of mine thought I am on the Autism spectrum with highly functioning autism or Aspergers Syndrome. I have been obsessing about this for a number of years now, but still have not received a formal diagnosis. When I discussed it with an older friend and mentor of mine, he told me "straight out" that he thinks I'm gay and that I need to explore and acknowledge this side of me that I may have been neglecting.
When I discussed my suspected Aspergers with my family, my brother in law did say out aloud in front of my parents and sister that he suspected I was gay. Even an old school friend at a small reunion, in front if my girl friend at the time said that they all thought I was gay at school.
So now here I am, having just come out to four of my closest friends in the past 3 weeks, contemplating sharing this with my parents, sister and brother in law. 2 weeks ago sadly, my Dad passed away suddenly (but not totally unexpectedly) and therefore I missed the opportunity to come out to him.
In the weeks before his death, I started connecting with the gay community, attending a bi peer support group, engaging with other gay/bi people through the group, doing a hike with another gay meetup group, visiting a local gay nude beach and even befriending a fellow passenger on a flight who turns out to be an author of gay fiction! Through these recent activities / meetings I feel I am accepting my vulnerability and liberating myself whilst enjoying a new perspective on life. I have also enrolled in a 6 week peer support group for people like us going through the coming out process.
Now that my Dad has passed away, I was awaiting the "right" time to come out to my mum, sister and brother in law. When I took mum to her Doctor the other day, in the waiting room, she said that she really wants me to be happy to be together with a woman that I can enjoy and share my life with. Then she said that she doesn't care if it is a man as long I am happy. I just let the comment pass as I was not prepared to come out to her in public in the doctor's waiting room. When Mum and I visited my Dad's grave a couple of days ago, I came out to her and she wholeheartedly accepted what I had to say. I now need to come out to my sister and her family as well as other friends and relatives.
So this is where I am at now! In mourning for the loss of my father but at the same time somewhat anxious about coming out to other family and friends. I am really looking forward to sharing my news with more of my close friends but apprehensive about sharing it with my more conservative friends and relatives......
I'm interested in hearing about the experiences of others reading this any any advice, going through each of your own journeys of self discovery......
Thanks so much for your interest in my life story and coming out journey!
Sam.
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Capricorn
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Sagittarius
Libra
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