Hitting a Crossroads in My Life

[Anonymous]

Every now and then I get to thinking about getting married, having kids, settling down with a Woman. Then I think about the fact that I've never head sex with a woman and that most single women I would seek would likely have kids. Not saying that alone is a deal-breaker but does pose challenges, mostly with the ex. I also think that many woman would run at the fact that I have had several gay relationships and thus making it much more difficult for me to find someone worthwhile.

I took the Kinsey scale test and I got a 4 which basically says I'm 60% gay and 40% straight based on how I answered the questions which I feel that I answered them honestly.

With being gay in the southern US where they continue to try to roll the clock back to 1952 with the laws they keep trying to push through it is difficult, plus me being a bit of an introvert and not one to express myself. I don't like PDA and regretfully I felt somewhat ashamed. While it does seem selfish of myself to want to take the "easy" way out by dating women but it would be nice to get to a spot where I can not feel ashamed to hold hand, kiss or whatever in public. Then again I suppose one doesn't have to date someone of the opposite sex to feel comfortable, just an issue I haven't been able to work out about myself. I'd like do but I also feel that at time it is the same thing as asking me to get up on a stage on sing in front of an audience, while knowing I can't sing worth a crap.

So let me just say that based on both my feelings, the test I'm pretty much bi-sexual and I do not feel that this is me just not wanting to be gay anymore. I have a sister who got married a couple years ago, settled in her career, things seem to be going well and I will probably be an Uncle soon enough. I'd like that. I'd like to be settled down, comfortable, not having to worry about all the political chaos.

I don't expect a concrete answer like oh yes, you are straight, or oh no you're totally gay what are you thinking. For those who might have been in a similar situation or have any words of advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

I also don't want anyone to feel that I'm trying to take the easy way out and just not date guys, this keeps coming back every so often and I'm not 21 anymore and feel that time is running out for me to figure out what I really want. I feel like I have been sitting on idle for too long and having a black & white view on sexuality when I was younger, I know that is not the case. Sexuality is one colorful, weird thing about us humans and only society slaps labels on it. Unfortunately for me, if I do decide to try to date women my history of having gay relationships is going to be a hurdle for some, likely a deal-breaker for most. However, I feel that being upfront about it is the best thing to do rather than sweep parts of my life under the rug.

[LJay]

Have you considered moving to NYC? Or at least to more open environment than the South...

As for your history, it is yours and does not necessarily need detailed disclosure if you are healthy and centered.

[MikeW]

...I also don't want anyone to feel that I'm trying to take the easy way out and just not date guys, this keeps coming back every so often and I'm not 21 anymore and feel that time is running out for me to figure out what I really want. I feel like I have been sitting on idle for too long and having a black & white view on sexuality when I was younger, I know that is not the case. Sexuality is one colorful, weird thing about us humans and only society slaps labels on it. Unfortunately for me, if I do decide to try to date women my history of having gay relationships is going to be a hurdle for some, likely a deal-breaker for most. However, I feel that being upfront about it is the best thing to do rather than sweep parts of my life under the rug.

Well, you've said a lot. Some of it is a bit confusing to me. Not sure what you mean. But I get the general gist of it. You're feeling you want to "nest"... have a family, children, a life not complicated by the politics of being a homosexual.

What can I say? The world is what it is. It is FAR from perfect. Some areas of the country (I live in the San Francisco Bay Area, for example) are FAR more liberal than others. All sorts of things ARE possible but then again, they may not be possible everywhere and are certainly not possible with every one.

FWIW I was in a long-term relationship with a woman. I identified as "gay" not "bi". This confused a lot of people, understandably. But this situation arose out of two things: 1) I was in therapy because I was unhappy with my sexuality. Actually it was a bit more complicated than that. I didn't mind having homosexual sex. In fact I liked it. A LOT. What I didn't like was what I experienced as "gay culture" which, to me at that time (early 1970s), was a very "hostile" environment. Looking back I think a lot of my experience came from my own internalized homophobia.. but not all of it. I saw and experienced an inordinate amount of hostility *from other gay men*. This got acted out in a lot of ways: Cliquishness, bitchiness, game playing, cattiness, pecking orders, etc. I din't like it. I din't feel comfortable in it. And THEREFORE I didn't want to BE "gay".

SO, what happened is that in the context of a group therapy situation I 2) met a woman and the two of us hit it off. We became friends fairly quickly. AND THEN that friendship developed into something romantic. We fell in love. It was kind of weird for both of us. I knew I was gay. She knew I was gay. But here we were, truly digging one another. SO... we decided to try and have a relationship centered around our connection, our shared bonding, rather than our sexuality. We DID have sex... not nearly as often as she would have liked. BUT I agreed that she COLD have sex with other men. She agreed that I could as well. (This was pre HIV, BTW.) BUT I chose NOT to because I just couldn't deal with BOTH being in a committed heterosexual relationship while also having sex on the side with men. Well, that was one reason, another was the whole uncomfortableness I felt around gay social stuff. It was just easier for me to jerk off to porn than bother with all that craziness. She did have a few (two or three) brief affairs with other men. But these affairs invariably re-inforced how much she loved me.

After 10 years I (it was my decision and she was very angry about it at first) decided I needed to not be in a heterosexual relationship. By this time I was already in my mid to late 30s. She and I had mutually decided to not get married and not have children. Our relationship was "redefined". That is, it didn't end. In fact, she remains my closest friend. We live very much apart... but we also spend quite a bit of time together when we can. (As a matter of fact I just spent a week in Hawaii with her and now she's spending a week with me here before she goes back to Canada where she lives half the year.)

What I'm getting at here with this is it is POSSIBLE to structure one's life WAY outside the conventional box of heteronormative society. Whether or not you CAN do it depends on you and the other person(s) involved.

I would STRONGLY advise against getting involved with a woman and NOT being honest with her about your sexuality. I don't know about you but the prospect of keeping my sexual feelings hidden, secret, closeted, bottled up, however you want to put it, is kind of horrifying. The prospect of then CHEATING on her, lying by omission and deception, is simply DESPICABLE, dishonest, not the kind of life I want to live or the kind of human being I want to be.

So... I don't know what is possible for you. Perhaps it is possible to find a woman to love who has children. A woman who could accept your sexual identity. I agree, it isn't likely, but it isn't impossible. SOME women (for example) might actually LIKE to have a husband who did NOT make sexual demands on them. Did you ever think about that? Again, granted, that's rare... but it isn't unheard of.

There's also the possibility of having children married to a gay man. Now, you've suggested you live in the south where that may be less possible, or more challenging than other locals. Well, ok, but it IS possible... it depends on how much you want it. Whether or not you'd even consider relocating to make it more possible.

Just saying here that life has infinite possibilities.

THAT SAID, "possibilities" do not always actualize. SOME PEOPLE do not GET what they want, no matter how badly they want it, no matter what they do to achieve it. Some of us simply have to endure life being something "other than" what we'd ideally like it to be. I would even go so far as to say that MOST PEOPLE (to some extent or other) "compromise" in their experience of life. We could go down a whole quasi-philosophic path around that one.

Personally, I don't have a family (other than the one woman friend). I have some sort-of friends and acquaintances. But I have no 'wife' or 'husband' (both my LTR partners are deceased). I have no children. My blood family -- I want nothing to do with them. That's a long story I won't go into.

But I'm NOT unhappy! Sometimes I feel a bit lonely but I *am* an introvert and I *do* appreciate my solitude. I'm not a hermit. I have a life... such as it is. I enjoy little things... working out... going for walks... looking at flowers and trees and clouds and sky... listening to music... dancing... writing long-winded posts on forums like this one... etc. There are things I'd LIKE to have that I do not (a lover, more money, etc.) but, not having these things doesn't leave me feeling desolate or desperate.

Again, life offers us a lot of choice, no matter what our circumstances. If we CHOOSE to only look at the half empty glass, well, that's our choice. Been there done that. I find looking at the half full glass far more satisfying and rewarding. Same glass though, LOL!

[Anonymous]

Choices choices. For some reason I have feeling to shit or get off the pot. I'm nearing 30 and I feel that the time is nearing for me to make up my mind on what I want to do with my life, not just with a relationships...but with my career, where I'm living.

It would be nice to move to a more accepting area. I hate big cities, or the big city feel. I live, of course in the only state that passes anti-LGBT laws and also live in a rural, highly conservative area. That being said, doesn't mean I'm simply giving up on being "gay." Honestly, I just don't seem to fit into the lifestyle. I also have many sexual hangups. I never feel comfortable with anal sex. Yes, I know that not all couples do anal or anything in particular for that matter. I have found it to be difficult for me to feel comfortable with the sex in a lot of ways and I haven't had sex with a woman either so who knows.

I definitely feel that it would be a very bad idea to sweep my gay life under the rug. Nor do I think me seeking out a heterosexual relationship would kill the gay in me, I'm pretty sure I will find men attractive all my life. Perhaps I should move to Utah?

When it comes to children I have always felt that I would rather have my own children than to come into a relationship where there are children. When I was young my parents went through a spot where they were separated and it was difficult for me. I also think it could be an oppurtunity to fill the gap for a kid who would otherwise be in the same spot that I had. Thankfully, my parents got back together which I think was a good thing. I'd say life would be a lot different for me had that not happened and would have likely been a bad thing, while my parents have their faults they are very much the reason why I'm at where I'm at.

There's more I want to say but I have ran out of time for now, I will post more later.

[Fuzzy]

Your over thinking things.
Stahp with the "I may be straight", "I may be Bi", "I may be gay". Its simply WORDS you are the same person you were yesterday, last week, last months last year. You are just wiser than you were.

I can say this much though, don't think a straight relationship is easier than a gay one (outside of the judgments of others). I can get along with feminine guys much easier than most women *this from a gay guy*. I think males in general are more level headed with the exception of being... horny... more often. I see that as a bonus though! So much better than the alternative mood swings due to hormones . Your lucky if you are attracted to both sexes though, larger pool of potential significant others.
IF you can pick though, it may be best to date girls. Life will be easier for you I think. (I envy you on this)


But yeah, in short, don't label or confine yourself. Go with the flow rather than fight it, hakuna matata, look for the bear necessities, etc, when your goal is happiness don't allow words or others to tell you what makes you happy, decide for yourself.